90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 4 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! You know, I could bore you all with little tidbits about my life and share some “clever” musings. But let’s do what we’re all really here for….. to ogle pics of long-legged, sexy women! Umm…..I mean, to read the last exciting ending of our Wonder Woman epic! (So embarrassed……kinda.)

The Contest now decided, Artemis stood before Queen Hippolyta. The Queen was wasting no time in swearing in this new Wonder Woman. Artemis was presented with winged sandals, gifts from the god, Hermes, that would grant her flight, and the Gauntlets of Atlas that would multiply her strength by ten! Diana looked on, a look very close to jealousy in her eyes. Hippolyta granted her the title of Wonder Woman and continued that not only did she now accept her as a sister, but not unlike a daughter as well. (Damn! Want some salt to rub into Diana’s wounds there, Hippolyta? Jeez! Now she just needs to stick out her tongue to complete her transformation into that of a bratty child.) The Queen continued her speech, but it fell upon deaf ears. Artemis finished strapping on her sandles and immediately lept into the air. It was the power of flight that interested her at this particular moment. Who could blame her?

As Artemis flew on, Diana followed her mother into a nearby temple. The Queen of the Amazons decreed that her only child would now devote her time to training to take her mother’s place some day as she was now finished with being Wonder Woman. Hippolyta walked on as she spoke but suddenly stopped in horror as she spied a bust of her deceased sister, Antiope, upon a nearby pedestal! The Queen cried out her sister’s name in shock! Diana didn’t miss a beat. She continued her mother’s unspoken words. Yes, Antipoe. The small statue depicted a sister that Hippolyta had just somehow neglected to ever mention. Diana continued by repeating Antiope’s last words to her sister before fleeing, after Herakles’ brutal assault so long ago. She then asked, “Is Herakles my true father? Don’t bother to answer. It would all probably just be lies anyway.” The Queen tried to retort, but Diana was gone, she took to the skies, stopping by a hovering Artemis! (Damn! Things just got deep up in here! She just absolutely schooled mommy dearest! That was friggin’ awesome!) Curious, Artemis asked where she was flying at such a reckless speed. Diana said one word, home.

One week later, in Boston, the streets were filled with rubble as two groups of superpowered assailants battled one another in the middle of the city! Armor-piercing rounds and energy blasts filled the air as the populace did their best to flee! A brunette, female reporter took cover and asked the hiding police officers the situation. One replied that it was thought that these were henchmen for two competing mobs. But when the fighting got uncomfortably close to those speaking, one of the beings approached them will ill intent in his eyes! He charged! But before the large being got too close, a golden lasso wrapped around his midsection and he was hurled with enhanced speed and strength to the shattered street! This was followed by swinging the creature into a nearly destroyed wall face first! Artemis’ winged sandals fluttered as she lowered herself in full costume. The other thugs noticed this and opened fire! But the new Wonder Woman merely sidestepped this all and fired Amazonian arrows at her attackers! They dropped simultaneously! She muttered to herself as she stepped on one of the men’s large chests, “Fools.” (Whoo-hoo! Great entrance! Ten out of ten! Points for showmanship! Saucy!)

But before anyone present could relax, the shards of broken concrete around them seemed to come together and form, one enormous humanoid creature! Artemis fired a well-placed arrow at it’s eye socket, but to no avail! It reached one gigantic hand towards her head! That’s when death came from above! Diana’s powerful leg came smashing into the beast’s torso from the skies, shattering it completely! Artemis gave a snide remark about the heroine’s tardiness but Diana brushed this off as she examined the creature’s remains with keen interest and a sense of knowing. (Check out Diana’s new costume! So sleek! So dark! So…..lame!) Some time later, in New York City, Artemis spoke to her agents as she surveyed her new penthouse apartment. She asked them what she must do for all that she had been given. One laughed and replied that it was simple, just be good enough. Don’t be a waste of their time and money. This angered the Amazon. She pinned him to the wall with arrows before heading downstairs to a press conference. She was introduced to the world as the new Wonder Woman!

During the interview, Artemis was asked how she would be different from her predecessor. Her short answer was that she would succeed at her mission. Blood splattered a television in a bar where the press conference was being played. Diana was brutally beating thug after thug with her gloved fists. It seemed as if Hippolyta’s Contest had created not one, but two vicious, Amazonian vigilantes that fateful day. And to think, this was all meant to bring Diana home to Themyscira and remove her from danger. Now I ask you, did the Queen succeed? Hell no! In retrospect, it was the 90’s after all.

Never the end.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 3 of 4)

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Nope. Your eyes doth not deceive you. This series did in fact originally contain five parts. That was until I started writing this article today and realized that I’d left part two out of the storyline completely! In my defense, it was a special #0 issue, and I have been dealing with a titanic amount of stress in my personal life as of late. Awww, hell! Just go ahead and spank me! I deserve your wrath! Just really go at it! Anyway, now on to the new part three…..(Thanks for the fierce spanking by the way. I love you guys. Totes.)

