90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag It! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 3 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! Wow! Are we really almost done with this miniseries? That didn’t take long. I mean, I took forever to write about it, but it’s still almost done. So, what’re your thoughts on this limited series? Leave a comment so I feel all warm and special in my inside-y parts. And now, back to the story…..

To say Vril Dox was angry was an understatement! He had cleverly sent Lobo after the one person that he’d want to murder most in the galaxy, thus stoking his rage so he’d not only murder rivals of Vril’s like the police chief, but take out others of the criminal element like those Lobo-loving bikers. It was all too perfect. If he was lucky, all converging parties as well as Lobo himself would all perish. But no! Now Lobo had to turn up missing! Vril Dox wanted answers! Where in the known galaxy was the Main Man? (Brilliant scheme, but I wouldn’t poke the bear like this. Being on Lobo’s bad side is like calling out a woman on her memory. A death sentence!) Just then, the interested parties began to arrive in an asteroid field. And still, no Lobo!

Elsewhere, Lobo shakes the cobwebs from his head as he struggles to rise to his feet. Looking over, he sees the now-legless Miss Tribb in the corner of this strange room. He holds his pained head as he complains about her not warning him of this obviously hostile spacecraft. Now they had been gassed and imprisoned. This of course started a verbal battle of words that caused the duo to be gassed once again! As Lobo and Tribb lost consciousness this time, cloaked men spoke to one another. “Bee” would know what to do with their prisoners. When they both awoke once again, they found themselves on a stage! There was a sign that read “14th. Annual Orothography Commandos’ Spelling Bee”. Only cloaked monks sat in the audience. One announced it was time for the bee to begin! (Even I’m at a loss for words here…..)

But before the spelling bee could officially start, an elder monk explained to the prisoners on stage that it was their holy mission to bring correct grammar and literacy to the universe. The rules were simple: 1. Spell or die. 2. Spell correctly for your freedom. 3. No gum chewing. 4. All judge’s decisions are final. 5. And no sudden outbursts. (Well, I can definitely see killing someone over obnoxious gum chewing. Some people are annoying as hell as they smack their lips. Grrr! Pass me my meds, Mrs. Symbifan. Ahhhh! Thanks.) The competition begins. As the others spell their given words, they’re executed mercilessly for small mistakes! Lobo does great as he’s given words like “genocide” or “mutilation”. Miss Tribb of course spells her words flawlessly. This goes on until only Lobo, Tribb, and one other being are left! Sensing trouble, Lobo blows in the other alien’s oversized ear! He cries out in alarm! This means death due to sudden outburst! All that remain now are the two Czarnians. Teacher and delinquent pupil.

But the Main Man wasn’t going down without a fight. He proclaimed to the druids that this competition wasn’t fair as his opponent was once a teacher. Outraged at this, Miss Tribb retorted that yes, she was once a teacher. A teacher that he had recently mangled. The next thing he knew, Lobo awoke, suspended in chains, for the crime of harming one who would teach others! Tribb smiled gleefully! (I don’t know. I could think of some teachers from my past that deserve the chain treatment instead! Monsters!) But Lobo had had enough. As the cloaked men took aim, he broke through his chains and paid them all back in spades! He left no-one alive when all was said and done! This was almost a blessing judging by the way that they were mangled!

After Lobo and his disgruntled passenger were free and at a safe spaceport, the Main Man called Vril Dox to check in. He told his boss that they would be late as he was going to Revel-7 for some much-needed rest and relaxation. He then hung up, leaving Vril to wonder where he’d heard of that sector. Suddenly it hit him. Lobo had just given his whereabouts over an unsecured line. Not only that, but Revel-7 was a vacation planet! And when all of Lobo’s enemies arrived after hearing the news, it’d be nothing more than a planet-sized graveyard! Vril groaned. Meanwhile, on Revel-7, Miss Tribb complained like usual, but Lobo just told her to shut it for once and enjoy her Mai Tai! (I’ll take a Shirley Temple. Shaken, not stirred.)

To be concluded…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 2 of 4)

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Welcome back, Legions of the Unspoken! I apologize for the delay in getting part two of this series out to you. I know you’ve all been dying for the sequel. So, without further ado, I give you the Main Man himself…..

At the moment, Lobo stands outside of his door at the seediest motel in the worst part of the galaxy. He looks down at a small, yellow humanoid that he calls Gus. He warns Gus that his prisoner is within the room and that she’s to remain there while he makes a quick call. If all doesn’t go to plan, poor Gus will suffer for it. Oddly enough, Gus agrees with a smile. Lobo walks past him and locates the nearest communication device. He rings the bell at the front desk impatiently. The clerk appears shortly with an attitude. Seconds later, Lobo uses the communicator with the rude clerk’s blood still drying on his fists! (Let’s take this moment to appreciate Lobo’s act of mercy here. His calming meditation classes are really paying off! After all, he didn’t torture the guy before gutting him.)

