90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Ghost in the Machine (part 2 of 4)

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I have survived. Though I found myself in mortal danger, I live on. After a near-fatal Funko Pop avalanche, I crawled out from beneath the collectible rubble to press on and give you my comprehensive look back at “Death’s Head II” #2 by Marvel Comics. Only light injuries were sustained. (So…..much…..Disney….! I only slightly blame Mrs. Symbifan for her addiction. I have also been advised to tell you that I collect Funkos too and should probably just shut my trap. ) Moving on…..

It is the year 1992 and lightning strikes ominously as the Minion cyborg suddenly appears in a grungy back alley in New York City. Energy crackles from his metallic form as he constructs a deadly weapon out of the liquid metal in his right arm by sheer will. The cyborg is now ready to continue its mission. It will kill and assimilate the mind of one Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four! At that exact moment, Mr. Richards sits in a fancy, French restaurant, awaiting the arrival of his lovely wife, Sue. He looks up as the waiter appears with a phone. Mr. Fantastic takes it with a small thank you and answers. It’s Sue. It seems that she’ll be late for the date as she’s currently being held up at a charity event. He replies for her to take her time as he hangs up, amused. For once, she’s the late party. (For those of you that don’t know, Reed’s a crappy husband. He’d rather invent new technologies than satisfy his wife’s needs. Now, the sexy, aquatic monarch, Namor, wants Sue for his very own. So, emotionally cold but genius husband, or kingly and powerful bad boy. Let’s take a vote. Come on, ladies!)

Reed raised his water glass to his lips to drink, but is interrupted by the sudden appearance of a sexy, redhead dressed in strange garb and toting an enormous gun! She tells him that she’s Dr. Evelyn Necker from the year 2020 and that to live, he must do exactly as she says! Before Richards can question her further, Minion enters the restaurant, tossing staff aside like rag dolls as it advances on his target! Minion fires! But Necker pulls Reed to the floor and returns fire! She connects, stunning the powerful construct momentarily! She then rises to her feet to fire a killing shot! But this opportunity is taken away from her as Mr. Fantastic pulls the rifle from her grasp! He demands she stop firing in such a confined place with civilians present and that they take this fight elsewhere. Begrudgingly, she complies. Minion continuse to open fire as they race out the door! (Well, Necker had Minion dead to rights, but Mr. Goody-two-shoes had to ruin it. And the award for dumbass of the year goes to……) Forcing a cabbie from his vehicle, they get in and race off! But the cyborg won’t be dismissed so easily. It leaps and drops in front of the cab! Richards hits the gas, hitting Minion full force! Seconds pass and Minion rises from the street with a slightly annoyed look.

As the vehicle races through New York traffic, the Minion cyborg follows, running at super velocity! Cracking the pavement beneath its powerful footfall, it nearly catches up! And all the while, it fires blast after blast at the fleeing duo! As Reed tries to out-maneuver the shots, he demands an explanation from Necker. She reveals that it’s out to murder him and then absorb his superior intellect. How does she know this? Because she programmed it! It’s already done so with over one hundred victims, but it’s been acting uncontrollable since killing and absorbing the mind of the robotic Death’s Head. Just then, Minion catches up to the cab! But before it can attack, Richards sideswipes it into a lamppost and it tumbles into a store window! Glass explodes everywhere! The now-damaged cab speeds away! (Damn! Maybe old Reed needs to be taught a lesson by Minion. I mean, look at the mess he’s creating! Move the fight away from innocent bystanders my ass! Superheroes. Am I right?) Back in A.I.M. headquarters in the year 2020, a young man named Spratt, a sometimes-sidekick to Death’s Head, walks through the advanced lab, seemingly undetected as an outsider. He wears the uniform of a lowly A.I.M agent as he pushes Death’s Head’s remains down an empty corridor. As he walks, he vows to bring his friend back, no matter the cost!

Meanwhile, at the Fantastic Four’s base of operations, the Thing passes by a television set and happens to see the news as a frantic reporter recounts the recent events involving Mr. Fantastic, an unknown redheaded woman, and a superpowered attacker! Shocked, the Thing readies himself for action! As this is going on, Sue has finally arrived at the restaurant only to see the carnage! She pleads with the waiter as to her husband’s whereabouts! The man replies nervously about the pretty woman and the robotic assailant. (Ooooooh! Reed’s gonna be in trouble! Hehehe! Sorry. That was very juvenile of me…..He’s gonna get it! Hehehe!) Back to the action! Necker retrieves her firearm only to see that it’s damaged beyond repair. So instead, she throws an explosive at the gaining cyborg to slow it down! But shrapnel hits the taxi’s back tires and gas tank! This sends it spinning as it smokes! Mr. Fantastic wraps his rubber arms around Dr. Necker and rolls from the vehicle just as it explodes! Hearing a gravely voice, both look up to see the Thing sitting upon a hovering vehicle close by! The Thing asks for an explanation. Reed tells the large, rocky behemoth that, in short, the cyborg wants him dead. That’s all that Ben Grimm needed to hear. The Thing slowly approaches the cyborg as it walks towards him, through the flames!