The arrow sailed through the air towards it’s intended victim, Princess Diana, also known as Wonder Woman! But then, strangely enough, Artemis sprang from the shadows and snatched it right before it made contact! Recovering from the shock quickly, Diana helped Artemis to her feet. (Does anyone else think they should kiss here? No? Just me?) One of Diana’s other teammates pointed to where the shot had to have been fired from. Nothing now. The assassin had wisely fled. Later, Princess Diana’s team was announced as the winners by Queen Hippolyta. The other teams cheered their victory. This baffled Artemis. Why cheer those that had beaten you. Diana merely smiled at this. Because they were genuinely happy for their sisters and had enjoyed competing. Diana then walked off towards the others, leaving Artemis to ponder her strange words. Moments later, Artemis snuck off towards a heavily wooden area. There, she was greeted by one of her friends, Patrice. Artemis ignored the greeting and slammed Patrice into a nearby tree. Getting face to face, she spoke through gritted teeth that she had recognized Patrice’s arrow. Patrice replied with frightened words that she only meant to help Artemis win the Contest. Artemis replied that that wasn’t possible. Hippolyta would never allow her daughter to lose. It was more important to prove their worth to the others. Diana, hidden completely nearby, smiled as she took in these new events.

A short time later, within Queen Hippolyta’s tent, General Phillipus remarked to her queen that the coming race would take all of her sisters’ might to traverse. But what were the red marks on the map? Hippolyta answered that they were known as “deadfalls”. Areas that she herself had seen ancient and dangerous magics reawakened in. Phillipus looked horrified at this omission! She then spoke to the Queen of her fears. The Amazons could actually die as they tried to prove themselves! Hippolyta roared that her General had forgotten herself and that this was never to be spoken of again. Obeying immediately, General Phillipus went silent. The next morning, Phillipus tried to give a hidden clue as to what dangers lie ahead in the coming race. Diana tried to question her further, but the gong sounded and the race was on! The Amazons first leapt into the deep water and broke into a quick swim towards nearby land. But this was to be no ordinary swim. A titanic whirlpool opened beneath them all, pulling every last female warrior under! (Well that’s just a revolting thought. All of those sexy Amazons, dressed in wet, white togas that stick to their glistening, perfect forms. So gross…..hehehehe.)

As Diana fought for air, another Amazon shot past her, downwards! Unless she could save her, she would be the first casualty of this whirling, wet vortex! Just then, Artemis grabbed the woman by her long hair and pulled her upward to safety! Diana fought against the mighty current herself but, just as she was making some headway, another vision of Herakles struck her like a fist! The demigod was choking the very life out of Hippolyta’s sister, Antiope! She screamed as loud she could for her sister’s aid! But Hippolyta merely hid, whispering that she could not. She loved him. But just before the last speck of life was about to drain from her sister, Hippolyta grabbed a nearby vase and shattered it over Herakles head, knocking him unconscious! Hippolyta helped her sister to her feet. Wasting little time, Antiope took a relic known as the Mask of Proteus and placed it over her own face. To all concerned, her female form magically became the body of Herakles himself! Using this front, she ordered Herakles’ men to stop their brutal attacks upon the Amazonian women at once or they would have to answer to him! They complied immediately. Antiope then handed Hippolyta the mask and ordered her to take it. For women needed to believe her to be the heroine this day if their new society was to succeed. Hippolyta refused at first, but finally relented. Antiope left the next day by boat. Her last words were that she would never trust her sister again. (Damn! Disney left this part out of the “Hercules” animated movie! “Zero to Hero”, my ass! )

Wonder Woman awakens on precious, dry land and is helped to her feet by Artemis. But the red-head has little to say before sprinting off, back to the race. Diana warns another Amazon that that was no ordinary whirlpool, magic was most definitely in play. They had all better watch themselves carefully as the Contest continues. The two turn in just enough time for one to be ensnared by a thrown net! Winged Greek monstrosities, known as Harpies, descend upon their large, bat-like wings! They hiss as they swoop at their caught prey! Diana had rolled free of the net and prepared herself for battle! She wrenched a forked weapon from one and impaled the creature upon it! She knocked another one out with the weapon’s end! But Diana failed to see a second Harpy approaching her from behind! A well-placed arrow caught it through the throat! Diana turned to see her would-be assassin from earlier! Patrice gloated that they were now even! Diana ignored this and freed her sister-in-arms from the net as the other Harpies fled. (Sadly, even with today’s advanced technologies, there is no permanent cure for Harpies.) With hardly another word, Wonder Woman takes the net and pitchfork and speeds off!

