Tag Archives: Wonder Woman

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

To Steal Fire from the Gods: The Birth of Prometheus

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His name was Prometheus and he defeated the Justice League. And not the League with Guy Gardner, Blue Beetle, and Booster Gold. No. I’m talking about the League with Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman! That’s right. “The Big Guns”! And not only was this villain a mere human, this was his very first appearance! Let that sink in. Anyway, to say that my teenaged mind was blown away when I read this, was an understatement. But how did this badass, mystery villain come to be? (Awww! Thank you for asking! -Flutters eyelashes- ) That’s what I’m here today to discuss. So, without further ado, let us begin with “New Year’s Evil: Prometheus”…..

The man in the strange helmet spoke of his beginning to the other man. He spoke of how his parents were what would commonly be called hippies. But not your average, peaceful hippies. This couple thrived on crime. And not only that, they took their young son with them on their jobs from the time he was a baby. (Someone call the Department of Human Servic…..oh…..never mind. They have him strapped in a car seat on their hight-speed shootout with the police. It’s cool.) They murdered and robbed their way across the country and the boy grew up to believe that not only were his parents loving and right in what they did, those who opposed them were wrong. Justice was a bad thing. Things went on this way for several years until the law finally caught up with the happy little family. Surrounded by more police than the boy could count, his already injured parents opened fire! They were mowed down in a barrage of bullets! The boy’s hair turned white that day. That was also the day he knew true hatred.

The man paused in the telling of his origin story to look at the other man. He was dressed in a typical, superhero costume. This made total sense in the current situation. He called himself Retro. The one talking called himself Prometheus. Retro was impressed with Prometheus’ story so far. He hadn’t been aware that there would be someone here playing the part of a faux supervillain as this Prometheus so obviously was. Retro asked what “Prometheus” meant. The other man smiled and answered simply. It was a name from Greek Mythology. Prometheus stole fire from the gods. But before Retro cold question him further, he was asked about his own codename. Retro answered proudly and with his hands on his hips in a true, heroic pose. He said that rays from the past made him into a hero today. Hence, “Retro”. (Nerd! Well, I guess there have been lamer superhero origin stories. Cough. Cough. -Clears throat and whispers…..Superman.-) Retro then added in a quieter tone that that was the origin he’d invented for himself when he won the contest to meet the real Justice League on their Moon base and pretend to be a superhero for a day. A suddenly nervous Retro asked more of Prometheus’ tale.

The boy made a decision that night. A vow. He would destroy the forces of justice. The first thing he did was dig up his parents’ secret stash. The fortune was considerable as they saved every stolen penny. Next, he went to the local crime boss and blackmailed him into helping him gain a new identity. The boy then flew aboard a private jet to learn everything he would need to know to make his dream a reality. He learned everything that books could teach him. Next, he learned the best ways to murder a foe. (Sounds like a slightly less psychotic Batman.) Next, he ventured to Tibet to find the mythical kingdom of evil, Shamballa. And find it he did! After a year of living there, the Lama himself invited the boy to join him deeper underground. It was there that he first saw the door to Shamballa. It somewhat resembled an alien craft that had crash-landed within the Earth eons ago. Outside the craft was a simpler door. Removing a strange key of sorts from his robes, the Lama unlocked it. Inside, it was completely different. A Void! Killing the Lama with a spear, the “holy” man reverted into a dying, alien form! Prometheus kept the key. He then showed it to Retro. A clicking noise was then heard everywhere at once! A second later, they were within a crooked house, floating within the nothingness of the Void! A crooked house for a crooked man.

It was now that Retro began to feel a bit uneasy. (Now?! It took until now to begin to feel like things are a little off with this Prometheus? Me thinks ol’ Retro is a bit on the “duh” side. Thoughts?) Retro hits Prometheus with a quick barrage of questions, but the helmeted man simply ignores the other’s frantic words. He continues that once he made it back to the United States, he thought perhaps he’d begin his reign of terror by blowing up the Supreme Court. But then he passed before a poster that presented pictures of the newest incarnation of the Justice League of America. That’s when inspiration hit. Retro asked if Prometheus really thought he could defeat this new JLA. Seriously, he wouldn’t stand a chance. Prometheus looked amused at this. But what if the JLA was foolish to hold a contest that allowed a wannabe superhero to enter their Moon base and get close to them? And what if they had no idea what the winner actually looked like? Further, what if Prometheus’ high-tech helmet had been recording this winner for this entire conversation, down to his very mannerisms? They’d be in real trouble, wouldn’t they? That’s when the key disintegrated Retro completely!

“Retro” then shifted back to normal reality. He left the building he’d been sitting in behind him, dressed in his superhero costume. He apologized to the press for his delay. He’d been rehearsing his origin story. He then prepared to be teleported onto the JLA’s Moon base. And to enter history.

End.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 4 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! You know, I could bore you all with little tidbits about my life and share some “clever” musings. But let’s do what we’re all really here for….. to ogle pics of long-legged, sexy women! Umm…..I mean, to read the last exciting ending of our Wonder Woman epic! (So embarrassed……kinda.)

