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90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

To Steal Fire from the Gods: The Birth of Prometheus

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His name was Prometheus and he defeated the Justice League. And not the League with Guy Gardner, Blue Beetle, and Booster Gold. No. I’m talking about the League with Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman! That’s right. “The Big Guns”! And not only was this villain a mere human, this was his very first appearance! Let that sink in. Anyway, to say that my teenaged mind was blown away when I read this, was an understatement. But how did this badass, mystery villain come to be? (Awww! Thank you for asking! -Flutters eyelashes- ) That’s what I’m here today to discuss. So, without further ado, let us begin with “New Year’s Evil: Prometheus”…..

The man in the strange helmet spoke of his beginning to the other man. He spoke of how his parents were what would commonly be called hippies. But not your average, peaceful hippies. This couple thrived on crime. And not only that, they took their young son with them on their jobs from the time he was a baby. (Someone call the Department of Human Servic…..oh…..never mind. They have him strapped in a car seat on their hight-speed shootout with the police. It’s cool.) They murdered and robbed their way across the country and the boy grew up to believe that not only were his parents loving and right in what they did, those who opposed them were wrong. Justice was a bad thing. Things went on this way for several years until the law finally caught up with the happy little family. Surrounded by more police than the boy could count, his already injured parents opened fire! They were mowed down in a barrage of bullets! The boy’s hair turned white that day. That was also the day he knew true hatred.

The man paused in the telling of his origin story to look at the other man. He was dressed in a typical, superhero costume. This made total sense in the current situation. He called himself Retro. The one talking called himself Prometheus. Retro was impressed with Prometheus’ story so far. He hadn’t been aware that there would be someone here playing the part of a faux supervillain as this Prometheus so obviously was. Retro asked what “Prometheus” meant. The other man smiled and answered simply. It was a name from Greek Mythology. Prometheus stole fire from the gods. But before Retro cold question him further, he was asked about his own codename. Retro answered proudly and with his hands on his hips in a true, heroic pose. He said that rays from the past made him into a hero today. Hence, “Retro”. (Nerd! Well, I guess there have been lamer superhero origin stories. Cough. Cough. -Clears throat and whispers…..Superman.-) Retro then added in a quieter tone that that was the origin he’d invented for himself when he won the contest to meet the real Justice League on their Moon base and pretend to be a superhero for a day. A suddenly nervous Retro asked more of Prometheus’ tale.

The boy made a decision that night. A vow. He would destroy the forces of justice. The first thing he did was dig up his parents’ secret stash. The fortune was considerable as they saved every stolen penny. Next, he went to the local crime boss and blackmailed him into helping him gain a new identity. The boy then flew aboard a private jet to learn everything he would need to know to make his dream a reality. He learned everything that books could teach him. Next, he learned the best ways to murder a foe. (Sounds like a slightly less psychotic Batman.) Next, he ventured to Tibet to find the mythical kingdom of evil, Shamballa. And find it he did! After a year of living there, the Lama himself invited the boy to join him deeper underground. It was there that he first saw the door to Shamballa. It somewhat resembled an alien craft that had crash-landed within the Earth eons ago. Outside the craft was a simpler door. Removing a strange key of sorts from his robes, the Lama unlocked it. Inside, it was completely different. A Void! Killing the Lama with a spear, the “holy” man reverted into a dying, alien form! Prometheus kept the key. He then showed it to Retro. A clicking noise was then heard everywhere at once! A second later, they were within a crooked house, floating within the nothingness of the Void! A crooked house for a crooked man.

It was now that Retro began to feel a bit uneasy. (Now?! It took until now to begin to feel like things are a little off with this Prometheus? Me thinks ol’ Retro is a bit on the “duh” side. Thoughts?) Retro hits Prometheus with a quick barrage of questions, but the helmeted man simply ignores the other’s frantic words. He continues that once he made it back to the United States, he thought perhaps he’d begin his reign of terror by blowing up the Supreme Court. But then he passed before a poster that presented pictures of the newest incarnation of the Justice League of America. That’s when inspiration hit. Retro asked if Prometheus really thought he could defeat this new JLA. Seriously, he wouldn’t stand a chance. Prometheus looked amused at this. But what if the JLA was foolish to hold a contest that allowed a wannabe superhero to enter their Moon base and get close to them? And what if they had no idea what the winner actually looked like? Further, what if Prometheus’ high-tech helmet had been recording this winner for this entire conversation, down to his very mannerisms? They’d be in real trouble, wouldn’t they? That’s when the key disintegrated Retro completely!

