Category Archives: DC Comics

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 1 of 4)

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Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. They are and have always been DC Comics’ Trinity. But in the 90’s, even they weren’t safe from drastic change it seemed. Batman was seemingly crippled for life by a powerful foe called Bane and put into a wheelchair. And Superman was thought to be beaten to death by a behemoth known only as Doomsday. The question on everyone’s mind was: Who’s next?! Wonder Woman was the next likely target. And what happened to the Princess of Themyscira you may ask? Our tale begins here…..

P.S. For more on Artemis, check out the “Unspoken Issues” podcast on the subject: https://youtu.be/eesKJgtqRZ0?si=ZxIcWaJzNHw0SemN! Enjoy!

As Wonder Woman stood on the shores of Paradise Island, an eerie silence surrounded her. She had fought, and fought hard to free her homeland from the hordes of the sorceress, Circe, but for what? Only to walk this beautiful landscape all alone? Where were the other Amazons? (And did they still offer free shipping along with a subscription to Prime?) As she pondered all of this, she suddenly caught a shimmer of light from behind her! Instinctively, she turned with her defensive bracelets at the ready! A single arrow shattered upon them at what would have been heart level! Examining the arrowhead quickly, she determined that it was of Amazonian design! But before Wonder Woman could think further on the subject, she heard several sets of footsteps approaching. She readied herself for further attacks! But the attacks never came. Instead, she was greeted by several Amazonian sisters, overjoyed to see their Princess returned to them! They rushed her playfully.

To say that the Princess of Themyscira was happy to see her sisters was an understatement. So pleased was she that she soon put the recent attack to the back of her mind. As she walked with the others, they told tale of a many-year war that was fought upon this very land against daemonic warriors! And though the Amazons had emerged victorious in the end, much of the beautiful architecture there had been ruined. Diana approached the throne room of her mother, Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons. She knelt out of respect. Her mother motioned for her to rise. Hippolyta wasted no time in stating that though only a short time had seemed to pass to her daughter, many years had passed here! And these years weren’t without incident either. Not only had the warrior women repelled a daemon invasion, they had been forced to battle another tribe of Amazons as well! (It’s rainin’ women! Hallelujah! It’s rainin’ women! Amen!) These were the daughters of Hippolyta’s own misguided sister, corrupted by the world of man and further changed by Circe’s false promises!

The war between the two tribes lasted for two bloody days until Circe’s master plan became evident. She appeared in the skies, cackling as she proclaimed her ultimate triumph over the immortal women of Paradise Island! The entire island shook and rumbled as it disappeared into another dimension! A dimension of darkness and daemons! Now, the two tribes of women were forced to put their petty differences aside and fight a common foe! For what seemed like an eternity, the two tribes fought as one against the evil creatures until finally, the battle was won. Queen Hippolyta’s Amazons rewarded the other tribe of women a part of Themyscira as their own, forgetting their short alliance with Circe. (Mighty nice to reward them with a tiny bit of land on the isle that’s their rightful home in the first place. Women! Am I right, fellas? Jeez!) The tale ended. But before Diana could say much in return, her mother admitted that this had all occurred during the span of a decade! Wonder Woman was beside herself with shock!

A small time passes as mother and daughter converse. Finally, the Queen asks how Diana’s mission to free women and children from their evil, male oppressors and stop violence has been going in the World of Man. (D’oh! Somebody’s gonna be a bit disappointed. Hey! I’m a man and I’m deeply offended by how absolutely correct the Queen’s beliefs are.) The Princess looks a bit embarrassed, but replies that the problem is harder to conquer than originally thought, though she has been working towards this goal with the best of her ability. Hippolyta’s answer to this is to go silent and look down. Moments pass before she replies. So, essentially nothing has been accomplished? Her time amongst the men has been an absolute waste. An excuse to go adventuring and nothing more. She then finishes her thought by stating how deeply disappointed she is in Diana.

Little more is said before Diana leaves the throne room. She wanders the beautiful isle of Themyscira a bit by herself, deep in thought. She even watches a pottery class to try and calm her nerves. It accomplishes little in that regard. When the class is ended, she walks with an old friend of hers and chats about her thoughts. But this is soon interrupted as an arrow suddenly hits a tree between the two Amazons! Now angry at these unprovoked attacks, Wonder Woman enters the forest to find her attacker. She discovers a small group of unknown Amazonian warriors. The one in the middle has ankle-length red hair and carries a bow. The red-head demands to know why Diana is in these woods. It is typical of Hippolyta’s warriors to wander off and go where they please it seems. Diana ignores this insult and states that she doesn’t like being used as target practice. The red-headed Amazon merely looks amused at this. (Look at that red-head’s legs…..sorry. I’m into the story. I am! Legs…..) Wonder Woman continues that this behavior is an outrage since her mother has shown them such charity after their betrayal! The red-head looks enraged at this!

