Category Archives: 90s DC

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 1 of 4)

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That’s right, Legions of the Unspoken! We’re a 90’s site about comic books, so you knew that some day, the Main Man himself was gonna find his way here! That time is now! You know, as I sat and pondered a way to reminisce and recount my first dealings with this character, a thought entered my head. Maybe I should be more like Lobo and leap straight into the action, skipping all of the sappy crap. (Anyway, if he knew how long it took me to get to him, I’d be a very deceased Symbifan! Gulp!) So, without further ado…..

Lobo sat outside, complaining out loud to himself as much as to the space dolphins as they swam past peacefully amongst the stars. He was extremely angry about something. He cursed as he threw a book down on the ground in disgust. It read: “The Unauthorized Biography of Lobo” on the cover. He vowed that whoever wrote this piece of filth would suffer a long, agonizing death. That’s when his communication screen hummed to life inside the complex and rang obnoxiously. Who could be calling him? Cursing, he stomped inside with a growl. He answered and Vril Dox, commander and chief of L.E.G.I.O.N., a type of intergalactic peacekeeping agency, came into focus. There were no kind words between the two men. Mostly because Vril Dox had the unique ability to order Lobo around. For now that is. Lobo wasted no time in demanding to know why his personal time was being interrupted. Vril replied that he had a mission for the last Czarnian. A prisoner needed transported immediately. Lobo was not impressed. (Damn! And I thought I had temper problems! The Main Man has me beat all to hell! Now if I just had his muscles too. Sigh. God, I’m out of shape. Old too…..sob…..The life of a nerd is sad one. But you should see my collection! Sob……)

Later, the Main Man cruised throughout deepest space on his space hog, on his way to retrieve the prisoner in question. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox sat at his desk as Lady Quark scolded the green man for sending Lobo of all people on this mission. He didn’t look the least bit unnerved. In fact, he looked amused about the identity of the prisoner. She was an excellent writer after all. He smiled as he patted his copy of the unauthorized biography. (Damn! Vril’s asking for it here! Me thinks that the little green man wants an epic spanking! Hell, he’s begging for it! Pervert.) Meanwhile, Lobo had arrived for prisoner transfer at Oneida VI. As he walked, he was threatened time and time again by the guard to not step out of line while visiting. The last Czarnian put up with the robotic little man with little to say in his defense. But as the elevator doors opened, the guard fell out, piece by piece! Lobo smiled to himself as he walked onward towards the cells.

Elsewhere, it was total anarchy in a bookstore on Blake-7 as a demented gang, the Lobos, had felt it their sworn duty to destroy any place foolish enough to sell books spouting lies about their hero, Lobo, and end the lives of anyone stupid enough to work in such places! The gangs leader, a nasty piece if work called Sickbag, decreed that when they were done in this present establishment, they would hunt out this so-called writer and put an end to her too! The others cheered in agreement. They later flew out of the bookstore on Blake-7 as it exploded! (Would that classify as a book burning? Ha! I apologize for the total “dad-ness” of that last joke.) Back on Oneida, Lobo stared in absolute horror as the identity of his would be passenger was at last known to him! The female guard looked perplexed. She asked if Lobo knew this older woman. He replied that she was his fourth grade teacher from Czarnia, Miss. Tribb! Oh horror of horrors! But how? He’d made sure to murder everyone on his home planet! Only one as truly evil as she could survive that massacre it seemed!

Lobo immediately called Vril Dox. He was outraged that the man obviously knew that she was his passenger and put him on the job to make him suffer. Vril simply replied to remember that she was to make it to her destination alive. He then added with a smirk that he thought that she was more than fair with the estimation of Lobo in her book. Lobo was beside himself with rage! He had no idea that she was the author he wanted dead as well! But before he could properly formulate the correct string of curse words, Vril casually hung up! Lobo beat his head on the nearby counter over and over. While on R’a’gan’s World, a planet for the elderly to spend their last days in peace, Miss. Tribb’s picture was shown on the local news with talk about her bestselling book. A table surrounded by kind-looking older ladies looked up in alarm. So she was the one who wrote that filth? Time to plan a day trip and break out the heavy artillery! (Even a psychotic gang of old ladies is getting mixed up in this madness now! Who else thinks the elderly woman above looks kinda cute? Not like that! I meant cute like a puppy! You guys are gross! Although…..rawr!)