The Contest now decided, Artemis stood before Queen Hippolyta. The Queen was wasting no time in swearing in this new Wonder Woman. Artemis was presented with winged sandals, gifts from the god, Hermes, that would grant her flight, and the Gauntlets of Atlas that would multiply her strength by ten! Diana looked on, a look very close to jealousy in her eyes. Hippolyta granted her the title of Wonder Woman and continued that not only did she now accept her as a sister, but not unlike a daughter as well. (Damn! Want some salt to rub into Diana’s wounds there, Hippolyta? Jeez! Now she just needs to stick out her tongue to complete her transformation into that of a bratty child.) The Queen continued her speech, but it fell upon deaf ears. Artemis finished strapping on her sandles and immediately lept into the air. It was the power of flight that interested her at this particular moment. Who could blame her?

As Artemis flew on, Diana followed her mother into a nearby temple. The Queen of the Amazons decreed that her only child would now devote her time to training to take her mother’s place some day as she was now finished with being Wonder Woman. Hippolyta walked on as she spoke but suddenly stopped in horror as she spied a bust of her deceased sister, Antiope, upon a nearby pedestal! The Queen cried out her sister’s name in shock! Diana didn’t miss a beat. She continued her mother’s unspoken words. Yes, Antipoe. The small statue depicted a sister that Hippolyta had just somehow neglected to ever mention. Diana continued by repeating Antiope’s last words to her sister before fleeing, after Herakles’ brutal assault so long ago. She then asked, “Is Herakles my true father? Don’t bother to answer. It would all probably just be lies anyway.” The Queen tried to retort, but Diana was gone, she took to the skies, stopping by a hovering Artemis! (Damn! Things just got deep up in here! She just absolutely schooled mommy dearest! That was friggin’ awesome!) Curious, Artemis asked where she was flying at such a reckless speed. Diana said one word, home.

One week later, in Boston, the streets were filled with rubble as two groups of superpowered assailants battled one another in the middle of the city! Armor-piercing rounds and energy blasts filled the air as the populace did their best to flee! A brunette, female reporter took cover and asked the hiding police officers the situation. One replied that it was thought that these were henchmen for two competing mobs. But when the fighting got uncomfortably close to those speaking, one of the beings approached them will ill intent in his eyes! He charged! But before the large being got too close, a golden lasso wrapped around his midsection and he was hurled with enhanced speed and strength to the shattered street! This was followed by swinging the creature into a nearly destroyed wall face first! Artemis’ winged sandals fluttered as she lowered herself in full costume. The other thugs noticed this and opened fire! But the new Wonder Woman merely sidestepped this all and fired Amazonian arrows at her attackers! They dropped simultaneously! She muttered to herself as she stepped on one of the men’s large chests, “Fools.” (Whoo-hoo! Great entrance! Ten out of ten! Points for showmanship! Saucy!)

But before anyone present could relax, the shards of broken concrete around them seemed to come together and form, one enormous humanoid creature! Artemis fired a well-placed arrow at it’s eye socket, but to no avail! It reached one gigantic hand towards her head! That’s when death came from above! Diana’s powerful leg came smashing into the beast’s torso from the skies, shattering it completely! Artemis gave a snide remark about the heroine’s tardiness but Diana brushed this off as she examined the creature’s remains with keen interest and a sense of knowing. (Check out Diana’s new costume! So sleek! So dark! So…..lame!) Some time later, in New York City, Artemis spoke to her agents as she surveyed her new penthouse apartment. She asked them what she must do for all that she had been given. One laughed and replied that it was simple, just be good enough. Don’t be a waste of their time and money. This angered the Amazon. She pinned him to the wall with arrows before heading downstairs to a press conference. She was introduced to the world as the new Wonder Woman!

During the interview, Artemis was asked how she would be different from her predecessor. Her short answer was that she would succeed at her mission. Blood splattered a television in a bar where the press conference was being played. Diana was brutally beating thug after thug with her gloved fists. It seemed as if Hippolyta’s Contest had created not one, but two vicious, Amazonian vigilantes that fateful day. And to think, this was all meant to bring Diana home to Themyscira and remove her from danger. Now I ask you, did the Queen succeed? Hell no! In retrospect, it was the 90’s after all.

Never the end.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 3 of 4)

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Nope. Your eyes doth not deceive you. This series did in fact originally contain five parts. That was until I started writing this article today and realized that I’d left part two out of the storyline completely! In my defense, it was a special #0 issue, and I have been dealing with a titanic amount of stress in my personal life as of late. Awww, hell! Just go ahead and spank me! I deserve your wrath! Just really go at it! Anyway, now on to the new part three…..(Thanks for the fierce spanking by the way. I love you guys. Totes.)

