Tag Archives: Marvel Comics

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

“Okay, Axis, Here We Come!” (part 3 of 4)

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Boy, these characters from Marvel’s Golden Age sure are awesome, eh Unspokenites? I for one was always fascinated by them. It’s sad that so little of them still exist today really. (Except for the Whizzer in his yellow costume. Him, you can keep! Ha! Just kidding.) Anyway, I bet you’re wondering what happens next in our titanic tale! Well, wonder no further! The Unspoken Decade proudly presents “Invaders” #3…..

The Human Torch had had enough! He bursts into flames and melts his way out of his see-through prison! The Whizzer asks to be freed too, but the Torch is too enraged to be stopped now! The flaming android melts the surrounding Nazi soldiers’ guns as he flies towards the members of Battle-Axis! Dr. Death orders Volton to hurl a beam of electricity his way. He does, but the Torch is too fast! But as he evades, he’s suddenly struck powerless by a high-powered hose from the lab’s ceiling! Now without his flame, he plummets right into Strongman’s path! The muscle-bound villain uses the Human Torch’s momentum and his own superior strength to knock the hero out with a single punch! He’s then drug into a fresh prison chamber. Dr Death then walks towards the Torch. Peering in at him, the Nazis asks if he’d like to know his identity! The Torch seems unconcerned until the villain pulls off his face mask! (And reveals himself to be…..Shaq! Man, he really is in everything these days!) He is James Bradley, assistant to the man who created the Human Torch! He explains that he had begged his partner not to go public with the Torch, but his pleas were ignored. Disgusted, he stormed out of the lab before the press arrived. Years later, he was thrilled to become Dr. Death for the Third Reich when they approached him if it meant getting his hands on his old co-creation!

The Human Torch now knows why this Dr. Death betrayed his country. But what of these others? He demands answers. The Spider Queen is the first to answer. Her name was Sharon Kane and her husband had been a scientist that had invented a super-strong web fluid for Washington. All was well until the day he was gunned down by Russian spies! Soon after, America allied themselves with Russia against Nazi Germany when they entered the war! That’s why she fights against her homeland. The next to speak is Strongman. He was named Percy Van Norton. He’d been a millionaire, but even his money couldn’t take away the sting of being relentlessly teased as a youth. So he took an experimental formula that enhanced his strength and durability. He knew the Nazis valued strength, so when Dr. Death approached him, he was more than willing. The Human Meteor had been called Duke O’ Dowd and had received his powers by crashing his plane in the Himalayans and discovering the secret city of Bayakura. The denizens there taught him how to convert his atoms into pure energy. He had started out a superhero, but when he learned that America was working with the British he so despised, he joined the opposite side. Volton spoke up next. He remembered nothing of his human life or why he’d joined the cause. He just remembered being struck by a bolt of lightning. (Well, that was a simple and right to the point origin story. Genius! Gotta love a deeply motivated character.)

While the villains are in such a talkative mood, the Torch questions them further. Where are they and what is their master plan? Dr. Death replies with pride that they are beneath the Mojave Desert where they have constructed a giant oscillotron. The machine’s job is to create an earthquake so destructive, that the West Coast would break off, killing numerous Americans and forcing the U.S. out of the war! Without their powerful ally, England would be forced to surrender next! This would leave Russia to battle all of the Azis Powers alone! The Whizzer cries out in rage, but he is simply ignored and the Human Torch is doused once again with water within his cell. Meanwhile, as Captain America flies the Atlantean aircraft high above the desert, Miss America demands to know of the villains’ secret location from the Silver Scorpion. The new, armored heroine seems unsure. Miss America next asks how this woman even knows of the armor she now wears. The Silver Scorpion replies that she had accompanied her fiancée to work often as he served as a guard to a scientist that was creating the armor. The scientist had needed a model to fit the armor around and chose her. (I bet he did! Pervert! I applaud your ingenuity, good sir.) The heroes know the rest of her sad tale.

