90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 1 of 4)

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That’s right, Legions of the Unspoken! We’re a 90’s site about comic books, so you knew that some day, the Main Man himself was gonna find his way here! That time is now! You know, as I sat and pondered a way to reminisce and recount my first dealings with this character, a thought entered my head. Maybe I should be more like Lobo and leap straight into the action, skipping all of the sappy crap. (Anyway, if he knew how long it took me to get to him, I’d be a very deceased Symbifan! Gulp!) So, without further ado…..

Lobo sat outside, complaining out loud to himself as much as to the space dolphins as they swam past peacefully amongst the stars. He was extremely angry about something. He cursed as he threw a book down on the ground in disgust. It read: “The Unauthorized Biography of Lobo” on the cover. He vowed that whoever wrote this piece of filth would suffer a long, agonizing death. That’s when his communication screen hummed to life inside the complex and rang obnoxiously. Who could be calling him? Cursing, he stomped inside with a growl. He answered and Vril Dox, commander and chief of L.E.G.I.O.N., a type of intergalactic peacekeeping agency, came into focus. There were no kind words between the two men. Mostly because Vril Dox had the unique ability to order Lobo around. For now that is. Lobo wasted no time in demanding to know why his personal time was being interrupted. Vril replied that he had a mission for the last Czarnian. A prisoner needed transported immediately. Lobo was not impressed. (Damn! And I thought I had temper problems! The Main Man has me beat all to hell! Now if I just had his muscles too. Sigh. God, I’m out of shape. Old too…..sob…..The life of a nerd is sad one. But you should see my collection! Sob……)

Later, the Main Man cruised throughout deepest space on his space hog, on his way to retrieve the prisoner in question. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox sat at his desk as Lady Quark scolded the green man for sending Lobo of all people on this mission. He didn’t look the least bit unnerved. In fact, he looked amused about the identity of the prisoner. She was an excellent writer after all. He smiled as he patted his copy of the unauthorized biography. (Damn! Vril’s asking for it here! Me thinks that the little green man wants an epic spanking! Hell, he’s begging for it! Pervert.) Meanwhile, Lobo had arrived for prisoner transfer at Oneida VI. As he walked, he was threatened time and time again by the guard to not step out of line while visiting. The last Czarnian put up with the robotic little man with little to say in his defense. But as the elevator doors opened, the guard fell out, piece by piece! Lobo smiled to himself as he walked onward towards the cells.

Elsewhere, it was total anarchy in a bookstore on Blake-7 as a demented gang, the Lobos, had felt it their sworn duty to destroy any place foolish enough to sell books spouting lies about their hero, Lobo, and end the lives of anyone stupid enough to work in such places! The gangs leader, a nasty piece if work called Sickbag, decreed that when they were done in this present establishment, they would hunt out this so-called writer and put an end to her too! The others cheered in agreement. They later flew out of the bookstore on Blake-7 as it exploded! (Would that classify as a book burning? Ha! I apologize for the total “dad-ness” of that last joke.) Back on Oneida, Lobo stared in absolute horror as the identity of his would be passenger was at last known to him! The female guard looked perplexed. She asked if Lobo knew this older woman. He replied that she was his fourth grade teacher from Czarnia, Miss. Tribb! Oh horror of horrors! But how? He’d made sure to murder everyone on his home planet! Only one as truly evil as she could survive that massacre it seemed!

Lobo immediately called Vril Dox. He was outraged that the man obviously knew that she was his passenger and put him on the job to make him suffer. Vril simply replied to remember that she was to make it to her destination alive. He then added with a smirk that he thought that she was more than fair with the estimation of Lobo in her book. Lobo was beside himself with rage! He had no idea that she was the author he wanted dead as well! But before he could properly formulate the correct string of curse words, Vril casually hung up! Lobo beat his head on the nearby counter over and over. While on R’a’gan’s World, a planet for the elderly to spend their last days in peace, Miss. Tribb’s picture was shown on the local news with talk about her bestselling book. A table surrounded by kind-looking older ladies looked up in alarm. So she was the one who wrote that filth? Time to plan a day trip and break out the heavy artillery! (Even a psychotic gang of old ladies is getting mixed up in this madness now! Who else thinks the elderly woman above looks kinda cute? Not like that! I meant cute like a puppy! You guys are gross! Although…..rawr!)

As Miss Tribb uncomfortably sat on the back of Lobo’s space hog, she complained like it was going out of style. So much so that the Main Man almost drew blood as he literally bit his lip in rage. Later, the two stopped at an interstellar truck stop to eat and so Lobo could relieve himself. As he did so, he left the old woman at a filthy table. As she sat, she listened into the conversations around her. Two thugs caught her attention as one used the word “ain’t”. Tribb made a disgusted noise, calling attention to herself. The two turned and asked what her problem was. It’s then that she roared how “ain’t” isn’t a word! She then followed the remark by criticizing their mothers! When Lobo returned from the restroom, there was a line waiting to beat on the cocky, old Czarnian woman! Lobo grinned. (Uh-oh! It’s disturbing when a person that’s that homicidal grins! Trust me, I was once married!) Lobo thanked the closest goon for giving him a reason to unleash all of his pent-up rage on anyone!