The Thing doesn’t get too close however as Minion blasts him with his cannon arm! The rocky superhero pulls himself back to his feet and takes the cannon in both of his gigantic hands! He then crushes the weapon! Unfazed by this, Minion forms a blade-arm from where the cannon once was! Sensing that this fight might take him longer than expected, Ben orders the other two to take his vehicle and flee. Unsure at first, they finally comply. (That’s right, Mr. Grimm. Maybe this’ll teach you to only refer to people by nicknames for like ever! I’m sorry. I just can’t stand the Thing. How hard is it to remember three other people’s names after all of this damn time I ask you? Sheesh!) The Thing hits the cyborg assassin with two good punches, actually drawing blood! But Minion merely picks up the titan and throws him backwards off of the bridge they’ve been standing on and onto a passing boat far, far below! Minion, now satisfied there will be no more interference, continues searching for it’s prey!

A short time later, back at Mr. Fantastic’s lab, Necker lays Minion’s origins out for the superhero in the hopes that the explanation will help in stopping the killing machine. That’s when it hits him. Yes, Minion was built to assassinate and absorb the skills of several hundred organic hosts, but Death’s Head was mechanical! And if Richards didn’t miss his guess, the Death’s Head personality was inside and fighting for dominance of the cyborg’s mind. This would cause increased hostility and confusion. (Umm. Yes. I surmised this myself. Cough. -Clears throat.- Actually, I had no idea. But I love the pretty colors.) Reed immediately begins work on a device meant to force the robotic bountyhunter’s consciousness into the driver’s seat permanently! Less than an hour passes. The Human Torch comes home from a night out on the city, but is instead met at the door by Minion! Before the Torch can fully power up, he’s knocked out with a strong backhand! Minion enters the Fantastic Four’s HQ with ease! But when it makes it’s way into the lab area, it’s met with an energy burst that stops the cyborg in its tracks! Slowly, after a couple of minutes, it rises again. Only this time, it’s speaking like Death’s Head! The invention was a complete success! Death’s Head walks towards a nearby console and downloads all known knowledge on, Reed Richards, eliminating the need to kill him! He then turns and says his farewells before teleporting away! An annoyed and shocked Dr. Evelyn Necker does the same soon after.

Elsewhere, Spratt awaits a visitor with knowledge that can hopefully help bring his friend back. The man enters the room, announcing himself as Baron Strucker the 5th! He then strikes at poor Spratt, knocking the young man flying. Strucker approaches the remains of Death’s Head’s corpse with delight. He examines it closely and exclaims that with it under his command, A.I.M will pay and his family’s name will be avenged!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Ghost in the Machine (part 1 of 4)

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Greetings, Legions of the Unspoken. Tis I, your loyal narrator, Symbifan. That’s right. I’m back. And boy oh boy, have I been through the emotional ringer since last we spoke. Whew! My father passed away, to state it bluntly. Now, I’m not going to say that the man and I were close, but damn it, we were trying after all these years. Sigh. Anyway, that’s my excuse for my long tardiness in writing this article. I’ve been in a kind of confused haze for way too long. Well, now I’m back and I’m ready to get back to my true passion. That’s right. I’m ready to continue my nude sculptures of Batman. Ha! Anyone that knows me knows that it’d be Superman I’d sculpt in the buff. Jeez! It’s fun to laugh again. Anyway, on to my look back at “Death’s Head II” #1 by Marvel Comics! (Also, if you haven’t heard the guys over at the Unspoken Issues give their expert opinions, I highly recommend you give them a listen! Here’s the link to their podcast on this very storyline: https://youtu.be/lEpAio_wSuM?si=k3xIP0YZlYVTCVc9!)

