Tag Archives: Marvel Comics

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

A Guy Walks into a Dimensional Portal…..

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Who misses Saturday morning cartoons? Come on, a show of hands. Me too. Those were the days. Remember when Elmer Fudd would walk off of a cliff and not fall until he noticed, or Jerry would hand Tom a stick of dynamite and he wouldn’t die from the explosion, but instead resemble a struck match? What if you had superpowers like that? Pretty cool, right? Well that’s essentially what Slapstick can do. He possesses the powers of a cartoon character! This is his origin story, as told in “Slapstick” #1. Enjoy, Unspokenites and as you read, try to reignite that childhood spark that lived inside of you as you watched those classic cartoons not so long ago.

Steve Harmon had never been what one would consider to be a “normal” child. In his fifteen years upon the planet, he’d always been the kind of guy that you could count on for either a dumb joke or a prank. But being the class clown didn’t exactly make him popular. Far from it. Case in point. Steve leaned back in his desk and looked to the cute girl, named Heather, seated behind him. In perhaps a way to impress her, he tells her his best inappropriate joke. It doesn’t exactly go as expected as she turns her nose up in obvious disgust. (You all know the type. The popular girl that’s popular just cuz. A high school version of the Kardashians.) But before he can attempt a follow-up joke, he’s rudely interrupted by the appearance of Don Winston, the typical school alpha male. Steve immediately goes into defensive mode. They argue about how Don turned Steve in for his most recent prank, getting him a week’s detention. Winston merely laughs the situation off and moves on.

Later that day, after detention, Steve began his long walk home from school. As he pondered his vengeance, he paid little attention to his surroundings. This caused him to collide with a clown standing on the sidewalk, handing out flyers. The clown, however, seemed completely unfazed by this. He looked down to where the boy had fallen and, with a fanged smile, handed a flyer to Steve. Looking at it, Steve discovered that there was a carnival in town. Suddenly, a fantastic idea for his revenge struck him like lightning. Leaping to his feet, he ran to prepare. Little did he notice that the clown was no longer standing there! (Probably hawking a cheeseburger under a golden arch somewhere. No disrespect, Mr. McDonald. Your food made me the man that I am today…..sob……) Steve’s best friend, Mike, spies him and approaches to talk, but Steve barely even notices him as he sprints off.

Steve rushed upstairs when he arrived home, a happy bounce in his step. When he was in his room, he pulled out an old Halloween costume and put it on. Next, he fit a purplish wig to his head. Lastly, he applied clown makeup to his face. He took the time to admire himself in his mirror before silently descending the stairs. He giggled fiendishly the whole way to the carnival. Now completely incognito, Steve wandered the grounds in search of his prey. It didn’t take long before he located both Don and Heather together. Perfect! Buying a creme pie at a nearby stand, Steve waited patiently for his two victims behind a circus tent. (A pie?! That was his master plan? I’m sorely disappointed in our boy here. I expected something like, oh I dont know, a two-by-four with nails in it to the face. And that’s just off the top of my head! I need help, don’t I?)

But when they didn’t arrive, he peeked out of his hiding place and what he saw horrified him! Don and Heather were unconscious and being dragged into the House of Mirrors by a group of sinister looking clowns! Steve waited until they passed and then grabbed the nearest weapon, a large mallet. He followed past the eerie room of mirrors until he found a room beyond that was way larger than the entire tent combined! Inside, the clowns were tossing his two classmates into an enormous portal! As they did so, they spoke of studying these humans in order to better invade the Earth from their home world in Dimension X! The Overlord will be pleased! (I’ve got it! They’re taking them to Krang. He finally broke away from the incompetent Shredder and is now using evil clowns to do his dirty work! You’re not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans? How do you sleep at night?)