Within moments, the Main Man is patched through to Vril Dox at L.E.G.I.O.N headquarters. Lobo complains about having to constantly check in on this god-awful mission. This is ignored while Dox repeats once again that the prisoner is to remain alive. He then terminates the call. Lobo suddenly spies an angry man standing next to him. The man complains that others need to use the phone too. Lobo walks away a moment later, fresh blood dripping from his hook. (Okay. So maybe the classes aren’t working that splendidly.) He returns to his room only to see that Gus is no longer standing guard outside! Lobo kicks in the door and scans the room. Empty! Cursing, he heads out in search of the foolish duo. Meanwhile, on Oneida VI, the local law enforcement agency plan the Last Czarnian’s demise for his recent murder of one of their officers! At that precise moment, the thugs from the diner the night before plot their own revenge as they search for Lobo and his elderly prisoner as well!

Following their trail, he locates them at a nearby ballet! Grumbling, Lobo enters the audience. Looking down from a higher vantage point, he spy’s them in the crowd. Lobo yells downwards at the unlikely pair but his voice is drowned out. Gus looks to Miss Tribb and exclaims how excited he is for Lobo to arrive. He had no idea that he liked dancing so much until the former school teacher told him so. (Fool! The old lady’s playing you, Gus! Let’s have a preemptive moment of silence for poor old Gus.) The ballet begins with automatic machine gun fire and heads being lopped off by chainsaws! Miss Tribb exclaims that she had no idea that this show was going to be so violent. Lobo stops to admire the carnage on stage before dropping from the balcony! He lands right atop Gus’s small form, crushing the smaller being to paste! (No! Gusssss!!!) Lobo grabs Tribb by the hair and begins to drag her through the crowd. That’s when he notices the audience cheering him!

Lobo ignores all of this, however. That is until a single bullet whizzes by his ear! He turns slowly and sees that the performers on stage are aiming their many weapons right at him! They’re actually angry that they’ve just been upstaged! Lobo pushes Miss Tribb away and approaches the angry dancers. What happens next is pure, unhinged violence at its best. The dancers attack the Main Man with everything they’ve got, but using just his hook, Lobo stands triumphant at the end! A pile of mangled performer corpses lies piled hehind him as he walks away, Miss Tribb thrown over his shoulder! (You don’t mess with stage nerds. They always be packin’!) The audience applauds as he strolls out of the theatre, a grin on his face. Elsewhere, the Sons of Lobo biker gang have overheard the diner ruffians discuss harming their idol! They fly off in search of the coming bloodbath. In a different sector of space, the police are waiting for Lobo to pass by them themselves. As the last factions prepare, the angry grannies approach the same spot within their titanic warship!

Later, Lobo and Miss Tribb fly through space upon Lobo’s space hawg. Tribb’s legs seem to be amputated! She scolds the Main Man for overreacting and states that she’ll just regenerate her missing limbs. Lobo replies that at least she can’t run off for a little while. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N headquarters, Vril Dox stares at a large viewing screen that shows all of the converging parties with Lobo right in the middle! He smiles as he whispers that everything’s going exactly to plan!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 1 of 4)

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That’s right, Legions of the Unspoken! We’re a 90’s site about comic books, so you knew that some day, the Main Man himself was gonna find his way here! That time is now! You know, as I sat and pondered a way to reminisce and recount my first dealings with this character, a thought entered my head. Maybe I should be more like Lobo and leap straight into the action, skipping all of the sappy crap. (Anyway, if he knew how long it took me to get to him, I’d be a very deceased Symbifan! Gulp!) So, without further ado…..

Lobo sat outside, complaining out loud to himself as much as to the space dolphins as they swam past peacefully amongst the stars. He was extremely angry about something. He cursed as he threw a book down on the ground in disgust. It read: “The Unauthorized Biography of Lobo” on the cover. He vowed that whoever wrote this piece of filth would suffer a long, agonizing death. That’s when his communication screen hummed to life inside the complex and rang obnoxiously. Who could be calling him? Cursing, he stomped inside with a growl. He answered and Vril Dox, commander and chief of L.E.G.I.O.N., a type of intergalactic peacekeeping agency, came into focus. There were no kind words between the two men. Mostly because Vril Dox had the unique ability to order Lobo around. For now that is. Lobo wasted no time in demanding to know why his personal time was being interrupted. Vril replied that he had a mission for the last Czarnian. A prisoner needed transported immediately. Lobo was not impressed. (Damn! And I thought I had temper problems! The Main Man has me beat all to hell! Now if I just had his muscles too. Sigh. God, I’m out of shape. Old too…..sob…..The life of a nerd is sad one. But you should see my collection! Sob……)

