Category Archives: 90s DC

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

No Contest: The Story of Artemis (part 2 of 5)

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“She’s got legs, she knows how to use them. She never begs, she knows how to choose them. She’s holding leg, wondering how to feel them. Would you get behind them, if you could only find them? She’s my baby, she’s my baby. Yeah, it’s alright.” – “Legs” by ZZ Top. But I digress. Truer words were never spoken. Trust the great poets, ZZ Top, to express my thoughts on the Artemis character perfectly. Sigh. Anyway, moving on to the next part of our tale…..

We begin with Princess Diana descending from the clear skies over Themyscira, dressed in full Wonder Woman garb. She gently lands on the beach, near some of her Amazonian sisters. A close friend, a blonde named Mala, admits that she was worried as Diana suddenly disappeared when her mother decreed that a new Contest would be held to decide the mantle of Wonder Woman once and for all. Diana merely replied that she needed time to think. She continued by asking sarcastically if a victor had been crowned while she was absent. (Reeeowr! A bit catty for this early in the article me thinks.) The other Amazon merely replied that she was being silly and handed her a typical outfit to compete within. She took it begrudgingly. Diana asked offhandedly if Artemis and the other once-exiled Amazons would be competing. The answer didn’t sound very positive.

A short time later, as the Amazons begin to warm up and practice for the upcoming competition, Artemis and her group suddenly stroll into the thick of the others. One of the Amazons murmurs a question aloud: “Who invited them?” Diana’s attention snaps towards the snide comment’s speaker and replies for all to hear that she herself invited them. Queen Hippolyta sits up straight in her throne and looks immediately agitated. Diana looks to her mother and continues that all Amazons should have a vote whether or not Artemis and her sisters should be kept from competing. The Queen allows this with anger clearly visible upon her face. The Amazons vote. It’s nearly unanimous. They will be allowed. Obviously out-voted Hippolyta decrees that all Amazonian sisters will be allowed to try for the right to become Wonder Woman! (Me thinks Diana’s in for a grounding. Or maybe a spanking. Where’s THAT issue I ask you?!)

The Amazons begin with javelin throwing, racing, feats of strength, hand to hand combat, etc. After, many of them decide to rest and recoup in the shade. Diana sits with her sisters and spies Artemis and her cohorts strolling by. She gives a friendly smile as she asks if they would like to join them. The reply is full of spite and disgust. The trio passes Diana and the others by as they make their own camp close by. Both groups sit and talk about one another into the night. (Girls. Am I right, fellas? Always gossiping and fighting. I guess it’s the same even on Paradise Island.) Suddenly, Diana holds her head in anguish as a vision forces it’s way into her mind! She sees the ancient past where it appears as though it wasn’t Hippolyta’s sister, Antiope, which betrayed her sister and the others to Herakles, but rather the other way around! Diana awakens near the campfire with a concerned Mala looking over her. She speaks very little of the vision to her friend. But she wonders about the truth of it silently to herself.

The following morning, the next test is prepared. They are to separate into small teams and work together to defeat their competition. Queen Hippolyta gives them all very little time to prepare before she announces that the test has begun. Diana and three of her sisters are joined by Artemis on a team. (You can just tell this is gonna be a mistake. I sense a cat fight in the near future….. So sexy.) Plans are quickly put together and it begins. Mala wanders through the woods, calling out for Diana and Artemis to help her lug their heavy gear in a very loud and annoyed tone. That’s when she’s suddenly attacked by another small group of Amazons that have been waiting for easy prey in the treetops. But Mala is far from unprepared! She strikes back with fierce skill and cunning as the others spring from their hiding places and take the other Amazons prisoner! But as they’re binding them, backup arrives and they throw a net at Mala and Artemis! But Diana has been hiding for just this reason. She leaps from the heavy foliage and battles the other group by herself! But just as the word of surrender is given, an arrow flies through the air, aimed right at Diana’s vital organs!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 4 of 4)

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Feetal’s Gizz! We’re at the end of this miniseries already? Damn! Time sure flies when you’re writing about a sadistic, alien psychopath, huh? Yep. I remember my first experience with the Lobo character. My brother, SymbiEric, and I were opening up packs of DC Cosmic Cards in my mom’s car after eating out at our favorite restaurant, Giovanni’s Pizza. As we greedily looked through our now grease-covered, newly-acquired acquisitions, one of us came across the Main Man’s card. And after looking at that unique visage and reading the information on the back, I was totally hooked! Anyway, enough about me. It’s time once again for our “hero” to take center stage for the last time. Enjoy, Legions of the Unspoken!