As Miss Tribb uncomfortably sat on the back of Lobo’s space hog, she complained like it was going out of style. So much so that the Main Man almost drew blood as he literally bit his lip in rage. Later, the two stopped at an interstellar truck stop to eat and so Lobo could relieve himself. As he did so, he left the old woman at a filthy table. As she sat, she listened into the conversations around her. Two thugs caught her attention as one used the word “ain’t”. Tribb made a disgusted noise, calling attention to herself. The two turned and asked what her problem was. It’s then that she roared how “ain’t” isn’t a word! She then followed the remark by criticizing their mothers! When Lobo returned from the restroom, there was a line waiting to beat on the cocky, old Czarnian woman! Lobo grinned. (Uh-oh! It’s disturbing when a person that’s that homicidal grins! Trust me, I was once married!) Lobo thanked the closest goon for giving him a reason to unleash all of his pent-up rage on anyone!

And boy, did he unleash hell on these tough guys! You almost actually felt sorry for them! As Lobo beat them all senseless, Miss Tribb voiced her disgust at his unbecoming behavior. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, the behemoth called Strata sought out Vril Dox. Locating him, he frantically explained Lobo’s recent actions at the faraway truck stop and asked their next step. Vril merely smiled as he replied that no-one was to interfere. Internally, he thought to himself how things were going exactly as planned. At that moment, Tribb backseat drove throughout the deepest of space. Lobo gritted his teeth until he finally let loose a blood-curdling cry!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Bird of Prey Reborn

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Sometimes the cover actually does make the book. Or at least it grabs your attention enough to read it. That’s pretty much the way it was in 1993 for me and the Hawkman poster above. It had been plastered to my local comic shop’s window for almost a month, and the owner was getting tired of me asking when the comic would finally be released. Now, I’d been reading older comics about Hawkman for nearly a year or so at this time, so I was interested in the upcoming title anyway. But this image was the frosting on a cake I was already going to devour. (And I’m diabetic, so you know I’m deadly serious! ) Anyway, it finally came out and the comic store owner even gave me the poster when I bought my copy. Over time, I’ve fallen in and out of interest with the character like most fans. But this issue will always be special to me because of the memories it brings back. That’s what a good book should always do in my opinion. That said, on to my look back at “Hawkman” #1…..

He perched atop a tall, decrepit building. To those passerbys lost in their own thoughts, he would appear as nothing more than a strange gargoyle. But to those who peered closer, they would see that this “gargoyle” peered back! He called to the creatures of the Earth for their aid this night. Their spirits would strengthen him. But mostly, he called to the predators. For that was what he was searching for tonight in these dangerous city streets…..prey. It didn’t take long to find what he was hunting for. He saw the gunman before he heard the gunshots. The man stood upon a nearby rooftop. He had hostages and fired blindly at a police helicopter. Not far from this hectic scene, a different man and his female companion were about to be attacked by murderous muggers in a dark alleyway. It was time. Unfurling his large, metallic wings, he shot up into the air at an incredible speed. He thanked the animals of the world for their power. But mostly, he thanked the spirit of the hawk. (And I thank the Titmouse for hours of hysterical laughter at the mere mention of his name. Yeah. I’m extremely immature. Surprised?)

The man with the gun demanded that the police bring him his child and his wife. He blamed the city for taking away his son and for his wife leaving him as a result. If they didn’t comply, he would begin killing his hostages! On the ground, the Police Superintendent asked to be briefed on the situation. An officer replied that the man had nearly beaten his son to death and that social services had stepped in and taken the boy and his wife into protective custody. Even if they weren’t terrified, they’d never make it here before he grew impatient and began executing the hostages. To make matters worse, the entrance to the rooftop had been blocked. The crazed man began to count to ten. But before he could get to nine, he was yanked into the air by powerful arms and deposited into police custody below! The police cheered but Hawkman had no time for this. He soared onto the next impending crime. (I’m still in awe at just how badass Hawkman looks! Forgive me as my nerdy self drools!)