When they were done with their despicable work, the clowns entered the portal themselves. As it began to close, Steve seized his moment and leaped in after them! As he did this, the Marvel Universe sensed the birth of something…..new. Spider-man’s spider sense went wild, Doctor Strange sensed something amiss, the Silver Surfer sensed a strange power being born, the Watcher felt compelled to interfere, Reed Richards’ advanced technology went crazy, and Howard the Duck threw up! (Not sure what Howard hurling into a bucket had to do with anything, but I’m merely here to report the facts. That said…..#LeaThompsonInPanties. )

As Mark passed through the portal, a strange thing occurred. It seemed as if every atom in his teenage form was torn from him, restructured, and reassembled into something all together new! He landed in what seemed to be an underground laboratory with a loud splat! Looking up from his puddle-like form, he saw clowns surrounding him. One of them, who strangely resembled Groucho Marx, made some adjustments in Mark’s cartoon gloves and placed them on his gooey hands. He then pushed a hidden button and Mark immediately took on a more solid form. Oddly enough, he now looked like a cartoon parody of his costumed self! (Why do a lot of cartoon characters wear four-fingered, white gloves? ‘Tis a true mystery for the ages. Like what the hell is Grimace from McDonald’s lore? The world may never know. Damn! I really must want fast food!)

It was explained that this clown used to be the Scientist Supreme in Dimension X. This was back before the Overlord used his inventions to warp reality and conquer this world. The Overlord kept him in this dungeon in case he were to invent anything else that could be used in his evil conquest. Recently, however, the madman had turned his attention to Earth so that he could add to his kingdom! Humans had been taken to experiment upon and make this dream of his into a demented reality! When Mark had passed through into this world, his body had somehow been changed into a new, indestructible material! While he was unconscious, the scientist had also added more features to the gloves Mark now wore. He could push a button in them to once again look human. Also, his mallet would appear in his hand with a turn of the wrist! (Yeah. This part of the comic was pretty wordy. No need to thank me for summarizing it. I will accept cash donations though. Just sayin’.)

And then, just like that, the former Scientist Supreme of Dimension X clutched his chest in pain! He was having a heart attack! As he fell into Steve’s arms, he whispered that it was now up to him to free his dimension and his own. He spoke up in a heroic voice that he never knew he had and vowed to do just that! The scientist’s assistants handed him a map to help aid him in gaining entrance to the Overlord’s throne room. Taking it, Steve took the trapdoor into the passageway. When he was gone, the scientist stood up and declared that this trick worked every time! (Ooooh! That’s cold! That’s as cold as whoever thought up the idea of subjecting us to a new Barney the dinosaur show! It’s true! Google it!)

The being known as the Overlord resembled a hideous mockery of a jack-in-the-box! He ordered his enslaved human army onwards to conquer the Earth! As they marched, Steve began taking out the guards with his gigantic mallet from behind the stage! Others noticed this intruder and attacked. Mark took one out with gloved fingers to the eyes and a hulking clown by smashing him through a stone wall with his hammer! The Overlord took notice at this time and ordered the Scientist Supreme’s machine be used on he who would dare intrude upon his moment of impending triumph! But the machine wasn’t prepared for one such as Steve! The energy shot right back into the large device, causing it to explode when it was struck with Steve’s mallet at the same time! (I once used a hammer to vanquish an enemy. Of course that enemy was a ketchup packet and I was around five years old. Still though…..)

The Overlord’s castle began to crumble around them all! From the rubble, he looked to this odd hero and threatened his life! Steve merely grinned and smashed the Overlord back into his box and then struck him with a golf swing so hard, that the evil one flew through the crumbling ceiling and into the sky! That’s when the evil clowns turned upon him! Unable to think of another course of action, he yelled for the human captives to run! They all raced down the twisted path toward the now-reopening portal! Everyone made it through, including the clowns! But Steve swung his mighty hammer one final time, causing the portal to suck the clown army back inwards and explode! Steve turned to see his very curious best friend behind him. Maybe Mike wouldn’t recognize him. (All of this hammer swinging makes me think of Captain America with Mjolnir in “Avengers: Endgame”. Remember that iconic moment when he yelled, “Avengers assemble!” Ha! You were all moved to the point of tears. Wussies. Nerds. I didn’t cry…..much…..every time I watch it……sob.)