She roars back that they were forced to ally themselves with Circe to regain the birthright of their immortality and then were forced into a war alongside their hated enemy to fight daemons for ten years. And when that was over? They were “gifted” a small, inhospitable part of the island for doing most of the fighting. One of the other Amazons calls the red-head Artemis as she comments that perhaps the Princess would like to join their archery contest? Now angry, Diana takes a bow and fires at the target quickly. As expected, a perfect bullseye. But then her arrow is split in half by a second arrow! Shocked, Diana turns to see the smirk on this Artemis’ face as she lowers her own bow. Just then, one of the Princess’ friends bursts through the brush with a frantic look on her face! She looks to Diana as she says that the Queen has called for a second Contest. She wants to choose a new Wonder Woman! (Oh! Snap!)

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 4 of 4)

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Feetal’s Gizz! We’re at the end of this miniseries already? Damn! Time sure flies when you’re writing about a sadistic, alien psychopath, huh? Yep. I remember my first experience with the Lobo character. My brother, SymbiEric, and I were opening up packs of DC Cosmic Cards in my mom’s car after eating out at our favorite restaurant, Giovanni’s Pizza. As we greedily looked through our now grease-covered, newly-acquired acquisitions, one of us came across the Main Man’s card. And after looking at that unique visage and reading the information on the back, I was totally hooked! Anyway, enough about me. It’s time once again for our “hero” to take center stage for the last time. Enjoy, Legions of the Unspoken!

Lobo was finding his vacation time on Revel-7 to be a tad on the boring side. Where was the action? Where was the depravity? Where were the scantily-clad women? Sigh. This was definitely not what the Main Man signed on for. Miss Tribb overhead him complaining and scoffed. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a destructive riot, some unprovoked murder, etc? Lobo grinned in response. He picked Tribb up under his arm and carried her over to a coat hook on the outside of the room’s closet door. He hung her there, suspended by her collar, and slammed the door to the room shut. He then went on his merry way in search of a communication device. (Man. Respect your elders, ‘Bo. At least iron her wrinkles out before hanging her up. Ha! Damn. This series is making me sick and twisted! I like it!)

At L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox paced frantically and slammed his gloved fist into his office wall. How could his plans have gone so awry? Now five parties bent upon Lobo’s demise were about to converge upon a renowned vacation planet and it was all his fault! As he mentally went over his options, a L.E.G.I.O.N. operative knocked on the door. It seemed as if Lobo had hacked the Revel-7’s communications network for the entire planet! Vril switched on his viewing screen. Lobo quickly came into view. He stated his feelings of boredom and announced that the denizens of this world had five hours to evacuate before he began the massacre! The screen went as blank a Vril’s facial expression. Utter chaos erupted on Revel-7 as an entire population tried to evacuate the planet at once! Lobo sat back and enjoyed the show he’d created! (That’s…..friggin’…..awesome! The dude’s a dark genius I tells ya! Oh to only be in my early twenties again and to party with the Main Man. But middle age is just as cool…..sniffle…..)

At that precise moment, the grannies and the truckers both entered the planet’s orbit. They quickly became aware of one another and watched carefully, ready to strike should they suddenly be provoked. Next, Lobo’s little biker fan club arrived on scene. Next were the space police! The truckers weren’t prepared for the sudden appearance of the law enforcement ship and they collided, killing everyone aboard both vessels! The large explosion annihilated the gang of bikers as well! (Well, that went slightly awry, didn’t it? Ooooh! Fireworks of death! Ahhhh!) While the Main Man’s enemies accidentally murdered one another, he stood, blissfully aware of all of this, singing bad karaoke on stage! Then Lobo was stricken with a crisis of conscience. Did he leave the old lady behind and party it up? Did he break his word for the first time in his life? He walked away from his room. He didn’t get far though before he roared some obscenities and returned for his ex-teacher.

The grannies arrived planetside and saw all of the obscene peep shows and porn shops littering the surface! They now had a new mission in life! They opened fire on the buildings! This barrage destroyed the incoming fleet of the dance/theatre company! As more and more of Lobo’s enemies fell from the skies, he admired their explosive deaths, oblivious to who they were or that they were here for him in the first place! (Men! Am I right, ladies? On the sadder side of things…..all of that alien pornography…..lost forever. Sob. Shudder.) The Main Man rocketed past the carnage upon his space-hawg with his complaining passenger in back. Soon after, Vril Dox shut the door to his office and nearly jumped out of his green skin as he heard a gruff voice from behind. Turning, he saw Lobo and his legless captive. When questioned about her missing limbs, he merely replied that women were always losing one thing or another.