The robotic bountyhunter, Death’s Head, looked at his surroundings. He was now on a planet called Tyler’s World, within a supposedly impenetrable high-tech base. His target was a male by the name of of Tyler Wilson. Tyler had done well for himself, the hunter mused. This was his planet after all. (I’d get a planet named in tribute to me, but Ultra Sexy World was trademarked already. Damn you, Carrot Top! Always one step ahead of me.) Death’s Head spied a duo of highly armed mercenaries not far from his position. To his dismay, they put up little fight even when they noticed him bearing down on them. Way too easy. Or was it? Several more soldiers surrounded him, attacking fiercely! The robot used his hand-blade to send all of them to their makers and with little effort. Death’s Head did love his work. Three million credits to dispose of someone he wanted to kill anyway? A no-brainer. But as the bountyhunter entered the next room, he finally saw something he wasn’t prepared for. Tyler was strung up in a web of cables! Looming over him was a cyborg that’s tech put his own body to shame! Death’s Head called out for the cyborg to cease it’s attack. This was his prey. Ignoring him, it plunged blades from a weapon/arm into Tyler’s skull! It then stated aloud Tyler’s full name, the number one hundred and three, and that he was now assimilated! Ignoring this, Death’s Head demanded satisfaction for stealing his target! The cyborg looked to him and replied that he had other places to be, but he’d see the bountyhunter again soon. It then teleported away. Death’s Head handled the tracking device in his metallic hand. Sooner than the cyborg thought.

The cyborg arrived within an A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics) lab in the year 2020. His creator, a redheaded woman by the name of Dr. Evelyn Necker, asked for a status report from the creature. Called Minion, it answered with sarcasm that wasn’t part of her project’s original programming. She was annoyed by this but supposed it was inevitable as the cyborg absorbed parts of it’s targets’ personalities and skills that it found useful to itself. The lab technicians checked Minion out in every way possible, and it prepared to teleport away once again, eager for it’s next kill. Necker did manage to get the name “Death’s Head” from Minion before it disappeared. This mere mention of the robotic bountyhunter caused fear in the usually cold and indifferent doctor for some reason. Dr. Necker called for an emergency meeting of the A.I.M. board of directors immediately. She stated for all of those holographically assembled that she was concerned for the Minion project’s wellbeing as it was growing less and less controllable with every kill and that she required more funding to discover any bugs as this cyborg was created to ensure that A.I.M wasn’t somehow destroyed in the near future. It was to be their ultimate protector. Begrudgingly, the board agreed. (Man, she’s good. I could’ve used her to beg for a higher allowance from my ex-wife. Umm…..I mean…..never mind…..)

It was now the year 2456. The place was the Zeta Reticula quadrant. A rather large, barbarian-like being with a greenish, incectoid hide was demanding knowledge of his future from a bound, pink-skinned female creature! She refused and this was met with a fierce backhand from the monstrous creature! That’s when a robotic voice from behind the two answered for her. His future was to be murdered within minutes at the hands of the Minion cyborg! Minion leapt from his hiding place and attacked immediately! It caused an avalanche of rock with a blast from it’s cannon-arm and turned to the female. And then, it surprisingly freed her. To repay him, she hastily warned him that the alien barbarian wasn’t dead quite yet! And sure enough, he did crawl from underneath the rubble and spring at Minion! A backhand tore half of the flesh from the cyborg’s face and sent him reeling! (Always with the backhand! Anyone else think that this dude’s a space pimp in his spare time? ) But Minion wasn’t beat yet, growing a liquid metal spike in place of his cannon-arm, the cyborg first cut off the beast’s hand! He then followed by impaling him through the chest and then through the mouth! Minion stated that subject one hundred and four was now assimilated. But before he left this desolate scene, the female thanked him. Strangely enough though, she called him Death’s Head! Speaking of Death’s Head, he teleported in seconds later, narrowly missing all of this. But he had a lock on Minion now!

Minion arrived back in the year 2020 with Dr. Necker demanding to check his systems thoroughly. He declined. This angered the good A.I.M. scientist who attempted to order the cyborg into compliance. This verbal fight was interrupted however as Death’s Head crashed through the overhead window! He immediately fired a lazer rifle at Minion’s face as he roared in his hollow-sounding voice about his stolen bounty! As Minion slowly arose, he told the robot to not resist. Confounded, the bountyhunter asked if he was serious. Minion then leapt at him, saying that Death’s Head was in fact his next target! The two tumbled to the ground with a heavy thud! Minion tried to gut Death’s Head with his bladed arm, but the bountyhunter was too fast and used his own blade to impale the cyborg! But Minion did connect next, nearly tearing half of the robot’s head off in one powerful swipe! Minion approached from the rear as Death’s Head tried to recover. Too late. The rest of his head was cut cleanly from his metal neck! Minion wasted no time in absorbing the robot’s skills and traits. That’s when he started to overload! His circuits were on fire! And then, he suddenly stopped. Minion looked to Dr. Necker and told her he was now leaving for his next target. But he spoke as Death’s spoke now, using his expressions! He then teleported away, without another word! Necker turned to a nearby technician and demanded to know the identity of the next name on the cyborg’s hit list. The man replied that he had gone to 1992 to murder Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four! (Was anyone else reminded of Rock em’ Sock em’ Robots during the fight? To the exxxxtreme!)

To be continued…..