The woman pleaded that they had already given the thugs everything they had, couldn’t they just let them go? In reply, a knife was drawn by one thief as another held the male victim still! It seemed that these criminals didn’t want the couple in their neighborhood because of the dark color of their skin. They were going to make an example out of them! Hawkman flew in and connected with a fist to the knife-weilder’s jaw! The other man pulled a gun and fired frantically at the dark hero! Hawkman used his metal wings to deflect the shots! He then threw a well-aimed shuriken into the gunman’s hand, forcing him to release the woman and his grip on the firearm! Hawkman then followed up this attack by knocking the blade-armed mugger unconscious as he snuck up from the rear with a nunchuck to the face! The gunman then pulled a knife of his own and came running at the winged vigilante! This attack was easily blocked by three long blades that slid from Hawkman’s gauntlet! (Holy God! He’s half Wolverine! Can this guy get any cooler?!)

The winged avenger then used his claws to knock the weapon aside and followed up by pinning the criminal by his earring to the wall with one of the claws! He waited as fear flowed through the racist thug. And just as it seemed the man would faint, the hero used his free hand to strike a blow to the other man’s temple, rendering him unconscious. (Okay, forget the Punisher! This is your new brutal antihero! As a man with two earrings, I nearly wet myself just reading this part! Let alone if it had happened to me personally!) The couple thanked him profusely as he took flight once again. The news was buzzing that night. Was this Hawkman the original, Golden Age hero by the same name, or perhaps the alien Hawkman that came to Earth in modern times from the planet Thanagar? Was this hero perhaps a new man altogether? To find out, a reporter was sent live to the last place the Thanagarian hero was seen, the strange place called the Netherworld. Only moments passed before the signal was lost, leaving the reporter alone with this place’s odd residents and fearful for his life!

The denizens of Netherworld were less than helpful. These often misunderstood creatures were different to say the least. They didn’t fit in with ordinary-looking human beings, so they took refuge here for safety and for a place to belong. They distrusted the outside world and feared it. When one of the beings that lived here, a cat-like female named Feralyce, heard the name Hawkman spoken aloud, she became instantly agitated and lept to enter the “real world” to locate him. Another resident stopped her, and tried to talk some sense into the feline young woman. After all, unless the people of Netherworld wore spandex and operated as either superheroes or villains, they were not accepted. Searching for this new Hawkman would put not only her in danger, but everyone here. (Sounds like entering the outside world directly from a comic convention.) Feralyce roared that the Hawkman she knew had saved her life and then vanished. If this was him, she must go to him. She must know the truth. She is eventually stopped however and another resident looked to the frightened reporter.

The man begins questioning the reporter as to why he came there, but his answer is interrupted by a sudden explosion! An armored man, floating upon discs and armed with high-tech weaponry, then flew into the Netherworld, opening fire upon everyone there without a care for who he killed! The people had heard of him. He was called Deadline and operated as a superpowered hitman! But who would want the people here dead bad enough to hire him? Seeing his chance, the reporter saw that his signal was back and began reporting the carnage! (Trust a reporter to really care about their fellow human beings. I mean, look at Lois Lane. Witch. Clark should be with Lana Lang!) As this terrible scene is broadcasted throughout the city, a local busboy takes particular notice as he cleans the tables at a popular diner. He immediately stops his work and sprints off as his boss threatens him with losing this low-paying job. The man then burst through the diner’s alleyway door and lept into the air! He landed atop a nearby roof and kept running! He finally came to a halt as he reached an abandoned church. He entered the darkness and was met by a growl from a wolf in the shadows! The man calmed the beast and pulled a set of armor from between the destroyed pews. Within moments, the new Hawkman stood in his place!