“Retro” then shifted back to normal reality. He left the building he’d been sitting in behind him, dressed in his superhero costume. He apologized to the press for his delay. He’d been rehearsing his origin story. He then prepared to be teleported onto the JLA’s Moon base. And to enter history.

End.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 4 of 4)

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Feetal’s Gizz! We’re at the end of this miniseries already? Damn! Time sure flies when you’re writing about a sadistic, alien psychopath, huh? Yep. I remember my first experience with the Lobo character. My brother, SymbiEric, and I were opening up packs of DC Cosmic Cards in my mom’s car after eating out at our favorite restaurant, Giovanni’s Pizza. As we greedily looked through our now grease-covered, newly-acquired acquisitions, one of us came across the Main Man’s card. And after looking at that unique visage and reading the information on the back, I was totally hooked! Anyway, enough about me. It’s time once again for our “hero” to take center stage for the last time. Enjoy, Legions of the Unspoken!

Lobo was finding his vacation time on Revel-7 to be a tad on the boring side. Where was the action? Where was the depravity? Where were the scantily-clad women? Sigh. This was definitely not what the Main Man signed on for. Miss Tribb overhead him complaining and scoffed. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a destructive riot, some unprovoked murder, etc? Lobo grinned in response. He picked Tribb up under his arm and carried her over to a coat hook on the outside of the room’s closet door. He hung her there, suspended by her collar, and slammed the door to the room shut. He then went on his merry way in search of a communication device. (Man. Respect your elders, ‘Bo. At least iron her wrinkles out before hanging her up. Ha! Damn. This series is making me sick and twisted! I like it!)

At L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox paced frantically and slammed his gloved fist into his office wall. How could his plans have gone so awry? Now five parties bent upon Lobo’s demise were about to converge upon a renowned vacation planet and it was all his fault! As he mentally went over his options, a L.E.G.I.O.N. operative knocked on the door. It seemed as if Lobo had hacked the Revel-7’s communications network for the entire planet! Vril switched on his viewing screen. Lobo quickly came into view. He stated his feelings of boredom and announced that the denizens of this world had five hours to evacuate before he began the massacre! The screen went as blank a Vril’s facial expression. Utter chaos erupted on Revel-7 as an entire population tried to evacuate the planet at once! Lobo sat back and enjoyed the show he’d created! (That’s…..friggin’…..awesome! The dude’s a dark genius I tells ya! Oh to only be in my early twenties again and to party with the Main Man. But middle age is just as cool…..sniffle…..)

At that precise moment, the grannies and the truckers both entered the planet’s orbit. They quickly became aware of one another and watched carefully, ready to strike should they suddenly be provoked. Next, Lobo’s little biker fan club arrived on scene. Next were the space police! The truckers weren’t prepared for the sudden appearance of the law enforcement ship and they collided, killing everyone aboard both vessels! The large explosion annihilated the gang of bikers as well! (Well, that went slightly awry, didn’t it? Ooooh! Fireworks of death! Ahhhh!) While the Main Man’s enemies accidentally murdered one another, he stood, blissfully aware of all of this, singing bad karaoke on stage! Then Lobo was stricken with a crisis of conscience. Did he leave the old lady behind and party it up? Did he break his word for the first time in his life? He walked away from his room. He didn’t get far though before he roared some obscenities and returned for his ex-teacher.

The grannies arrived planetside and saw all of the obscene peep shows and porn shops littering the surface! They now had a new mission in life! They opened fire on the buildings! This barrage destroyed the incoming fleet of the dance/theatre company! As more and more of Lobo’s enemies fell from the skies, he admired their explosive deaths, oblivious to who they were or that they were here for him in the first place! (Men! Am I right, ladies? On the sadder side of things…..all of that alien pornography…..lost forever. Sob. Shudder.) The Main Man rocketed past the carnage upon his space-hawg with his complaining passenger in back. Soon after, Vril Dox shut the door to his office and nearly jumped out of his green skin as he heard a gruff voice from behind. Turning, he saw Lobo and his legless captive. When questioned about her missing limbs, he merely replied that women were always losing one thing or another.