As this conversation is going on, Namor takes this time to ask of the Blazing Skull’s origins. He answers that he was once a journalist named Mark Todd and that he had been on assignment during a war in China. He was forced underground during an attack and encountered a race of beings that had flaming skulls for heads! There, they taught him how to become immune to flames and gifted him a mask to look as they did to the surface world. This was to fight injustice incognito. He later learned how to make his own flesh appear transparent. To put the Blazing Skull at ease, Cap tells him that this was no more strange than his or the other Invaders’ origins. (Like…..heehee…..the Whizzer…..getting super speed from a…..hahaha…..blood transfusion from a…..mongoose! Haw! Haw! Haw!) These talks however have not stopped Miss America from grilling the Silver Scorpion. She questions her once again about the villains’ hideout. Things become so heated up between the two females, that the Scorpion suddenly shouts out that she lied! She knew nothing of their evil plans and overheard only a vague statement about a “dead lake”. Before Miss America can say anymore, Captain America motions for her silence. They are flying over the Mojave Desert right now. Doesn’t this place have craters called “dead lakes”? And if so, couldn’t Namor’s Atlantean ship detect them?

The Sub-Mariner confirmed that this was in fact so. Scanning the desert, the ship’s sensors quickly picked up a crater that had been covered up, comoflauged in some way! Cap decided they should keep their distance until a plan could be formed. But too late! Anti-aircraft guns came out of concealed spots in the desert sands and began firing upon the Atlantean ship! They made a crash landing! But, unable to wait any longer for her beloved, Miss America burst from the craft and flew down with the guns as they sank back into the earth! She found herself inside of an enormous high-tech base, full to bursting with Nazi soldiers! She was discovered immediately! But the heroine knew how to deal with their like! She fought her way through, knocking the Ratzis around like bowling pins! But, so concerned was she with the soldiers, that she missed a sneak attack by the Human Meteor and Volton! (Geez. Maybe if she’d waited for the others before attacking? The Whizzer must be some man in the sack! Giggle.) She’s then ensnared by the Spider Queen’s webbing and pulled forcefully to the ground!

But never fear! The Invaders burst into the Battle-Axis headquarters, ready to rescue their friend and cripple this whole evil operation beyond repair! Dr. Death plunges a syringe into Miss America’s arm and she slips into unconsciousness. He then orders a nearby man in a lab coat to activate a device he calls the Dimension Smasher! As Captain America and the Blazing Skull battle the behemoth known as the Golem, Silver Scorpion fights against the Spider Queen! Still unsure of her armor’s capabilities, she manages to fire an energy blast that gives her foe pause! Next, Namor slowly advances upon Volton through his barrage of electrical blasts! It seems as if our heroes are winning! Battle-Axis is quickly losing ground! That is until the Dimension Smasher hums to life! And then, emerging from the smoke, hovers in a strange alien being! Some know him as the Vision! But he calls himself Aarkus, Destroyer of Evil! (“Destroyer of Evil”? Sounds like a plus actually for the Invaders. Who’s more evil than Nazis after all? Not counting New England Patriots’ ex-quarterback, Tom Brady, of course. That joke was for you, mom!)

The Vision surveys his surroundings and studies those that surround him in awe! Captain America looks to the strange being and pleads that, if he is against all things evil as he says, that he join them in their fight. But instead, the Vision floats past Cap and towards Namor. He raises one hand and places a single finger upon the Atlantean hybrid’s brow. Namor suddenly freezes into a block of ice! Volton exclaims in shock that the Vision is on their side! Dr. Death merely states that why wouldn’t he be? They control his way home! Next, Vision attacks the Silver Scorpion, knocking her out! The Golem finishes the job by defeating Captain America and the Blazing Skull with his mighty fists! The Invaders all now lie defeated! Who will save America now?

To be concluded!

(And don’t forget to donate all unnecessary metals to the war effort! Keep ’em flying, boys!)

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

“Okay, Axis, here we come!” (Part 2 of 4)

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Welcome back to the dangerous days of the second World War…..but in the 90’s. That’s right. This is a story that would most likely take place before Marvel Comics was even called Marvel Comics…..only it is called that. You know, I’m just confusing myself here and run the risk of taking you Unspokenites down with me. Let’s just return to the story. (Sheesh!) I bring you “Invaders” #2…..

A nearly unconscious and severely beaten Miss America crashes through the window in the meeting room of the Liberty Legion! Shocked, Captain America leaps to action and stops her impact on the hard wood floor with his muscled frame. The other Invaders and the Thin Man kneel down to check on their comrade. The Thin Man recalls aloud that he thought she had been on a date this night with the Whizzer. Her love’s codename spoken aloud awakens Miss America and she demands to know his whereabouts! Cap manages to calm her, asking what had happened. She replies that five superpowered Nazis took the Whizzer captive and nearly killed her! In fact, they only let her be because they thought that they had! The Human Torch suggests that she rest while they look into the matter. Not to be denied her vengeance, Miss America finds a stone sculpture of Captain America’s head nearby and crushes it with a single blow! She won’t be left behind! (A simple, “Nah. I’m good, guys,” would be way too simple at this juncture it seems. Women. Am I right?)