Wrong. Mike knew him right away by the sound of his voice. The two walked together in the wooded area near the demolished carnival grounds. And as they did, Steve’s comic-loving friend told him he should use his unique powers to fight crime. This was agreed upon quickly. But he’d need an alias. After a few failed attempts, Steve finally cried out, “Slapstick!” The rest, as they say, is history.

End.

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Avenging Hero…..in a Tutu

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What’s hideously deformed, smells of toxic waste, and wears a ragged pink tutu? Yo mama! Ha! I kill myself sometimes! Ahem. Seriously though. If you answered, “The Toxic Avenger”, you’d be right on the money. The Toxic Avenger was created in 1984 as a black comedy/horror/superhero film for Troma Entertainment. Though the movie was low-budget and highly ignored upon it’s release the following year, it is now considered to be a cult classic. It spawned three sequels, a comic series by Marvel, and even a cartoon series, “The Toxic Crusaders”. That’s just to name a few of it’s major accomplishments. I first saw Toxie at home, on a rented VHS tape, when I was just a little boy. (And I turned out to be a completely well-adjusted individual. Kinda.) I’ve watched and re-watched it over and over again since and a large movie poster even adorned my bedroom wall. He was a large part of my childhood and is thusly held in high regard in my heart to this very day. That said, on with the story…..

Carrying only a mop, the creature crawls through the disgusting refuse of the barren junkyard. Confusion taints his every thought. Where is he? Who is he? All he remembers with clarity is excruciating pain. He happens upon a beaten-up, old car. Looking at his reflection in the vehicle’s broken window, he sees a grotesque monster looking back at him! He lets loose an unearthly roar that echoes throughout the garbage dump! Not far away, a trio of street thugs jump at the frightening sound. Leaving the warmth of their flaming barrel, they check their guns and go to investigate. The monster’s body is suddenly bombarded with an intense tingling. He somehow knows that evil approaches. (I get that buzzing feeling too. It’s usually caused by too much caffeine and followed by a sugar crash that involves me snoring away for hours. The only evil that follows is a stomachache and a mad dash to the bathroom.)

The punks round the corner and spy a humanoid form in the shadows. They waste no time in leaping from their hiding place and firing semi-automatic rounds into their intended prey! The three slowly approach their bullet-ridden target. It’s then that they realize that it was only a discarded mannequin. They question one another as to who cried out then. Their answer comes from a monstrous growl from behind them. The creature stands there revealed, spinning his mop like a weapon! (I totally did this move with a broom once. No lie! I mean, I quit after I nailed myself in the junk and went up a whole octave, but I did it!)

With a swift swipe of the mop, the trio are simultaneously disarmed! Another swipe takes all three off of their feet! The nameless monster lifts one of the thugs effortlessly over his head and shoves him into a nearby stack of tires! He then kicks the screaming man off of the peak of the junk pile, sending him crashing below! He’s then seemingly crushed to death by the tons of hastily stacked trash that topple down from the force of the impact! Seizing this moment as an opportunity to attack, another of the punks breaks a large chunk of wood over the creature’s head! He quickly turns, completely unharmed and now slightly irritated. The thug is thrown down into a festering pool of toxic waste! The man-beast then runs toward the bubbling chemicals (Probably 7-up. Hate that stuff unless I’m sick. Great! There goes my sponsor!) and reaches in to finish the fight. What he pulls out is nothing more than a charred and smoking skeleton! The monster turns then to see the last of his attackers run off, screaming into the night!

The evildoer leaps into a car and speeds off! The monster, in hot pursuit, runs after the car and into traffic! The creature then hails a passing cab. The driver pulls over, takes one look at his prospective passenger, and exits from the vehicle’s opposite door as fast as his body allows! The beast gets into the driver’s seat and floors the gas! He follows the thug’s car throughout the busy city streets until the creature hits a ramp at such a high speed, that he sails through the air until the cab crashes onto the roof of a nearby shop! (Man! That’s really hard to do! I only did it once or twice as a teen. Yep. Pretty rare.) The monster crawls, unharmed, from the wreckage. It then hears the terrified cries of the people down below. They’re scared of him. He leaps down from the roof, roaring in outrage! The concrete shatters where his feet impacted the ground! The people run away in a panic! Confused and frightened himself, he runs too.