Back at Netherworld, Deadline continues his vicious assault! He stops momentarily to state that he personally doesn’t care one bit who lives or dies there tonight. He was paid well to remove them from the area one way or another. But before he can continue his speech, Feralyce springs from a rooftop, claws at the ready! But the hitman teleports away, leaving her to drop to the unforgiving concrete below! (I guess that disproves the whole myth about landing on their feet, huh? More like the neck. Too soon?) He aims, ready to end her life. Just then, Deadline feels a disturbance in the air behind his head! He turns to look, but seemingly too late. Hawkman strikes! However, the hitman is still faster and becomes intangible right before he teleports away from the punch! Deadline reappears and looks to the winged avenger. He admits that he was actually sent to this place tonight for him! Hawkman merely replies that he knows. The hero strikes with a quick swing of his nunchuck, smashing the barrel of the assassin’s rifle! Deadline doesn’t look pleased. He continues that his employer wants to know this new Hawkman’s identity bad enough to pay for news of it whether he lives or dies in the process!

The villain’s next attack was to fire exploding projectiles at Hawkman. And while the hero blocked with his wings so that they’d explode with his body safe within their metallic embrace, Deadline approached with a long knife to behead the winged one as he was stunned! Not so fast! Hawkman let out his three metal claws from his gauntlet at lightning speed and blocked the blade before a drop of blood could be spilled! (SNIKT! Sorry. I think I’ll read some Wolverine comics next. Why? I have my reasons.) He followed with a well-aimed kick, but Deadline laughed as he became intangible once again! But this time it was expected! Before the assassin could completely disappear, Hawkman swung his nunchuck not at the villain, but at the discs he hovered upon! The hovering devices caved inwards and Deadline came tumbling down toward the street! Now unable to concentrate enough to teleport away once again, the hero grabbed Deadline by his armor and rammed him into a nearby brick wall with tremendous force! Pinning the hitman, Hawkman began to speak through gritted teeth.

He spat out the words with malice that he was hunting those who feared the Hawkman name. The best way to call these men out was to become Hawkman. He then demanded to know the killer’s employer’s name. Deadline declined in terror. Hawkman threatened to drop him down to the enraged people of Netherworld below if he didn’t talk! Needless to say, he answered with the name, Johnny Van Overloop. (Dorky name for a villain, but what do I know? I’ve only forced others to watch that “Madame Web” movie with me on repeat. That’s right! I’m sick, man!) Hawkman struck the villain’s skull, knocking him out and carried him away with swift, razor-sharp wings. As he flew overhead, the denizens of the city below demanded to know which Hawkman he was. He simply replied that he was the current one. And then, just like that, he was gone. The man who asked the question turned to the awakening Feralyce as she sniffed the air. Surely her heightened sense of smell could answer what the winged vigilante would not. She replied with a grin that he was exactly who he said he was. He was Hawkman. That was all that they needed to know.

End.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Behold the Blazing Angel (part 4 of 4)

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Well, here we are! The finale of my look back at the “Batman: Sword of Azrael” miniseries is here at last! And just in time for Thanksgiving too. So, when you’re stressed out from trying to get along with relatives you’ve hardly met (And some you wish you hadn’t met period!) this holiday season, why not grab yourself a turkey leg, sit back, and read my entertaining article? I’ll be back with another bit of my writing to save you Unspokenites from the horrors of Christmas next. Promise.

Armed men with savage guard dogs approached Azrael with violence in their eyes! They order the Avenging Angel to freeze as they run up to him. He does not. When the first man’s dog gets close enough, it’s quickly beheaded by the blazing blade from Azrael’s gauntlet! His owner runs to the animal’s corpse, but is stabbed by the same weapon through the chest! Alfred leaves the safety of the vehicle, pleading that this bloody violence is not needed. Nomoz verbally disagrees, in obvious appreciation of the grisly scene. Five more thugs and another guard dog encircle Azrael. Just as they close in, Azrael fires the firey blade as a projectile at one man, skewers him through the chest and into a tree! The rest are slain just as brutally and efficiently. They were hardly a threat at all to the new avenger for the Order of Saint Dumas. (For those of you saddened by the murder of the puppy, keep in mind that even Batman is a “cat person”. I mean, look at his love life. Ha! Little Catwoman joke there.) Azrael suddenly spies movement inside the mansion’s nearby greenhouse.