The Thin Man suggests that he stay behind and find other heroes to help out. And though this hurts Namor’s pride to ask for aid, Captain America tells the Atlantean King that he feels they’re going to need all of the help they can get this time. Within moments, the Invaders are speeding away within Namor’s high-tech plane as the Thin Man wishes them his best. Meanwhile, over the Hollywoodland sign, a strange and ominous fog descends. Two police officers, out on their nightly patrol, spot this occurrence and slow to a stop in their squad car. They’re horrified as they witness a large, black balloon emerge from within the fog! A rope drops but no-one slides down. Instead, the officers hear a feminine voice from behind! It’s the Spider Queen! As she keeps the two entranced, Volton lands and electrifies both lawmen until their flesh blackens! (Yep. Crispy as KFC I’d reckon too. Damn. That sounds good now!) The other Nazis emerge now with a new ally, the dreaded Sky Shark! They carry a drugged Whizzer with them as yet another man descends the rope ladder. Dr. Death refers to this man as their “ace-in-the-hole”!

Elsewhere, Namor and the Human Torch land at their destination. They seek to give an ally, a Dr. Jacob Goldstein, sanctuary until this attack blew over with the Battle-Axis. Goldstein had once sent a set of armor he’d designed against the Invaders against his will and joined them when they’d given their word to liberate his brother from Nazi clutches. As it turned out, the heroes hardly had to intervene at all as the doctor had transformed himself into a hulking Golem, straight from Jewish folklore, and nearly saved his sibling alone! The two superheroes knock but the door creaks open! Peering inside with the Torch’s firey light, the duo spy Dr. Death and Goldstein together! The evil Nazi leader then orders Goldstein to attack! Begrudgingly, he obeys as he transforms into the clay behemoth, the Golem, once more! The two Invaders fight valiantly, but the creature’s sheer strength is too much in the end! Both lie injured and unconscious in the now flaming residence! Dr. Death orders the Golem to take the Human Torch and to leave the King of Atlantis to die in the fire! The Golem follows orders and Namor is left to perish! (And he didn’t want help! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Am I actually siding with Nazis on even a marginal level?! Bad narrator! Bad!)

The Sub-Mariner tries his best to crawl through the burning wreckage, but now deeply dehydrated, he finds his enhanced strength completely gone. He almost collapses for good until a gloved hand catches him. Looking for the face of his savior, Namor sees a flaming skull staring back at him instead! (No. It’s not Ghost Rider. This is a Golden Age comic story, written in the 1990’s, and now brought to you in the year 2025. Damn! Got confused again.) Seeing the confusion upon the Atlantean’s face, the hero introduces himself as the Blazing Skull. He then picks up Namor over one shoulder and races from the burning home. Once outside, he states that the Thin Man sent him. He then asks if Namor needs further help. Instead, the aquatic hero looks to a tall water tower and smashes his fists into its wooden legs. It comes crashing down, drenching Namor in life-saving water! The Sub-Mariner roars that he’s now ready to go rescue the Human Torch and woe to any Nazi that’s holding him prisoner!

On their own mission, Miss America flies up to a high window at UCLA’s college campus with Captain America held in her powerful arms. Spying inside, they see three corpses and three of the members of Battle-Axis standing over them! The one known as Strongman holds an enormous high-tech device over his head. They call it an oscillotron and claim that it’s needed for their leader’s sinister scheme. Hearing enough, Cap and Miss America leap through the overhead window and straight into battle! But once again, the heroes are bested by the villainous Battle-Axis! But as they move in for the kill, they’re stopped by a woman clad in silver armor and a large handgun aimed at them! She calls herself the Silver Scorpion and warns not to cross her or they’ll feel the sting of her ray gun! The villains notice the blonde, female “corpse” is missing from their feet! Unimpressed, Spider Queen throws a web at the gun and pulls it from the Silver Scorpion’s hand! She aims it at the armored heroine but soon sees that she’s been fooled. This was no more than a strangly -shaped glue gun! (I’m constantly tricked into thinking long, cardboard tubing is in fact a cool lightsaber. I’m also extremely immature for my age.)