Dedicated to the memory of my father, Terry L. Miller. Thanks for buying me this storyline as a kid. It was worth mowing the lawn for after all. Goodbye, Dad.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 4 of 4)

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Feetal’s Gizz! We’re at the end of this miniseries already? Damn! Time sure flies when you’re writing about a sadistic, alien psychopath, huh? Yep. I remember my first experience with the Lobo character. My brother, SymbiEric, and I were opening up packs of DC Cosmic Cards in my mom’s car after eating out at our favorite restaurant, Giovanni’s Pizza. As we greedily looked through our now grease-covered, newly-acquired acquisitions, one of us came across the Main Man’s card. And after looking at that unique visage and reading the information on the back, I was totally hooked! Anyway, enough about me. It’s time once again for our “hero” to take center stage for the last time. Enjoy, Legions of the Unspoken!

Lobo was finding his vacation time on Revel-7 to be a tad on the boring side. Where was the action? Where was the depravity? Where were the scantily-clad women? Sigh. This was definitely not what the Main Man signed on for. Miss Tribb overhead him complaining and scoffed. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a destructive riot, some unprovoked murder, etc? Lobo grinned in response. He picked Tribb up under his arm and carried her over to a coat hook on the outside of the room’s closet door. He hung her there, suspended by her collar, and slammed the door to the room shut. He then went on his merry way in search of a communication device. (Man. Respect your elders, ‘Bo. At least iron her wrinkles out before hanging her up. Ha! Damn. This series is making me sick and twisted! I like it!)

At L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox paced frantically and slammed his gloved fist into his office wall. How could his plans have gone so awry? Now five parties bent upon Lobo’s demise were about to converge upon a renowned vacation planet and it was all his fault! As he mentally went over his options, a L.E.G.I.O.N. operative knocked on the door. It seemed as if Lobo had hacked the Revel-7’s communications network for the entire planet! Vril switched on his viewing screen. Lobo quickly came into view. He stated his feelings of boredom and announced that the denizens of this world had five hours to evacuate before he began the massacre! The screen went as blank a Vril’s facial expression. Utter chaos erupted on Revel-7 as an entire population tried to evacuate the planet at once! Lobo sat back and enjoyed the show he’d created! (That’s…..friggin’…..awesome! The dude’s a dark genius I tells ya! Oh to only be in my early twenties again and to party with the Main Man. But middle age is just as cool…..sniffle…..)

At that precise moment, the grannies and the truckers both entered the planet’s orbit. They quickly became aware of one another and watched carefully, ready to strike should they suddenly be provoked. Next, Lobo’s little biker fan club arrived on scene. Next were the space police! The truckers weren’t prepared for the sudden appearance of the law enforcement ship and they collided, killing everyone aboard both vessels! The large explosion annihilated the gang of bikers as well! (Well, that went slightly awry, didn’t it? Ooooh! Fireworks of death! Ahhhh!) While the Main Man’s enemies accidentally murdered one another, he stood, blissfully aware of all of this, singing bad karaoke on stage! Then Lobo was stricken with a crisis of conscience. Did he leave the old lady behind and party it up? Did he break his word for the first time in his life? He walked away from his room. He didn’t get far though before he roared some obscenities and returned for his ex-teacher.

The grannies arrived planetside and saw all of the obscene peep shows and porn shops littering the surface! They now had a new mission in life! They opened fire on the buildings! This barrage destroyed the incoming fleet of the dance/theatre company! As more and more of Lobo’s enemies fell from the skies, he admired their explosive deaths, oblivious to who they were or that they were here for him in the first place! (Men! Am I right, ladies? On the sadder side of things…..all of that alien pornography…..lost forever. Sob. Shudder.) The Main Man rocketed past the carnage upon his space-hawg with his complaining passenger in back. Soon after, Vril Dox shut the door to his office and nearly jumped out of his green skin as he heard a gruff voice from behind. Turning, he saw Lobo and his legless captive. When questioned about her missing limbs, he merely replied that women were always losing one thing or another.

Lobo handed over the older Czarnian woman. Vril was then forced to admit that Lobo had done a good job. She did arrive alive after all. Mission accomplished. Satisfied with this, Lobo then marched over to Miss Tribb, took her head in his powerful arms, and snapped her neck! Dox looked at Lobo in shock! Lobo spoke in passing that no-one ever said she had to live after delivery! He laughed maniacally as he left the office. Vril Dox attempted to rub away the instant pain emanating from his temples. (Note: Only one teacher was harmed during the writing of this particular series of articles. )

End.

P.S. The aforementioned trading card. (Oddly missing the Giovanni’s Pizza grease. Go figure.) Thanks for the trade, SymbiEric. Love ya!

The Gimmick Era Has Never Been Covered So Well.