Garbed in Batman’s costume, LeHah stands over the body of the owner of this expensive estate. There is zero doubt in Azrael’s mind that this killer is not Bruce Wayne as he crashes through the greenhouse glass, weapons at the ready! (Could it possibly be the rather enormous bat-gut that’s protruding from under the infamous vigilante’s costume? Just a thought.) He pauses to look over the body but it’s a moment too long as LeHah attempts an escape! He leaps into a running car and speeds off! Nomoz roars that their prey is getting away! Azrael runs and leaps atop the racing vehicle, but is eventually thrown off due to a combination of LeHah’s erratic driving along with the positioning of an unseen tree branch. The murderer escapes this time. Later, as the young man’s injuries are bound, Alfred asks why he killed those men. Azrael answers that once the mask was in place, he became another person entirely. Nomoz chooses this moment to chastise the youth for letting his prey escape with his wretched life. The argument is halted, however, when Azrael suggests that this matter should be explored at a later time and that now is the time to find and rescue Bruce Wayne. The trio agrees. upon this at least.

After a bit of deduction and detective work, Azrael concludes that LeHah must be holding Bruce within his own oil refinery in Texas. Alfred agrees. A short time later, inside the aforementioned building, LeHah does in fact taunt a restrained and unmasked Dark Knight. Bruce finally speaks out about the madman wearing his costume. Wouldn’t his demon lord, Biis, be jealous that LeHah new wears the mantle of another man? A man that serves an even darker and more powerful demon? This ploy does seem to get to LeHah. Bruce has gotten inside this monster’s head it seems. LeHah turns with a heated knife! He will torture Wayne to death to honor his demonic master! This will atone for his act of disrespect. (Well, when you play with fire, there’s a chance you’re gonna get burned. I tried the same exact scheme with my dentist. I ended up with a root canal anyway. Sadistic bastard.) But, all is not lost. Azrael and his two companions are there. But before Azrael can don his mask, Alfred pleads that this dark avenger find another way to stop LeHah that doesn’t involve more killing. The young man says very little in reply. But before rushing into battle, Alfred asks the youth his true name. After a pause, he admits that he can’t remember.

After Azrael slices through a chain-link fence like melted butter, the trio approaches extremely thick metal doors that lead inside. Even Azrael’s heated blades would do little damage to them. Alfred examines the doors more thoroughly and determines that a power failure would be their only hope of entrance. Inside, the maniacal LeHah grins as he walks slowly towards the captive Bruce Wayne, weapon in hand! He then charges! But even an injured Batman is way too quick for this clumsy attack and brings both of his legs up into a mighty kick into the villain’s solar plexus! This not only knocks the wind out of him, but sends the blade flying just out of reach! Just then, as if Saint Dumas himself has intervened from beyond the grave, lightning strikes, creating a complete power outage through the large building! LeHah scrambles for his knife! He finds it and lunges! But Wayne kicks it out of his hand and now way too far out of reach in the pure darkness to be a threat anymore! But LeHah won’t surrender just yet! He pulls a handgun and aims it to Bruce’s temple! (Is anyone else biting their fingernails at this part? I know I am! Hell, I’m biting my toenails too! Come on, Azrael!)

The Avenging Angel them makes his presence known with a firey entrance! LeHah exclaims that he’s killed Azrael before, he can do so again! He fires at the anti-hero, but his bullets merely ricochet off of Azrael’s armor, hitting the pipes that are filled with highly flammable oil instead! The explosions are immediate! Flames engulf the factory! Azrael walks past the injured villain, instead rescuing a barely standing Bruce Wayne! Batman uses the last of his strength to tell Azrael that his costume is fireproof before passing out. Azrael takes the hint and wraps Bruce inside of his own cape before he, Nomoz and Alfred barely escape the inferno with their lives! Outside, Nomoz once again roars his disappointment at the Avenging Angel. Azrael removes his mask as he looks off in the distance. He replies that he is no angel. He is a man. And his name is Jean-Paul Valley.

End.