We now shift our attention elsewhere. The scene is the Tromaville Home for the Blind. A scantily clad young woman with spiked hair and white facepaint covering half of her features speaks to the owner of the building. She asks him, with an obvious lack of tact, if he’ll sell the building to her boss for the purpose of tearing it down to make room for a toxic waste dump. Understandably angry at this, he orders her to leave the premises immediately. Amused, she does so. When she gets outside, she gives a loud whistle. Trucks full of gasoline begin driving in! (Awww! She’s sorry. She’s going to make up for her bad attitude by throwing a large barbecue! Oh! I do hope there’s weenies!)

Men exit the trucks, attach hoses, and begin dousing the entire building with gas! When it’s sufficiently drenched, the girl lights a match and tosses it onto the walkway to the entrance! There’s a large explosion as the Home for the Blind is engulfed in a firey inferno! (Okay. Everyone be calm. It does now appear that there will be no weenies.) The drivers then pull out guns and begin picking off the survivors that run from the burning facility! A load roar is then heard! One of the gasoline trucks is suddenly lifted and hurled at the shocked gunmen! The monster walks through the fire, towards an armed survivor of his awesome attack! The man panics and grabs the nearest fleeing blind person. He holds a sawed-off shotgun to her temple, threatening to take her life if he isn’t allowed safe passage out of here!

The creature implores him to let the poor girl go. Touched by this show of chivalry, the blind girl introduces herself as Claire. But before the man-beast can reply, she ducks down and rams her elbow into the henchman’s ribcage! He drops the gun! The monster seizes this opportunity. He punches a hole nearly clean through the villain’s head! (Umm. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think the guy in the picture above is gonna make it. I mean, I’m no doctor…..) The monstrous hero suddenly feels something strike him in the head. He turns and sees that the city’s denizens are pelting him with stones. Scooping up Claire in his powerful arms, he flees the scene as quickly as he can.

While this is going on, a sinister businessman orders his henchmen to dump more toxic waste into the filtration system of the pools at the Tromaville Health Club. When one of these goons dares to question why, the man replies that he wasnts to impress his uncle when he arrives. Meanwhile, the strange monster and Claire sit at the city dump. Things seem to move rather quickly between the two as she suddenly professes her love for her hero and desire to live with him. Overjoyed, he decides that his appearance and current encounters with the people of this city will unfortunately force him to reside right where the two lovebirds currently sit. Claire surprisingly agrees and the man-beast begins the hasty construction of a makeshift shelter. (Wow! Chicks. You show women the slightest bit of interest, and they immediately want to move in together. Am I right, fellas? Sheesh! Oh, if you happen to be a female that’s reading this, I immediately recant my previous statement. )

The two new lovers hold one another in the confines of their junkyard shack. Claire suddenly kisses her man. It’s then that he springs to his feet as his memories all suddenly flood in at once! His name is Melvin Junko! (Whew! Thank God! I was getting so sick of trying to find synonyms for the word “monster” and then alternating them! Though calling this huge guy “Melvin” isn’t much better!) Claire is understandably concerned. She asks Melvin if he’s okay. He replies that he is and that he now remembers how all of this happened to him. She begs that he tell her. He agrees and begins his tale.

Melvin Junko was your average, nerdy, ninety-eight pound weakling. He was the local janitor at the Tromaville Health Club, a place where only the beautiful and popular would congregate to show off ther perfect bodies. Needless to say, Melvin stuck out like a sore thumb. There was a girl that frequented the club that had always caught Melvin’s eye. Her name was Linda. Linda was living proof that beauty on the outside could definitely mask pure ugliness within. One day, as poor Melvin was mopping up around the pool area, the owner watched him with obvious disgust. He called Linda to his office and a nefarious plot to humiliate Melvin was concocted. (Man! That’s messed up! As an obsessive comic book fan, I call to all of the nerds of the world to rise up against our popular oppressors! The time for retribution is nigh! Or we could just complain the injustice of it all a bit and then play our Dungeons & Dragons in defiance. Dibs on the Drow elf!)