Lobo was finding his vacation time on Revel-7 to be a tad on the boring side. Where was the action? Where was the depravity? Where were the scantily-clad women? Sigh. This was definitely not what the Main Man signed on for. Miss Tribb overhead him complaining and scoffed. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a destructive riot, some unprovoked murder, etc? Lobo grinned in response. He picked Tribb up under his arm and carried her over to a coat hook on the outside of the room’s closet door. He hung her there, suspended by her collar, and slammed the door to the room shut. He then went on his merry way in search of a communication device. (Man. Respect your elders, ‘Bo. At least iron her wrinkles out before hanging her up. Ha! Damn. This series is making me sick and twisted! I like it!)

At L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox paced frantically and slammed his gloved fist into his office wall. How could his plans have gone so awry? Now five parties bent upon Lobo’s demise were about to converge upon a renowned vacation planet and it was all his fault! As he mentally went over his options, a L.E.G.I.O.N. operative knocked on the door. It seemed as if Lobo had hacked the Revel-7’s communications network for the entire planet! Vril switched on his viewing screen. Lobo quickly came into view. He stated his feelings of boredom and announced that the denizens of this world had five hours to evacuate before he began the massacre! The screen went as blank a Vril’s facial expression. Utter chaos erupted on Revel-7 as an entire population tried to evacuate the planet at once! Lobo sat back and enjoyed the show he’d created! (That’s…..friggin’…..awesome! The dude’s a dark genius I tells ya! Oh to only be in my early twenties again and to party with the Main Man. But middle age is just as cool…..sniffle…..)

At that precise moment, the grannies and the truckers both entered the planet’s orbit. They quickly became aware of one another and watched carefully, ready to strike should they suddenly be provoked. Next, Lobo’s little biker fan club arrived on scene. Next were the space police! The truckers weren’t prepared for the sudden appearance of the law enforcement ship and they collided, killing everyone aboard both vessels! The large explosion annihilated the gang of bikers as well! (Well, that went slightly awry, didn’t it? Ooooh! Fireworks of death! Ahhhh!) While the Main Man’s enemies accidentally murdered one another, he stood, blissfully aware of all of this, singing bad karaoke on stage! Then Lobo was stricken with a crisis of conscience. Did he leave the old lady behind and party it up? Did he break his word for the first time in his life? He walked away from his room. He didn’t get far though before he roared some obscenities and returned for his ex-teacher.

The grannies arrived planetside and saw all of the obscene peep shows and porn shops littering the surface! They now had a new mission in life! They opened fire on the buildings! This barrage destroyed the incoming fleet of the dance/theatre company! As more and more of Lobo’s enemies fell from the skies, he admired their explosive deaths, oblivious to who they were or that they were here for him in the first place! (Men! Am I right, ladies? On the sadder side of things…..all of that alien pornography…..lost forever. Sob. Shudder.) The Main Man rocketed past the carnage upon his space-hawg with his complaining passenger in back. Soon after, Vril Dox shut the door to his office and nearly jumped out of his green skin as he heard a gruff voice from behind. Turning, he saw Lobo and his legless captive. When questioned about her missing limbs, he merely replied that women were always losing one thing or another.

Lobo handed over the older Czarnian woman. Vril was then forced to admit that Lobo had done a good job. She did arrive alive after all. Mission accomplished. Satisfied with this, Lobo then marched over to Miss Tribb, took her head in his powerful arms, and snapped her neck! Dox looked at Lobo in shock! Lobo spoke in passing that no-one ever said she had to live after delivery! He laughed maniacally as he left the office. Vril Dox attempted to rub away the instant pain emanating from his temples. (Note: Only one teacher was harmed during the writing of this particular series of articles. )

End.