She sees a large cliff and uses her new instruments to scale it with ease. But upon reaching the top, what she finds horrifies the Amazonian Princess to her core! Other Amazons…..turned to stone! Medusa! And just as the name hits her, she hears the terrifying snake hiss from behind! But Diana is hardly a fool. She closes her eyes and waits. And just as Medusa begins to coil her large tale around the Princess, Diana uses the pitchfork as a type of lever and catapults both of them off of the cliff top! As an enraged Medusa falls to her certain doom, Diana snags her net from earlier around a close tree limb! She pulls herself to safety and begins to run like she’s never run before! (Run, Forrest! Run!) She passes the others with ease but runs neck with Artemis! But then, tragedy strikes as Diana unexpectedly trips and falls, mere steps before the finish line! That’s it! Artemis is now the new Wonder Woman!

To be concluded…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 2 of 4)

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“She’s got legs, she knows how to use them. She never begs, she knows how to choose them. She’s holding leg, wondering how to feel them. Would you get behind them, if you could only find them? She’s my baby, she’s my baby. Yeah, it’s alright.” – “Legs” by ZZ Top. But I digress. Truer words were never spoken. Trust the great poets, ZZ Top, to express my thoughts on the Artemis character perfectly. Sigh. Anyway, moving on to the next part of our tale…..

We begin with Princess Diana descending from the clear skies over Themyscira, dressed in full Wonder Woman garb. She gently lands on the beach, near some of her Amazonian sisters. A close friend, a blonde named Mala, admits that she was worried as Diana suddenly disappeared when her mother decreed that a new Contest would be held to decide the mantle of Wonder Woman once and for all. Diana merely replied that she needed time to think. She continued by asking sarcastically if a victor had been crowned while she was absent. (Reeeowr! A bit catty for this early in the article me thinks.) The other Amazon merely replied that she was being silly and handed her a typical outfit to compete within. She took it begrudgingly. Diana asked offhandedly if Artemis and the other once-exiled Amazons would be competing. The answer didn’t sound very positive.

A short time later, as the Amazons begin to warm up and practice for the upcoming competition, Artemis and her group suddenly stroll into the thick of the others. One of the Amazons murmurs a question aloud: “Who invited them?” Diana’s attention snaps towards the snide comment’s speaker and replies for all to hear that she herself invited them. Queen Hippolyta sits up straight in her throne and looks immediately agitated. Diana looks to her mother and continues that all Amazons should have a vote whether or not Artemis and her sisters should be kept from competing. The Queen allows this with anger clearly visible upon her face. The Amazons vote. It’s nearly unanimous. They will be allowed. Obviously out-voted Hippolyta decrees that all Amazonian sisters will be allowed to try for the right to become Wonder Woman! (Me thinks Diana’s in for a grounding. Or maybe a spanking. Where’s THAT issue I ask you?!)

The Amazons begin with javelin throwing, racing, feats of strength, hand to hand combat, etc. After, many of them decide to rest and recoup in the shade. Diana sits with her sisters and spies Artemis and her cohorts strolling by. She gives a friendly smile as she asks if they would like to join them. The reply is full of spite and disgust. The trio passes Diana and the others by as they make their own camp close by. Both groups sit and talk about one another into the night. (Girls. Am I right, fellas? Always gossiping and fighting. I guess it’s the same even on Paradise Island.) Suddenly, Diana holds her head in anguish as a vision forces it’s way into her mind! She sees the ancient past where it appears as though it wasn’t Hippolyta’s sister, Antiope, which betrayed her sister and the others to Herakles, but rather the other way around! Diana awakens near the campfire with a concerned Mala looking over her. She speaks very little of the vision to her friend. But she wonders about the truth of it silently to herself.

The following morning, the next test is prepared. They are to separate into small teams and work together to defeat their competition. Queen Hippolyta gives them all very little time to prepare before she announces that the test has begun. Diana and three of her sisters are joined by Artemis on a team. (You can just tell this is gonna be a mistake. I sense a cat fight in the near future….. So sexy.) Plans are quickly put together and it begins. Mala wanders through the woods, calling out for Diana and Artemis to help her lug their heavy gear in a very loud and annoyed tone. That’s when she’s suddenly attacked by another small group of Amazons that have been waiting for easy prey in the treetops. But Mala is far from unprepared! She strikes back with fierce skill and cunning as the others spring from their hiding places and take the other Amazons prisoner! But as they’re binding them, backup arrives and they throw a net at Mala and Artemis! But Diana has been hiding for just this reason. She leaps from the heavy foliage and battles the other group by herself! But just as the word of surrender is given, an arrow flies through the air, aimed right at Diana’s vital organs!

To be continued…..

The Gimmick Era Has Never Been Covered So Well.