Linda approached Melvin that afternoon. Acting apologetic about her past dealings with him and aroused by his mere presence, she asked him to meet her in a back room later to be romantic. Overjoyed, Melvin agrees. There’s one catch however, it seems she’s only turned on when men kiss her in pink ballerina outfits. Too excited to question this strange request further, Melvin speeds off to change while she waits. (One might question Melvin here. Did he not suspect a practical joke? Need I remind you that she’s a sexy blonde, sporting a bikini, and he’s your average dumb man? I thought that might clear things up.) A few fumbling moments later, and with his prized mop in hand, he emerges to find the girl of his dreams waiting for him. Grabbing his pile of clothes suddenly, she runs out into the common area of the health club! A very panicked Melvin Junko gives chase! But what he finds when he exits the door is the laughing faces of literally everyone in the club! Even his boss chuckled and pointed!

Poor Melvin did the only thing his embarrassed and horrified mind could think of. He ran away. Unfortunately for him, the amassed bulky bullies gave chase until Melvin jumped from the nearest window! The fall wasn’t too bad height-wise. It was what he landed in. A truck that was hauling toxic waste had stopped directly underneath that very window! A bolt of lightning then struck the very barrel he was inside! Moments later, the young man slowly tried to crawl from the industrial byproduct! His flesh burned and bubbled as he did so! His hair ignited and fell out as his muscles grew and swelled with each painful step! No-one tried to help. What could they possibly do even if thry had been that compassionate? The monstrous form that was once Melvin Junko then sought refuge in the only place he could, the garbage dump. (The flashback has now ended. I now return you to your regularly scheduled movie adaption comic, already in progress.)

The monster now turns to Claire and announces that Melvin Junko died that night. From this day forward, he would be known as the Toxic Avenger! With this dramatic proclamation, he suddenly feels his body quake like it did earlier! Evil is near! That’s when a tank, driven by the punk that escaped him earlier, busts through the shack wall! Well, that’s the end of issue numero uno. If you were intrigued by my narrative and wish to find out what happens next, go buy a copy of issue two yourself! (I can’t do everything for you after all! Ha!)

Some items that I, your humble Symbifan, possess: (A Toxic Avenger novel signed by his creator, Lloyd Kaufman, and a figure of Toxie that my son just presented me with tonight, bought with his very first paycheck.)

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Domino Effect

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Greetings and salutations, Denizens of the Unspoken Universe! The Symbifan is back in the hizzy! (That’s my failed attempt at humor. Don’t worry. There’s more to come.) I thought I’d return to the Marvel Universe for this article. But not the Marvel Universe you know and love. No. For this particular article, I dare to ask the question…….”What if?”

This story begins as most tales of alternate realities begin, with the Watcher! The Watcher is a cosmic being blessed/cursed to bear witness to important events in the history of the Marvel Universe, yet he can never intervene, no matter how much he is compelled to. (So he’s pretty much a godlike peeping tom with excuses as to why he can’t step up like a real man. Oh! Burn!) But the Watcher not only sees one universe, he sees all of them from his hidden perch atop the Earth’s moon. It seems that in most cases, history can and will change drastically as the result of one single changed event. Like so…..

In the Marvel Universe we know a frail, yet patriotic, young man from Brooklyn, Steve Rogers, would become the only super soldier when the scientist who created the unique serum, Dr. Erskine, was shot to death by a German spy. But things in this universe went down slightly different as Rogers was fast enough to push his creator to safety, causing the bullet to miss its intended target! This moment would change this universe forevermore. (You ever try to say “super soldier serum” five times fast? It’s impossible! Did you try it just now? Ha! Made you do stuff!)