And boy, did he unleash hell on these tough guys! You almost actually felt sorry for them! As Lobo beat them all senseless, Miss Tribb voiced her disgust at his unbecoming behavior. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, the behemoth called Strata sought out Vril Dox. Locating him, he frantically explained Lobo’s recent actions at the faraway truck stop and asked their next step. Vril merely smiled as he replied that no-one was to interfere. Internally, he thought to himself how things were going exactly as planned. At that moment, Tribb backseat drove throughout the deepest of space. Lobo gritted his teeth until he finally let loose a blood-curdling cry!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Worthy of the Webs (part 4 of 4)

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Well, here we are! The epic finale in the slugfest between the fledgling hero, now known as the Scarlet Spider, and the veteran villain, Venom! Will Ben Reilly succeed where so many other heroes have failed? Will he defeat the Lethal Protector once and for all? (And will I finish this article in or out of the bathroom due to stomach issues? Stay tuned!)

Venom stood atop the skyscraper, lifting the broken and battered hero one handed by his neck! The Scarlet Spider’s feet dangled over the edge as Venom mocked him. Ben couldn’t help but wonder if he deserved this. He was nothing more than a clone after all. (Ugh! Stop with the pity party already and kick his ass, Benny-boy! Jeez! Am I right, folks?) That’s when the Scarlet Spider looked over to Scream. The woman within the symbiote was unconscious and barely breathing. That’s when rage overtook him! No! He wouldn’t surrender! Not when another human life was depending on him! Using all of his advanced strength, the Scarlet Spider balled up his fist and struck behind himself! The blow connected with Venom’s jaw, stunning him long enough for Ben to turn and deliver yet another powerful blow! This one sent Venom soaring across the rooftops, crashing straight through a billboard!

Venom doesn’t stay down for long though! As the Scarlet Spider swings towards his foe, Venom has already shot up a webline of their own, swiping at the hero with razor-sharp claws! Ben barely dodges! He’ll have to slow the villain down. He raises his web-shooter and fires countless orbs that explode upon impact into quick growing webbing! Soon, the symbiotic duo are completely encased, not unlike a deranged mummy! The hero attempts to take a breath and rest his open wound. He needs to plan. But an enraged Venom bursts through the several layers of ultra-strong webbing with an unearthly roar! Wasting no time, Venom pounces at Ben like a panther, sending them both over the building’s edge! (Damn, I nearly spit out my popcorn as I read the exciting words I just wrote! Damn, I’m good!)

The two trade blows back and forth in the small crater they’ve created in the street below! Finally, Venom seems to prepare for a killing strike! But too late! As the monster taunts him, Ben fires even more impact webbing balls into the symbiote’s open, fanged mouth! As they explode, the force begins to pull the Venom creature from it’s human host! As this transpires below, a lone figure dressed in a ragged cape watches from a rooftop with keen interest! The Spider then finishes his attack by firing a stinger bolt from his web-shooter! It hits Eddie Brock’s exposed skin, causing immense pain! While he’s stunned, the Scarlet Spider delivers blow after powerful blow to the villain! They connect with devastating results until, at long last, Venom drops! The mystery man from the rooftop stands, shocked. He will make his presence known soon. Ben Reilly will soon feel the mark of Kaine! (So cool! I have literal goosebumps! Who is this mystetious Kaine? Use Google. Who am I, your living encyclopedia? Presume much?)

Now separated from it’s unconscious and beaten human host, the symbiote lunges towards Reilly! It senses something familiar about him and longs for symbiosis! (What a cheating whore!) But Ben forces it away striking the already wounded alien creature until it drops. The Scarlet Spider then collapses, exhausted beyond words. Later, armored Guardsmen take Eddie Brock and the symbiote in to custody in separate containment chambers. Scream seems to have disappeared completely. The Guardsman takes the Scarlet Spider’s hand and thanks him as he shakes it. The Scarlet Spider then fires a webline upwards and swings away in deep thought. He just defeated Venom! Maybe he’s worth more than he originally thought. Maybe he can be a superhero after all!

End.

(P.S. I made it without running to the bathroom once! Yay, me!)

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Worthy of the Webs (part 3 of 4)

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Here we are, Unspokenites! Its part three of my look back at not only the Scarlet Spider’s first night out as a hero, but his first battle as well! And what a first battle too! I mean, who goes and picks a fight with Venom when they’re just a rookie? (I’d be searching for someone wussy like Egghead or something.) Anyway, I present to you the story from “Web of Spider-Man” #119…..

The Scarlet Spider clings to the wall of a building, holding pressure to the webbing that’s holding his insides in place. Venom almost gutted him just moments ago. He needs to get home. Find a way to treat his wounds. Somehow, he manages to return to his apartment. Using his hooded sweatshirt, he ties pressure over the deep gashes on his side just as his webbing finally dissolves. He dresses in his civilian clothes and attempts a call on the telephone for help. But the blood loss is too great. He passes out in the building’s hallway. A neighbor discovers him and, despite her distrust, decides to get him to the hospital ASAP. (Man, I know this is a serious moment in the story, but who else would become a peeping tom if they were granted spider powers? Well? A show of hands? Liars!)

