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Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 4 of 4)

Feetal’s Gizz! We’re at the end of this miniseries already? Damn! Time sure flies when you’re writing about a sadistic, alien psychopath, huh? Yep. I remember my first experience with the Lobo character. My brother, SymbiEric, and I were opening up packs of DC Cosmic Cards in my mom’s car after eating out at our favorite restaurant, Giovanni’s Pizza. As we greedily looked through our now grease-covered, newly-acquired acquisitions, one of us came across the Main Man’s card. And after looking at that unique visage and reading the information on the back, I was totally hooked! Anyway, enough about me. It’s time once again for our “hero” to take center stage for the last time. Enjoy, Legions of the Unspoken!

Lobo was finding his vacation time on Revel-7 to be a tad on the boring side. Where was the action? Where was the depravity? Where were the scantily-clad women? Sigh. This was definitely not what the Main Man signed on for. Miss Tribb overhead him complaining and scoffed. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a destructive riot, some unprovoked murder, etc? Lobo grinned in response. He picked Tribb up under his arm and carried her over to a coat hook on the outside of the room’s closet door. He hung her there, suspended by her collar, and slammed the door to the room shut. He then went on his merry way in search of a communication device. (Man. Respect your elders, ‘Bo. At least iron her wrinkles out before hanging her up. Ha! Damn. This series is making me sick and twisted! I like it!)

At L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox paced frantically and slammed his gloved fist into his office wall. How could his plans have gone so awry? Now five parties bent upon Lobo’s demise were about to converge upon a renowned vacation planet and it was all his fault! As he mentally went over his options, a L.E.G.I.O.N. operative knocked on the door. It seemed as if Lobo had hacked the Revel-7’s communications network for the entire planet! Vril switched on his viewing screen. Lobo quickly came into view. He stated his feelings of boredom and announced that the denizens of this world had five hours to evacuate before he began the massacre! The screen went as blank a Vril’s facial expression. Utter chaos erupted on Revel-7 as an entire population tried to evacuate the planet at once! Lobo sat back and enjoyed the show he’d created! (That’s…..friggin’…..awesome! The dude’s a dark genius I tells ya! Oh to only be in my early twenties again and to party with the Main Man. But middle age is just as cool…..sniffle…..)

At that precise moment, the grannies and the truckers both entered the planet’s orbit. They quickly became aware of one another and watched carefully, ready to strike should they suddenly be provoked. Next, Lobo’s little biker fan club arrived on scene. Next were the space police! The truckers weren’t prepared for the sudden appearance of the law enforcement ship and they collided, killing everyone aboard both vessels! The large explosion annihilated the gang of bikers as well! (Well, that went slightly awry, didn’t it? Ooooh! Fireworks of death! Ahhhh!) While the Main Man’s enemies accidentally murdered one another, he stood, blissfully aware of all of this, singing bad karaoke on stage! Then Lobo was stricken with a crisis of conscience. Did he leave the old lady behind and party it up? Did he break his word for the first time in his life? He walked away from his room. He didn’t get far though before he roared some obscenities and returned for his ex-teacher.

The grannies arrived planetside and saw all of the obscene peep shows and porn shops littering the surface! They now had a new mission in life! They opened fire on the buildings! This barrage destroyed the incoming fleet of the dance/theatre company! As more and more of Lobo’s enemies fell from the skies, he admired their explosive deaths, oblivious to who they were or that they were here for him in the first place! (Men! Am I right, ladies? On the sadder side of things…..all of that alien pornography…..lost forever. Sob. Shudder.) The Main Man rocketed past the carnage upon his space-hawg with his complaining passenger in back. Soon after, Vril Dox shut the door to his office and nearly jumped out of his green skin as he heard a gruff voice from behind. Turning, he saw Lobo and his legless captive. When questioned about her missing limbs, he merely replied that women were always losing one thing or another.

Lobo handed over the older Czarnian woman. Vril was then forced to admit that Lobo had done a good job. She did arrive alive after all. Mission accomplished. Satisfied with this, Lobo then marched over to Miss Tribb, took her head in his powerful arms, and snapped her neck! Dox looked at Lobo in shock! Lobo spoke in passing that no-one ever said she had to live after delivery! He laughed maniacally as he left the office. Vril Dox attempted to rub away the instant pain emanating from his temples. (Note: Only one teacher was harmed during the writing of this particular series of articles. )

End.

P.S. The aforementioned trading card. (Oddly missing the Giovanni’s Pizza grease. Go figure.) Thanks for the trade, SymbiEric. Love ya!

Frag It! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 3 of 4)

Welcome back, Unspokenites! Wow! Are we really almost done with this miniseries? That didn’t take long. I mean, I took forever to write about it, but it’s still almost done. So, what’re your thoughts on this limited series? Leave a comment so I feel all warm and special in my inside-y parts. And now, back to the story…..