The U.S. government would now go on to create severel more super soldiers with Rogers, AKA Captain America, and a young Nick Fury leading them. Before long, World War II was at an end, with America being the ultimate victor of the conflict. The war over, Rogers and Fury began their long journey home. However, their ship was attacked by some remaining Nazi U-boats. Only Steve would survive to return to the States. (Seems a bit shifty to me. Hmmm.)

Steve Rogers would return as the biggest hero in American history. He would go on to create more super soldiers to serve in his world police force, S.H.I.E.L.D. His popularity grew until he was even elected as President for an unheard of three consecutive terms. It all seemed like the beginning of a fantastic new era for America. But all was not as it seemed. President Rogers had a twisted idea of “human perfection”. His ideas of a “master race” mirrored Nazi beliefs as his men began to exterminate not only those that he saw as potential superhuman threats to his dream, but citizens that were deemed as “undesirables”! (Like people that don’t reply when you say, “Excuse me.” Ugh! That really toasts my buns!)

One of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most feared soldiers/hunters was a man named Frank Castle. He wears devastatingly powerful armor, created by a man named Tony Stark. With it, hes been dubbed the Iron Man. It’s during his mission to execute the famed Sub-Mariner in the North Atlantic that a startling discovery is made…..a block of ice that seemed to contain the frozen body of Captain America! (Cap just seems to be destined to enter the new world with horrible brain freeze no matter what!)

Iron Man uses Namor’s confusion to his advantage, stunning him with several repulsor blasts. He then hauls The Sub-Mariner and the frozen man onto a waiting S.H.I.E.L.D. aircraft. Namor is placed within a containment cell while a quickly-melting Captain America is laid out on a slab. Castle gets involved in a heated conversation with the two super soldier pilots, making him completely unaware that the man dressed in red, white, and blue has opened his eyes! (It’s on now! Yeah! Go, Cap! Sorry. I got a little too hyped there. It’s all of the caffeine admittedly.)

Captain America’s time frozen in ice has done little in slowing his fighting prowess! He quickly not only disarms and defeats the soldiers, but Iron Man as well! He then quickly frees the aquatic prisoner. They move in on Castle. Cap is quickly brought up to speed on the recent state of his beloved country and that it seems as though he is the cause of all of this horror by Namor. Castle states that he was only following orders as Cap is his childhood hero. Rogers then asks if this is the America that Frank truly wants to fight for. His reply is to incinerate the two super soldiers! Namor flies into a frenzy! This man can hardly be trusted! Captain America separates the two and states that they all have a common goal here. If this war is to be won, they will all need to work together. Both men agree and the Avengers are born! (Frank Castle with Iron Man armor is the stuff of nightmares. Just sayin’.)

The trio commandeer the S.H.I.E.L.D. aircraft and use the computer systems aboard to search for others with extraordinary skills to aid them in their cause. This search takes them to the vast wilderness of the world’s 51st. state, Canada. They exit the ship and it doesn’t take long before they find the one they’re looking for, a mysterious man from Cap’s past that goes by the name, Logan. Logan wastes zero time for pleasantries, but instead attacks! As he fights, his body goes through a strange metamorphosis, sprouting long, white hair all over a huge, monstrous form! (Hey! My hair’s turned white too. I want super strength to go along with it! Of course, my hair’s the side-effect of raising two teenagers.)

The Avengers throw everything at the rampaging beast, but to no avail! Logan roars that he’ll destroy anyone who works with a monster like Steve Rogers! That’s when Cap finally says that he’s the real Captain America and that if he joins them, there will be no shortage of super soldiers to maim and kill. And just like that, Logan replies that he is now known as the Hulk and that he’ll join them. (That didn’t take long. I don’t want to say that Wolverine’s a psycho, but maybe some medication wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.)

Unfortunately, the Avengers would arrive too late to recruit their next man. Hank Pym and his wife had been murdered. Their bodies still lie on the floor. But before they can take their leave, Iron Man catches a burglar as he’s breaking into the house! The burglar says that his name is Sam Wilson and that he detests having to steal in order to live. But in this country, a black man’s lucky not to be sent to a death camp, let alone get honest work. Captain America is then struck with inspiration. He hands Wilson one of Pym’s costumes and pills that Pym was going to use to alter his size. Sam takes these items and becomes the mighty Giant Man! (What’s that you say? Where’s Scott Lang to take up the mantle, like in the Ant-Man movies? Isn’t Pym supposed to be an old man? Read a comic, people! Damn!)