Later, the Main Man cruised throughout deepest space on his space hog, on his way to retrieve the prisoner in question. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox sat at his desk as Lady Quark scolded the green man for sending Lobo of all people on this mission. He didn’t look the least bit unnerved. In fact, he looked amused about the identity of the prisoner. She was an excellent writer after all. He smiled as he patted his copy of the unauthorized biography. (Damn! Vril’s asking for it here! Me thinks that the little green man wants an epic spanking! Hell, he’s begging for it! Pervert.) Meanwhile, Lobo had arrived for prisoner transfer at Oneida VI. As he walked, he was threatened time and time again by the guard to not step out of line while visiting. The last Czarnian put up with the robotic little man with little to say in his defense. But as the elevator doors opened, the guard fell out, piece by piece! Lobo smiled to himself as he walked onward towards the cells.

Elsewhere, it was total anarchy in a bookstore on Blake-7 as a demented gang, the Lobos, had felt it their sworn duty to destroy any place foolish enough to sell books spouting lies about their hero, Lobo, and end the lives of anyone stupid enough to work in such places! The gangs leader, a nasty piece if work called Sickbag, decreed that when they were done in this present establishment, they would hunt out this so-called writer and put an end to her too! The others cheered in agreement. They later flew out of the bookstore on Blake-7 as it exploded! (Would that classify as a book burning? Ha! I apologize for the total “dad-ness” of that last joke.) Back on Oneida, Lobo stared in absolute horror as the identity of his would be passenger was at last known to him! The female guard looked perplexed. She asked if Lobo knew this older woman. He replied that she was his fourth grade teacher from Czarnia, Miss. Tribb! Oh horror of horrors! But how? He’d made sure to murder everyone on his home planet! Only one as truly evil as she could survive that massacre it seemed!

Lobo immediately called Vril Dox. He was outraged that the man obviously knew that she was his passenger and put him on the job to make him suffer. Vril simply replied to remember that she was to make it to her destination alive. He then added with a smirk that he thought that she was more than fair with the estimation of Lobo in her book. Lobo was beside himself with rage! He had no idea that she was the author he wanted dead as well! But before he could properly formulate the correct string of curse words, Vril casually hung up! Lobo beat his head on the nearby counter over and over. While on R’a’gan’s World, a planet for the elderly to spend their last days in peace, Miss. Tribb’s picture was shown on the local news with talk about her bestselling book. A table surrounded by kind-looking older ladies looked up in alarm. So she was the one who wrote that filth? Time to plan a day trip and break out the heavy artillery! (Even a psychotic gang of old ladies is getting mixed up in this madness now! Who else thinks the elderly woman above looks kinda cute? Not like that! I meant cute like a puppy! You guys are gross! Although…..rawr!)

As Miss Tribb uncomfortably sat on the back of Lobo’s space hog, she complained like it was going out of style. So much so that the Main Man almost drew blood as he literally bit his lip in rage. Later, the two stopped at an interstellar truck stop to eat and so Lobo could relieve himself. As he did so, he left the old woman at a filthy table. As she sat, she listened into the conversations around her. Two thugs caught her attention as one used the word “ain’t”. Tribb made a disgusted noise, calling attention to herself. The two turned and asked what her problem was. It’s then that she roared how “ain’t” isn’t a word! She then followed the remark by criticizing their mothers! When Lobo returned from the restroom, there was a line waiting to beat on the cocky, old Czarnian woman! Lobo grinned. (Uh-oh! It’s disturbing when a person that’s that homicidal grins! Trust me, I was once married!) Lobo thanked the closest goon for giving him a reason to unleash all of his pent-up rage on anyone!

And boy, did he unleash hell on these tough guys! You almost actually felt sorry for them! As Lobo beat them all senseless, Miss Tribb voiced her disgust at his unbecoming behavior. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, the behemoth called Strata sought out Vril Dox. Locating him, he frantically explained Lobo’s recent actions at the faraway truck stop and asked their next step. Vril merely smiled as he replied that no-one was to interfere. Internally, he thought to himself how things were going exactly as planned. At that moment, Tribb backseat drove throughout the deepest of space. Lobo gritted his teeth until he finally let loose a blood-curdling cry!

To be continued…..

The Gimmick Era Has Never Been Covered So Well.