P.S. The aforementioned trading card. (Oddly missing the Giovanni’s Pizza grease. Go figure.) Thanks for the trade, SymbiEric. Love ya!

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag It! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 3 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! Wow! Are we really almost done with this miniseries? That didn’t take long. I mean, I took forever to write about it, but it’s still almost done. So, what’re your thoughts on this limited series? Leave a comment so I feel all warm and special in my inside-y parts. And now, back to the story…..

To say Vril Dox was angry was an understatement! He had cleverly sent Lobo after the one person that he’d want to murder most in the galaxy, thus stoking his rage so he’d not only murder rivals of Vril’s like the police chief, but take out others of the criminal element like those Lobo-loving bikers. It was all too perfect. If he was lucky, all converging parties as well as Lobo himself would all perish. But no! Now Lobo had to turn up missing! Vril Dox wanted answers! Where in the known galaxy was the Main Man? (Brilliant scheme, but I wouldn’t poke the bear like this. Being on Lobo’s bad side is like calling out a woman on her memory. A death sentence!) Just then, the interested parties began to arrive in an asteroid field. And still, no Lobo!

Elsewhere, Lobo shakes the cobwebs from his head as he struggles to rise to his feet. Looking over, he sees the now-legless Miss Tribb in the corner of this strange room. He holds his pained head as he complains about her not warning him of this obviously hostile spacecraft. Now they had been gassed and imprisoned. This of course started a verbal battle of words that caused the duo to be gassed once again! As Lobo and Tribb lost consciousness this time, cloaked men spoke to one another. “Bee” would know what to do with their prisoners. When they both awoke once again, they found themselves on a stage! There was a sign that read “14th. Annual Orothography Commandos’ Spelling Bee”. Only cloaked monks sat in the audience. One announced it was time for the bee to begin! (Even I’m at a loss for words here…..)

But before the spelling bee could officially start, an elder monk explained to the prisoners on stage that it was their holy mission to bring correct grammar and literacy to the universe. The rules were simple: 1. Spell or die. 2. Spell correctly for your freedom. 3. No gum chewing. 4. All judge’s decisions are final. 5. And no sudden outbursts. (Well, I can definitely see killing someone over obnoxious gum chewing. Some people are annoying as hell as they smack their lips. Grrr! Pass me my meds, Mrs. Symbifan. Ahhhh! Thanks.) The competition begins. As the others spell their given words, they’re executed mercilessly for small mistakes! Lobo does great as he’s given words like “genocide” or “mutilation”. Miss Tribb of course spells her words flawlessly. This goes on until only Lobo, Tribb, and one other being are left! Sensing trouble, Lobo blows in the other alien’s oversized ear! He cries out in alarm! This means death due to sudden outburst! All that remain now are the two Czarnians. Teacher and delinquent pupil.

But the Main Man wasn’t going down without a fight. He proclaimed to the druids that this competition wasn’t fair as his opponent was once a teacher. Outraged at this, Miss Tribb retorted that yes, she was once a teacher. A teacher that he had recently mangled. The next thing he knew, Lobo awoke, suspended in chains, for the crime of harming one who would teach others! Tribb smiled gleefully! (I don’t know. I could think of some teachers from my past that deserve the chain treatment instead! Monsters!) But Lobo had had enough. As the cloaked men took aim, he broke through his chains and paid them all back in spades! He left no-one alive when all was said and done! This was almost a blessing judging by the way that they were mangled!

After Lobo and his disgruntled passenger were free and at a safe spaceport, the Main Man called Vril Dox to check in. He told his boss that they would be late as he was going to Revel-7 for some much-needed rest and relaxation. He then hung up, leaving Vril to wonder where he’d heard of that sector. Suddenly it hit him. Lobo had just given his whereabouts over an unsecured line. Not only that, but Revel-7 was a vacation planet! And when all of Lobo’s enemies arrived after hearing the news, it’d be nothing more than a planet-sized graveyard! Vril groaned. Meanwhile, on Revel-7, Miss Tribb complained like usual, but Lobo just told her to shut it for once and enjoy her Mai Tai! (I’ll take a Shirley Temple. Shaken, not stirred.)

To be concluded…..