(I omitted a part here involving Magneto that I felt served no purpose to the present story. I am not, nor have I ever been, a mutant-hater. That is all.) The team uses Castle’s security clearance to gain access to the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier. But as they rush by, they witnesses great power humming within a nearby room. Looking in, they see a man with long, blonde hair and body armor, shackled with energy cuffs! The super soldiers are seemingly attempting to drain not only him, but the power from a large hammer held firmly in his grip! Cap and his allies spring into action, fighting off the soldiers and freeing the prisoner! He claims that he is the Norse god, Thor, and he will help them.

While more super soldiers enter the room, Iron Man shouts that Cap needs to find the room that holds the super soldier serum and destroy it. With the heroes covering his escape, he follows Castle’s directions to navigate the humongous helicarrier. He finds many soldiers along the way, but always he triumphs and moves ever onward. Soon, he finds the lock to the correct door. He scans his fingerprints. The device confirms that he is the President of the United States and opens. Inside, even Captain America must gasp. Standing there is none other than his un-aged creator, Dr. Erskine! (Crap! I want some of that de-aging serum! I pop more than Rice Crispies when I stand up!)

Cap approaches the older man. To his surprise, the good doctor is beyond pleased to see him. He comments how proud he is of him and his good work. How his serum helped in saving America. That’s when the forlorn superhero turns on a wall of television screens. The several news channels report on the horror that the United States has truly become. And at the center of it all, President Steve Rogers. Dr. Erskine then drops to his knees and sobs. He had been blissfully unaware of the outside world for decades. This sad moment is interrupted however by the sudden appearance of President “Steve Rogers” with a loaded gun! (That’s heartbreaking. Decades with no t.v.? How can he be expected to keep up with the such educational programs like DC’s Peacemaker, starring John Cena? Those monsters!)

Captain America doesn’t have to wait long for an explanation on just who his doppelganger is. He is none other than the Red Skull! The Skull was thought dead near the end of World War II, but he had his top scientist place his mind into a cloned body of Rogers! He then ordered Nazi U-boats to fire upon Cap and Nick Fury’s ship, trading places with the real Captain America in the confusion! The rest, as they say, is history. (Don’t you just love when the villain explains their entire master plan? It’s idiotic in practice, but us readers enjoy the explanation. Villains: Catching up slow comic fans since forever. Amen.) The Red Skull then tells a distraught Dr. Erskine that he’s no longer needed. The Skull has figured out the super soldier serum for himself!

The Red Skull aims the handgun directly at Cap’s face! But Erskine moves suddenly in front of the hero, taking a bullet to the chest! A bullet that perhaps should have hit its target so very long ago. (As Metallica might say, “Sad But True”. What? I already admitted earlier that I was old!) Enraged, Captain America throws himself at his evil double! The two scuffle until the true patriotic super soldier picks up the cloned madman and hurles him into a power generator! The body convulses and sizzles until it falls lifeless to the floor! But the threat has not yet ended. Cap returns to his allies. The battle continues to rage between super soldiers and the Avengers!

More and more heavily-armed super soldiers continue to flood into the room! The heroes know in their hearts that they won’t survive this fight. But, like true warriors, they’ll go down fighting! That’s when Captain America calls out a battle cry that seems to empower his loyal comrades, “Avengers assemble!”

Time passes as time does, and America slowly begins to become what it was meant to be, a home for people of all races and religions to come together as one people. And though the heroes that fought to make this dream a working reality once again perished during that epic battle so long ago, the people will never forget their sacrifice.

Well, that’s it. With this story now concluded, this very tired Symbifan is gonna go to bed. Later, alligators! After awhile, Loki Crocodiles! Lol! Until next time.