To say Vril Dox was angry was an understatement! He had cleverly sent Lobo after the one person that he’d want to murder most in the galaxy, thus stoking his rage so he’d not only murder rivals of Vril’s like the police chief, but take out others of the criminal element like those Lobo-loving bikers. It was all too perfect. If he was lucky, all converging parties as well as Lobo himself would all perish. But no! Now Lobo had to turn up missing! Vril Dox wanted answers! Where in the known galaxy was the Main Man? (Brilliant scheme, but I wouldn’t poke the bear like this. Being on Lobo’s bad side is like calling out a woman on her memory. A death sentence!) Just then, the interested parties began to arrive in an asteroid field. And still, no Lobo!

Elsewhere, Lobo shakes the cobwebs from his head as he struggles to rise to his feet. Looking over, he sees the now-legless Miss Tribb in the corner of this strange room. He holds his pained head as he complains about her not warning him of this obviously hostile spacecraft. Now they had been gassed and imprisoned. This of course started a verbal battle of words that caused the duo to be gassed once again! As Lobo and Tribb lost consciousness this time, cloaked men spoke to one another. “Bee” would know what to do with their prisoners. When they both awoke once again, they found themselves on a stage! There was a sign that read “14th. Annual Orothography Commandos’ Spelling Bee”. Only cloaked monks sat in the audience. One announced it was time for the bee to begin! (Even I’m at a loss for words here…..)

But before the spelling bee could officially start, an elder monk explained to the prisoners on stage that it was their holy mission to bring correct grammar and literacy to the universe. The rules were simple: 1. Spell or die. 2. Spell correctly for your freedom. 3. No gum chewing. 4. All judge’s decisions are final. 5. And no sudden outbursts. (Well, I can definitely see killing someone over obnoxious gum chewing. Some people are annoying as hell as they smack their lips. Grrr! Pass me my meds, Mrs. Symbifan. Ahhhh! Thanks.) The competition begins. As the others spell their given words, they’re executed mercilessly for small mistakes! Lobo does great as he’s given words like “genocide” or “mutilation”. Miss Tribb of course spells her words flawlessly. This goes on until only Lobo, Tribb, and one other being are left! Sensing trouble, Lobo blows in the other alien’s oversized ear! He cries out in alarm! This means death due to sudden outburst! All that remain now are the two Czarnians. Teacher and delinquent pupil.

But the Main Man wasn’t going down without a fight. He proclaimed to the druids that this competition wasn’t fair as his opponent was once a teacher. Outraged at this, Miss Tribb retorted that yes, she was once a teacher. A teacher that he had recently mangled. The next thing he knew, Lobo awoke, suspended in chains, for the crime of harming one who would teach others! Tribb smiled gleefully! (I don’t know. I could think of some teachers from my past that deserve the chain treatment instead! Monsters!) But Lobo had had enough. As the cloaked men took aim, he broke through his chains and paid them all back in spades! He left no-one alive when all was said and done! This was almost a blessing judging by the way that they were mangled!

After Lobo and his disgruntled passenger were free and at a safe spaceport, the Main Man called Vril Dox to check in. He told his boss that they would be late as he was going to Revel-7 for some much-needed rest and relaxation. He then hung up, leaving Vril to wonder where he’d heard of that sector. Suddenly it hit him. Lobo had just given his whereabouts over an unsecured line. Not only that, but Revel-7 was a vacation planet! And when all of Lobo’s enemies arrived after hearing the news, it’d be nothing more than a planet-sized graveyard! Vril groaned. Meanwhile, on Revel-7, Miss Tribb complained like usual, but Lobo just told her to shut it for once and enjoy her Mai Tai! (I’ll take a Shirley Temple. Shaken, not stirred.)

To be concluded…..

Worthy of the Webs (part 3 of 4)

Here we are, Unspokenites! Its part three of my look back at not only the Scarlet Spider’s first night out as a hero, but his first battle as well! And what a first battle too! I mean, who goes and picks a fight with Venom when they’re just a rookie? (I’d be searching for someone wussy like Egghead or something.) Anyway, I present to you the story from “Web of Spider-Man” #119…..

The Scarlet Spider clings to the wall of a building, holding pressure to the webbing that’s holding his insides in place. Venom almost gutted him just moments ago. He needs to get home. Find a way to treat his wounds. Somehow, he manages to return to his apartment. Using his hooded sweatshirt, he ties pressure over the deep gashes on his side just as his webbing finally dissolves. He dresses in his civilian clothes and attempts a call on the telephone for help. But the blood loss is too great. He passes out in the building’s hallway. A neighbor discovers him and, despite her distrust, decides to get him to the hospital ASAP. (Man, I know this is a serious moment in the story, but who else would become a peeping tom if they were granted spider powers? Well? A show of hands? Liars!)