There’s a slight skirmish before Battle-Axis decides that they’re wasting too much time. They have memorized enough of the device’s inner workings to help their leader, so they destroy their ill-gotten prize and make a hasty escape, destroying the room’s foundations on the way out! Unable to give chase, Captain America and Miss America turn to their new ally. But the Silver Scorpion is already checking the others bodies. No hope. They’re gone. She tells how one was the designer of the oscillotron and her armor. The other was the man she loved. She was called this night to be on high alert from the Thin Man. Too little, too late it seems now. The two superheroes thank her and give their condolences before they turn to leave. But the Silver Scorpion won’t be left behind so easily. She wants revenge and while she was thought to be dead, overheard Battle-Axis’ next destination! Begrudgingly, she is allowed to join the heroes. (Blackmail is an excellent basis for a great, lasting partnership.)

To be continued……

And remember to plant a victory garden! (Hmmm? Oh, just Google it!)

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

A Guy Walks into a Dimensional Portal…..

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Who misses Saturday morning cartoons? Come on, a show of hands. Me too. Those were the days. Remember when Elmer Fudd would walk off of a cliff and not fall until he noticed, or Jerry would hand Tom a stick of dynamite and he wouldn’t die from the explosion, but instead resemble a struck match? What if you had superpowers like that? Pretty cool, right? Well that’s essentially what Slapstick can do. He possesses the powers of a cartoon character! This is his origin story, as told in “Slapstick” #1. Enjoy, Unspokenites and as you read, try to reignite that childhood spark that lived inside of you as you watched those classic cartoons not so long ago.

Steve Harmon had never been what one would consider to be a “normal” child. In his fifteen years upon the planet, he’d always been the kind of guy that you could count on for either a dumb joke or a prank. But being the class clown didn’t exactly make him popular. Far from it. Case in point. Steve leaned back in his desk and looked to the cute girl, named Heather, seated behind him. In perhaps a way to impress her, he tells her his best inappropriate joke. It doesn’t exactly go as expected as she turns her nose up in obvious disgust. (You all know the type. The popular girl that’s popular just cuz. A high school version of the Kardashians.) But before he can attempt a follow-up joke, he’s rudely interrupted by the appearance of Don Winston, the typical school alpha male. Steve immediately goes into defensive mode. They argue about how Don turned Steve in for his most recent prank, getting him a week’s detention. Winston merely laughs the situation off and moves on.

Later that day, after detention, Steve began his long walk home from school. As he pondered his vengeance, he paid little attention to his surroundings. This caused him to collide with a clown standing on the sidewalk, handing out flyers. The clown, however, seemed completely unfazed by this. He looked down to where the boy had fallen and, with a fanged smile, handed a flyer to Steve. Looking at it, Steve discovered that there was a carnival in town. Suddenly, a fantastic idea for his revenge struck him like lightning. Leaping to his feet, he ran to prepare. Little did he notice that the clown was no longer standing there! (Probably hawking a cheeseburger under a golden arch somewhere. No disrespect, Mr. McDonald. Your food made me the man that I am today…..sob……) Steve’s best friend, Mike, spies him and approaches to talk, but Steve barely even notices him as he sprints off.

Steve rushed upstairs when he arrived home, a happy bounce in his step. When he was in his room, he pulled out an old Halloween costume and put it on. Next, he fit a purplish wig to his head. Lastly, he applied clown makeup to his face. He took the time to admire himself in his mirror before silently descending the stairs. He giggled fiendishly the whole way to the carnival. Now completely incognito, Steve wandered the grounds in search of his prey. It didn’t take long before he located both Don and Heather together. Perfect! Buying a creme pie at a nearby stand, Steve waited patiently for his two victims behind a circus tent. (A pie?! That was his master plan? I’m sorely disappointed in our boy here. I expected something like, oh I dont know, a two-by-four with nails in it to the face. And that’s just off the top of my head! I need help, don’t I?)

But when they didn’t arrive, he peeked out of his hiding place and what he saw horrified him! Don and Heather were unconscious and being dragged into the House of Mirrors by a group of sinister looking clowns! Steve waited until they passed and then grabbed the nearest weapon, a large mallet. He followed past the eerie room of mirrors until he found a room beyond that was way larger than the entire tent combined! Inside, the clowns were tossing his two classmates into an enormous portal! As they did so, they spoke of studying these humans in order to better invade the Earth from their home world in Dimension X! The Overlord will be pleased! (I’ve got it! They’re taking them to Krang. He finally broke away from the incompetent Shredder and is now using evil clowns to do his dirty work! You’re not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans? How do you sleep at night?)