Lobo handed over the older Czarnian woman. Vril was then forced to admit that Lobo had done a good job. She did arrive alive after all. Mission accomplished. Satisfied with this, Lobo then marched over to Miss Tribb, took her head in his powerful arms, and snapped her neck! Dox looked at Lobo in shock! Lobo spoke in passing that no-one ever said she had to live after delivery! He laughed maniacally as he left the office. Vril Dox attempted to rub away the instant pain emanating from his temples. (Note: Only one teacher was harmed during the writing of this particular series of articles. )

End.

P.S. The aforementioned trading card. (Oddly missing the Giovanni’s Pizza grease. Go figure.) Thanks for the trade, SymbiEric. Love ya!

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag It! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 3 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! Wow! Are we really almost done with this miniseries? That didn’t take long. I mean, I took forever to write about it, but it’s still almost done. So, what’re your thoughts on this limited series? Leave a comment so I feel all warm and special in my inside-y parts. And now, back to the story…..

To say Vril Dox was angry was an understatement! He had cleverly sent Lobo after the one person that he’d want to murder most in the galaxy, thus stoking his rage so he’d not only murder rivals of Vril’s like the police chief, but take out others of the criminal element like those Lobo-loving bikers. It was all too perfect. If he was lucky, all converging parties as well as Lobo himself would all perish. But no! Now Lobo had to turn up missing! Vril Dox wanted answers! Where in the known galaxy was the Main Man? (Brilliant scheme, but I wouldn’t poke the bear like this. Being on Lobo’s bad side is like calling out a woman on her memory. A death sentence!) Just then, the interested parties began to arrive in an asteroid field. And still, no Lobo!

Elsewhere, Lobo shakes the cobwebs from his head as he struggles to rise to his feet. Looking over, he sees the now-legless Miss Tribb in the corner of this strange room. He holds his pained head as he complains about her not warning him of this obviously hostile spacecraft. Now they had been gassed and imprisoned. This of course started a verbal battle of words that caused the duo to be gassed once again! As Lobo and Tribb lost consciousness this time, cloaked men spoke to one another. “Bee” would know what to do with their prisoners. When they both awoke once again, they found themselves on a stage! There was a sign that read “14th. Annual Orothography Commandos’ Spelling Bee”. Only cloaked monks sat in the audience. One announced it was time for the bee to begin! (Even I’m at a loss for words here…..)

But before the spelling bee could officially start, an elder monk explained to the prisoners on stage that it was their holy mission to bring correct grammar and literacy to the universe. The rules were simple: 1. Spell or die. 2. Spell correctly for your freedom. 3. No gum chewing. 4. All judge’s decisions are final. 5. And no sudden outbursts. (Well, I can definitely see killing someone over obnoxious gum chewing. Some people are annoying as hell as they smack their lips. Grrr! Pass me my meds, Mrs. Symbifan. Ahhhh! Thanks.) The competition begins. As the others spell their given words, they’re executed mercilessly for small mistakes! Lobo does great as he’s given words like “genocide” or “mutilation”. Miss Tribb of course spells her words flawlessly. This goes on until only Lobo, Tribb, and one other being are left! Sensing trouble, Lobo blows in the other alien’s oversized ear! He cries out in alarm! This means death due to sudden outburst! All that remain now are the two Czarnians. Teacher and delinquent pupil.

But the Main Man wasn’t going down without a fight. He proclaimed to the druids that this competition wasn’t fair as his opponent was once a teacher. Outraged at this, Miss Tribb retorted that yes, she was once a teacher. A teacher that he had recently mangled. The next thing he knew, Lobo awoke, suspended in chains, for the crime of harming one who would teach others! Tribb smiled gleefully! (I don’t know. I could think of some teachers from my past that deserve the chain treatment instead! Monsters!) But Lobo had had enough. As the cloaked men took aim, he broke through his chains and paid them all back in spades! He left no-one alive when all was said and done! This was almost a blessing judging by the way that they were mangled!

After Lobo and his disgruntled passenger were free and at a safe spaceport, the Main Man called Vril Dox to check in. He told his boss that they would be late as he was going to Revel-7 for some much-needed rest and relaxation. He then hung up, leaving Vril to wonder where he’d heard of that sector. Suddenly it hit him. Lobo had just given his whereabouts over an unsecured line. Not only that, but Revel-7 was a vacation planet! And when all of Lobo’s enemies arrived after hearing the news, it’d be nothing more than a planet-sized graveyard! Vril groaned. Meanwhile, on Revel-7, Miss Tribb complained like usual, but Lobo just told her to shut it for once and enjoy her Mai Tai! (I’ll take a Shirley Temple. Shaken, not stirred.)

To be concluded…..