The arrow sailed through the air towards it’s intended victim, Princess Diana, also known as Wonder Woman! But then, strangely enough, Artemis sprang from the shadows and snatched it right before it made contact! Recovering from the shock quickly, Diana helped Artemis to her feet. (Does anyone else think they should kiss here? No? Just me?) One of Diana’s other teammates pointed to where the shot had to have been fired from. Nothing now. The assassin had wisely fled. Later, Princess Diana’s team was announced as the winners by Queen Hippolyta. The other teams cheered their victory. This baffled Artemis. Why cheer those that had beaten you. Diana merely smiled at this. Because they were genuinely happy for their sisters and had enjoyed competing. Diana then walked off towards the others, leaving Artemis to ponder her strange words. Moments later, Artemis snuck off towards a heavily wooden area. There, she was greeted by one of her friends, Patrice. Artemis ignored the greeting and slammed Patrice into a nearby tree. Getting face to face, she spoke through gritted teeth that she had recognized Patrice’s arrow. Patrice replied with frightened words that she only meant to help Artemis win the Contest. Artemis replied that that wasn’t possible. Hippolyta would never allow her daughter to lose. It was more important to prove their worth to the others. Diana, hidden completely nearby, smiled as she took in these new events.

A short time later, within Queen Hippolyta’s tent, General Phillipus remarked to her queen that the coming race would take all of her sisters’ might to traverse. But what were the red marks on the map? Hippolyta answered that they were known as “deadfalls”. Areas that she herself had seen ancient and dangerous magics reawakened in. Phillipus looked horrified at this omission! She then spoke to the Queen of her fears. The Amazons could actually die as they tried to prove themselves! Hippolyta roared that her General had forgotten herself and that this was never to be spoken of again. Obeying immediately, General Phillipus went silent. The next morning, Phillipus tried to give a hidden clue as to what dangers lie ahead in the coming race. Diana tried to question her further, but the gong sounded and the race was on! The Amazons first leapt into the deep water and broke into a quick swim towards nearby land. But this was to be no ordinary swim. A titanic whirlpool opened beneath them all, pulling every last female warrior under! (Well that’s just a revolting thought. All of those sexy Amazons, dressed in wet, white togas that stick to their glistening, perfect forms. So gross…..hehehehe.)

As Diana fought for air, another Amazon shot past her, downwards! Unless she could save her, she would be the first casualty of this whirling, wet vortex! Just then, Artemis grabbed the woman by her long hair and pulled her upward to safety! Diana fought against the mighty current herself but, just as she was making some headway, another vision of Herakles struck her like a fist! The demigod was choking the very life out of Hippolyta’s sister, Antiope! She screamed as loud she could for her sister’s aid! But Hippolyta merely hid, whispering that she could not. She loved him. But just before the last speck of life was about to drain from her sister, Hippolyta grabbed a nearby vase and shattered it over Herakles head, knocking him unconscious! Hippolyta helped her sister to her feet. Wasting little time, Antiope took a relic known as the Mask of Proteus and placed it over her own face. To all concerned, her female form magically became the body of Herakles himself! Using this front, she ordered Herakles’ men to stop their brutal attacks upon the Amazonian women at once or they would have to answer to him! They complied immediately. Antiope then handed Hippolyta the mask and ordered her to take it. For women needed to believe her to be the heroine this day if their new society was to succeed. Hippolyta refused at first, but finally relented. Antiope left the next day by boat. Her last words were that she would never trust her sister again. (Damn! Disney left this part out of the “Hercules” animated movie! “Zero to Hero”, my ass! )

Wonder Woman awakens on precious, dry land and is helped to her feet by Artemis. But the red-head has little to say before sprinting off, back to the race. Diana warns another Amazon that that was no ordinary whirlpool, magic was most definitely in play. They had all better watch themselves carefully as the Contest continues. The two turn in just enough time for one to be ensnared by a thrown net! Winged Greek monstrosities, known as Harpies, descend upon their large, bat-like wings! They hiss as they swoop at their caught prey! Diana had rolled free of the net and prepared herself for battle! She wrenched a forked weapon from one and impaled the creature upon it! She knocked another one out with the weapon’s end! But Diana failed to see a second Harpy approaching her from behind! A well-placed arrow caught it through the throat! Diana turned to see her would-be assassin from earlier! Patrice gloated that they were now even! Diana ignored this and freed her sister-in-arms from the net as the other Harpies fled. (Sadly, even with today’s advanced technologies, there is no permanent cure for Harpies.) With hardly another word, Wonder Woman takes the net and pitchfork and speeds off!

She sees a large cliff and uses her new instruments to scale it with ease. But upon reaching the top, what she finds horrifies the Amazonian Princess to her core! Other Amazons…..turned to stone! Medusa! And just as the name hits her, she hears the terrifying snake hiss from behind! But Diana is hardly a fool. She closes her eyes and waits. And just as Medusa begins to coil her large tale around the Princess, Diana uses the pitchfork as a type of lever and catapults both of them off of the cliff top! As an enraged Medusa falls to her certain doom, Diana snags her net from earlier around a close tree limb! She pulls herself to safety and begins to run like she’s never run before! (Run, Forrest! Run!) She passes the others with ease but runs neck with Artemis! But then, tragedy strikes as Diana unexpectedly trips and falls, mere steps before the finish line! That’s it! Artemis is now the new Wonder Woman!

To be concluded…..