When they were done with their despicable work, the clowns entered the portal themselves. As it began to close, Steve seized his moment and leaped in after them! As he did this, the Marvel Universe sensed the birth of something…..new. Spider-man’s spider sense went wild, Doctor Strange sensed something amiss, the Silver Surfer sensed a strange power being born, the Watcher felt compelled to interfere, Reed Richards’ advanced technology went crazy, and Howard the Duck threw up! (Not sure what Howard hurling into a bucket had to do with anything, but I’m merely here to report the facts. That said…..#LeaThompsonInPanties. )

As Mark passed through the portal, a strange thing occurred. It seemed as if every atom in his teenage form was torn from him, restructured, and reassembled into something all together new! He landed in what seemed to be an underground laboratory with a loud splat! Looking up from his puddle-like form, he saw clowns surrounding him. One of them, who strangely resembled Groucho Marx, made some adjustments in Mark’s cartoon gloves and placed them on his gooey hands. He then pushed a hidden button and Mark immediately took on a more solid form. Oddly enough, he now looked like a cartoon parody of his costumed self! (Why do a lot of cartoon characters wear four-fingered, white gloves? ‘Tis a true mystery for the ages. Like what the hell is Grimace from McDonald’s lore? The world may never know. Damn! I really must want fast food!)

It was explained that this clown used to be the Scientist Supreme in Dimension X. This was back before the Overlord used his inventions to warp reality and conquer this world. The Overlord kept him in this dungeon in case he were to invent anything else that could be used in his evil conquest. Recently, however, the madman had turned his attention to Earth so that he could add to his kingdom! Humans had been taken to experiment upon and make this dream of his into a demented reality! When Mark had passed through into this world, his body had somehow been changed into a new, indestructible material! While he was unconscious, the scientist had also added more features to the gloves Mark now wore. He could push a button in them to once again look human. Also, his mallet would appear in his hand with a turn of the wrist! (Yeah. This part of the comic was pretty wordy. No need to thank me for summarizing it. I will accept cash donations though. Just sayin’.)

And then, just like that, the former Scientist Supreme of Dimension X clutched his chest in pain! He was having a heart attack! As he fell into Steve’s arms, he whispered that it was now up to him to free his dimension and his own. He spoke up in a heroic voice that he never knew he had and vowed to do just that! The scientist’s assistants handed him a map to help aid him in gaining entrance to the Overlord’s throne room. Taking it, Steve took the trapdoor into the passageway. When he was gone, the scientist stood up and declared that this trick worked every time! (Ooooh! That’s cold! That’s as cold as whoever thought up the idea of subjecting us to a new Barney the dinosaur show! It’s true! Google it!)

The being known as the Overlord resembled a hideous mockery of a jack-in-the-box! He ordered his enslaved human army onwards to conquer the Earth! As they marched, Steve began taking out the guards with his gigantic mallet from behind the stage! Others noticed this intruder and attacked. Mark took one out with gloved fingers to the eyes and a hulking clown by smashing him through a stone wall with his hammer! The Overlord took notice at this time and ordered the Scientist Supreme’s machine be used on he who would dare intrude upon his moment of impending triumph! But the machine wasn’t prepared for one such as Steve! The energy shot right back into the large device, causing it to explode when it was struck with Steve’s mallet at the same time! (I once used a hammer to vanquish an enemy. Of course that enemy was a ketchup packet and I was around five years old. Still though…..)

The Overlord’s castle began to crumble around them all! From the rubble, he looked to this odd hero and threatened his life! Steve merely grinned and smashed the Overlord back into his box and then struck him with a golf swing so hard, that the evil one flew through the crumbling ceiling and into the sky! That’s when the evil clowns turned upon him! Unable to think of another course of action, he yelled for the human captives to run! They all raced down the twisted path toward the now-reopening portal! Everyone made it through, including the clowns! But Steve swung his mighty hammer one final time, causing the portal to suck the clown army back inwards and explode! Steve turned to see his very curious best friend behind him. Maybe Mike wouldn’t recognize him. (All of this hammer swinging makes me think of Captain America with Mjolnir in “Avengers: Endgame”. Remember that iconic moment when he yelled, “Avengers assemble!” Ha! You were all moved to the point of tears. Wussies. Nerds. I didn’t cry…..much…..every time I watch it……sob.)

Wrong. Mike knew him right away by the sound of his voice. The two walked together in the wooded area near the demolished carnival grounds. And as they did, Steve’s comic-loving friend told him he should use his unique powers to fight crime. This was agreed upon quickly. But he’d need an alias. After a few failed attempts, Steve finally cried out, “Slapstick!” The rest, as they say, is history.

End.