Elsewhere, Venom swings toward the apartment of one Peter Parker in search of answers about this fake Spider-Man that they’ve just battled. The symbiotic duo crash through a window and examine the dwelling. Empty. Annoyed, they look elsewhere. (The subtlety of a triggered Gilbert Gottfried-sounding burglar alarm. Rest in peace, dude.) Their search next take them to the home of Parker’s Aunt May. Nothing. What’s been going on in their absence? Where is Spider-Man? At that moment, as Ben Reilly receives the last of his stitches at the hospital, a nurse casually leaves the room and searches out a phone. Finding one, she makes a hurried call to reporter, Ken Ellis, of the Daily Bugle. He had called earlier, offering cash to anyone who had news of a young man with a specific, serious injury that should arrive this night. Hanging up quickly, he rushes out the double doors and into a passing cab.

Ellis’ sudden departure does not go unnoticed. A being atop a building across the street uncloaks herself, becoming visible. (It’s a Disney-owned Predator! Run! Run before it forces you into it’s inevitably crappy movie!) It’s the female symbiote, Scream. She will follow this reporter. He will lead her to this new Spider. And through him, Venom. Then she will have hope again. Hope of controlling her alien “other”. She cloaks herself once again and follows the cab from the rooftops. Meanwhile, a room of gangsters speak to a shadowed man as he reads the newspaper. They demand he do what they hired him to do, murder the head of another crime family for them. This is his specialty after all. The mysterious man is called Kaine and he doesn’t like taking orders. Kaine ignores them and continues reading in silence. Now angered, guns are drawn and held on him. But Kaine merely knocks the large chandelier down onto many of the criminals with the throw of an unseen weapon, disarms two more men with ease, and finishes by burning the face of the most outspoken one with his mere touch. He dies in anguish! Kaine leaves the paper behind with the headline announcing the Scarlet Spider. Kaine whispers to no-one that he’s found something else more interesting to do.

Back at the hospital, as Ben lowers his shirt over his bandaged midsection, he overhears a commotion from behind his curtain. Peering out, he spies Ken Ellis pushing his way through the nurses. Frantic to conceal his identity, Ben leaps onto the ceiling and pulls the casing off of the overhead vent. He crawls through hastily, making his way to the roof in hardly any time. When Ellis bursts in, he’s met with an empty room. (I know I’ve felt like crawling to freedom exactly like Ben did to escape the utter boredom of the emergency room where I live! You need how much blood? How long does this test’s results take? Madness!) But when the Scarlet Spider reaches the rooftop, he finds he isn’t alone! Scream’s waiting for him! Good thing he thought to pull his mask on! She demands his aid in finding Venom. But Ben has had enough of this situation. He swings off quickly, leaving her to rage alone! Or did he?

Scream tears the rooftop to pieces in her anger, sending pieces of debris flying downwards to the people in the busy streets below! But the Scarlet Spider hasn’t left the scene quite yet. Half expecting this, he hid and waited. He catches and crushes as much of the falling pieces as he can before she swings away. Ben begins to think, what if he hadn’t been here to rescue these people below tonight? What if he’d ignored them and left them to save themselves? It reminded him of Peter’s Uncle Ben and how his murder could have been prevented should Peter have stopped a certain thief earlier that fateful night. Perhaps he’d forgotten Spider-Man’s lesson: “With great power comes great responsibility.” (Is anyone else sick of this constantly repeated credo? Ugh! It’s like the Spider-Man origin story in general. I consider leaping from a high window whenever it’s retold. Maybe it’s just me…..Nah.)

Later, the woman who saved Ben Reilly’s life knocks on his apartment door. She’s been wondering if he’s okay since his sudden disappearance at the hospital. (Yeah. And she saw his muscles while he was unconscious too. I bet that played no part. Women. What a bunch of perverts.) Ben answers but doesn’t remove the chain from his door. He apologies and tells her that he’s busy. She looks taken aback at his rudeness but nods and leaves. He closes the door all of the way and continues suiting up. He’s going to war against Venom! He may still leave this city, but it’ll be with a clean conscience because he’s stopped that creature! Elsewhere, Scream has absolutely lost it! She throws even more heavy objects from the great height of another skyscraper, putting countless more innocent people in harms way! She’s stopped rather quickly, though, as two feet hit her at great speed and with superhuman force! She turns. Venom has arrived and they’ve had enough! Venom knocks Scream down with a powerful punch to the face! They then pin her down and begin to literally tear the bonded symbiote from the human host’s very flesh!

Just then, small orbs are fired upon Venom from behind! Venom turns, confused. The Scarlet Spider stands where the tiny balls were shot from. The pellets suddenly explode with webbing and it covers Venom’s face so quickly and completely, that even they must struggle to tear it off! The hero states that he calls his new invention impact webbing, and he’s brought plenty to end this fight! The two square off. The final battle is here at last!

To be concluded…..

The Gimmick Era Has Never Been Covered So Well.