Elsewhere, Venom swings toward the apartment of one Peter Parker in search of answers about this fake Spider-Man that they’ve just battled. The symbiotic duo crash through a window and examine the dwelling. Empty. Annoyed, they look elsewhere. (The subtlety of a triggered Gilbert Gottfried-sounding burglar alarm. Rest in peace, dude.) Their search next take them to the home of Parker’s Aunt May. Nothing. What’s been going on in their absence? Where is Spider-Man? At that moment, as Ben Reilly receives the last of his stitches at the hospital, a nurse casually leaves the room and searches out a phone. Finding one, she makes a hurried call to reporter, Ken Ellis, of the Daily Bugle. He had called earlier, offering cash to anyone who had news of a young man with a specific, serious injury that should arrive this night. Hanging up quickly, he rushes out the double doors and into a passing cab.

Ellis’ sudden departure does not go unnoticed. A being atop a building across the street uncloaks herself, becoming visible. (It’s a Disney-owned Predator! Run! Run before it forces you into it’s inevitably crappy movie!) It’s the female symbiote, Scream. She will follow this reporter. He will lead her to this new Spider. And through him, Venom. Then she will have hope again. Hope of controlling her alien “other”. She cloaks herself once again and follows the cab from the rooftops. Meanwhile, a room of gangsters speak to a shadowed man as he reads the newspaper. They demand he do what they hired him to do, murder the head of another crime family for them. This is his specialty after all. The mysterious man is called Kaine and he doesn’t like taking orders. Kaine ignores them and continues reading in silence. Now angered, guns are drawn and held on him. But Kaine merely knocks the large chandelier down onto many of the criminals with the throw of an unseen weapon, disarms two more men with ease, and finishes by burning the face of the most outspoken one with his mere touch. He dies in anguish! Kaine leaves the paper behind with the headline announcing the Scarlet Spider. Kaine whispers to no-one that he’s found something else more interesting to do.

Back at the hospital, as Ben lowers his shirt over his bandaged midsection, he overhears a commotion from behind his curtain. Peering out, he spies Ken Ellis pushing his way through the nurses. Frantic to conceal his identity, Ben leaps onto the ceiling and pulls the casing off of the overhead vent. He crawls through hastily, making his way to the roof in hardly any time. When Ellis bursts in, he’s met with an empty room. (I know I’ve felt like crawling to freedom exactly like Ben did to escape the utter boredom of the emergency room where I live! You need how much blood? How long does this test’s results take? Madness!) But when the Scarlet Spider reaches the rooftop, he finds he isn’t alone! Scream’s waiting for him! Good thing he thought to pull his mask on! She demands his aid in finding Venom. But Ben has had enough of this situation. He swings off quickly, leaving her to rage alone! Or did he?

Scream tears the rooftop to pieces in her anger, sending pieces of debris flying downwards to the people in the busy streets below! But the Scarlet Spider hasn’t left the scene quite yet. Half expecting this, he hid and waited. He catches and crushes as much of the falling pieces as he can before she swings away. Ben begins to think, what if he hadn’t been here to rescue these people below tonight? What if he’d ignored them and left them to save themselves? It reminded him of Peter’s Uncle Ben and how his murder could have been prevented should Peter have stopped a certain thief earlier that fateful night. Perhaps he’d forgotten Spider-Man’s lesson: “With great power comes great responsibility.” (Is anyone else sick of this constantly repeated credo? Ugh! It’s like the Spider-Man origin story in general. I consider leaping from a high window whenever it’s retold. Maybe it’s just me…..Nah.)

Later, the woman who saved Ben Reilly’s life knocks on his apartment door. She’s been wondering if he’s okay since his sudden disappearance at the hospital. (Yeah. And she saw his muscles while he was unconscious too. I bet that played no part. Women. What a bunch of perverts.) Ben answers but doesn’t remove the chain from his door. He apologies and tells her that he’s busy. She looks taken aback at his rudeness but nods and leaves. He closes the door all of the way and continues suiting up. He’s going to war against Venom! He may still leave this city, but it’ll be with a clean conscience because he’s stopped that creature! Elsewhere, Scream has absolutely lost it! She throws even more heavy objects from the great height of another skyscraper, putting countless more innocent people in harms way! She’s stopped rather quickly, though, as two feet hit her at great speed and with superhuman force! She turns. Venom has arrived and they’ve had enough! Venom knocks Scream down with a powerful punch to the face! They then pin her down and begin to literally tear the bonded symbiote from the human host’s very flesh!

Just then, small orbs are fired upon Venom from behind! Venom turns, confused. The Scarlet Spider stands where the tiny balls were shot from. The pellets suddenly explode with webbing and it covers Venom’s face so quickly and completely, that even they must struggle to tear it off! The hero states that he calls his new invention impact webbing, and he’s brought plenty to end this fight! The two square off. The final battle is here at last!

To be concluded…..