Lobo handed over the older Czarnian woman. Vril was then forced to admit that Lobo had done a good job. She did arrive alive after all. Mission accomplished. Satisfied with this, Lobo then marched over to Miss Tribb, took her head in his powerful arms, and snapped her neck! Dox looked at Lobo in shock! Lobo spoke in passing that no-one ever said she had to live after delivery! He laughed maniacally as he left the office. Vril Dox attempted to rub away the instant pain emanating from his temples. (Note: Only one teacher was harmed during the writing of this particular series of articles. )

End.

P.S. The aforementioned trading card. (Oddly missing the Giovanni’s Pizza grease. Go figure.) Thanks for the trade, SymbiEric. Love ya!

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag It! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 3 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! Wow! Are we really almost done with this miniseries? That didn’t take long. I mean, I took forever to write about it, but it’s still almost done. So, what’re your thoughts on this limited series? Leave a comment so I feel all warm and special in my inside-y parts. And now, back to the story…..

To say Vril Dox was angry was an understatement! He had cleverly sent Lobo after the one person that he’d want to murder most in the galaxy, thus stoking his rage so he’d not only murder rivals of Vril’s like the police chief, but take out others of the criminal element like those Lobo-loving bikers. It was all too perfect. If he was lucky, all converging parties as well as Lobo himself would all perish. But no! Now Lobo had to turn up missing! Vril Dox wanted answers! Where in the known galaxy was the Main Man? (Brilliant scheme, but I wouldn’t poke the bear like this. Being on Lobo’s bad side is like calling out a woman on her memory. A death sentence!) Just then, the interested parties began to arrive in an asteroid field. And still, no Lobo!

Elsewhere, Lobo shakes the cobwebs from his head as he struggles to rise to his feet. Looking over, he sees the now-legless Miss Tribb in the corner of this strange room. He holds his pained head as he complains about her not warning him of this obviously hostile spacecraft. Now they had been gassed and imprisoned. This of course started a verbal battle of words that caused the duo to be gassed once again! As Lobo and Tribb lost consciousness this time, cloaked men spoke to one another. “Bee” would know what to do with their prisoners. When they both awoke once again, they found themselves on a stage! There was a sign that read “14th. Annual Orothography Commandos’ Spelling Bee”. Only cloaked monks sat in the audience. One announced it was time for the bee to begin! (Even I’m at a loss for words here…..)

But before the spelling bee could officially start, an elder monk explained to the prisoners on stage that it was their holy mission to bring correct grammar and literacy to the universe. The rules were simple: 1. Spell or die. 2. Spell correctly for your freedom. 3. No gum chewing. 4. All judge’s decisions are final. 5. And no sudden outbursts. (Well, I can definitely see killing someone over obnoxious gum chewing. Some people are annoying as hell as they smack their lips. Grrr! Pass me my meds, Mrs. Symbifan. Ahhhh! Thanks.) The competition begins. As the others spell their given words, they’re executed mercilessly for small mistakes! Lobo does great as he’s given words like “genocide” or “mutilation”. Miss Tribb of course spells her words flawlessly. This goes on until only Lobo, Tribb, and one other being are left! Sensing trouble, Lobo blows in the other alien’s oversized ear! He cries out in alarm! This means death due to sudden outburst! All that remain now are the two Czarnians. Teacher and delinquent pupil.

But the Main Man wasn’t going down without a fight. He proclaimed to the druids that this competition wasn’t fair as his opponent was once a teacher. Outraged at this, Miss Tribb retorted that yes, she was once a teacher. A teacher that he had recently mangled. The next thing he knew, Lobo awoke, suspended in chains, for the crime of harming one who would teach others! Tribb smiled gleefully! (I don’t know. I could think of some teachers from my past that deserve the chain treatment instead! Monsters!) But Lobo had had enough. As the cloaked men took aim, he broke through his chains and paid them all back in spades! He left no-one alive when all was said and done! This was almost a blessing judging by the way that they were mangled!

After Lobo and his disgruntled passenger were free and at a safe spaceport, the Main Man called Vril Dox to check in. He told his boss that they would be late as he was going to Revel-7 for some much-needed rest and relaxation. He then hung up, leaving Vril to wonder where he’d heard of that sector. Suddenly it hit him. Lobo had just given his whereabouts over an unsecured line. Not only that, but Revel-7 was a vacation planet! And when all of Lobo’s enemies arrived after hearing the news, it’d be nothing more than a planet-sized graveyard! Vril groaned. Meanwhile, on Revel-7, Miss Tribb complained like usual, but Lobo just told her to shut it for once and enjoy her Mai Tai! (I’ll take a Shirley Temple. Shaken, not stirred.)

To be concluded…..