Category Archives: 90s DC

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 4 of 4)

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Feetal’s Gizz! We’re at the end of this miniseries already? Damn! Time sure flies when you’re writing about a sadistic, alien psychopath, huh? Yep. I remember my first experience with the Lobo character. My brother, SymbiEric, and I were opening up packs of DC Cosmic Cards in my mom’s car after eating out at our favorite restaurant, Giovanni’s Pizza. As we greedily looked through our now grease-covered, newly-acquired acquisitions, one of us came across the Main Man’s card. And after looking at that unique visage and reading the information on the back, I was totally hooked! Anyway, enough about me. It’s time once again for our “hero” to take center stage for the last time. Enjoy, Legions of the Unspoken!

Lobo was finding his vacation time on Revel-7 to be a tad on the boring side. Where was the action? Where was the depravity? Where were the scantily-clad women? Sigh. This was definitely not what the Main Man signed on for. Miss Tribb overhead him complaining and scoffed. Maybe he’d be more comfortable with a destructive riot, some unprovoked murder, etc? Lobo grinned in response. He picked Tribb up under his arm and carried her over to a coat hook on the outside of the room’s closet door. He hung her there, suspended by her collar, and slammed the door to the room shut. He then went on his merry way in search of a communication device. (Man. Respect your elders, ‘Bo. At least iron her wrinkles out before hanging her up. Ha! Damn. This series is making me sick and twisted! I like it!)

At L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox paced frantically and slammed his gloved fist into his office wall. How could his plans have gone so awry? Now five parties bent upon Lobo’s demise were about to converge upon a renowned vacation planet and it was all his fault! As he mentally went over his options, a L.E.G.I.O.N. operative knocked on the door. It seemed as if Lobo had hacked the Revel-7’s communications network for the entire planet! Vril switched on his viewing screen. Lobo quickly came into view. He stated his feelings of boredom and announced that the denizens of this world had five hours to evacuate before he began the massacre! The screen went as blank a Vril’s facial expression. Utter chaos erupted on Revel-7 as an entire population tried to evacuate the planet at once! Lobo sat back and enjoyed the show he’d created! (That’s…..friggin’…..awesome! The dude’s a dark genius I tells ya! Oh to only be in my early twenties again and to party with the Main Man. But middle age is just as cool…..sniffle…..)

At that precise moment, the grannies and the truckers both entered the planet’s orbit. They quickly became aware of one another and watched carefully, ready to strike should they suddenly be provoked. Next, Lobo’s little biker fan club arrived on scene. Next were the space police! The truckers weren’t prepared for the sudden appearance of the law enforcement ship and they collided, killing everyone aboard both vessels! The large explosion annihilated the gang of bikers as well! (Well, that went slightly awry, didn’t it? Ooooh! Fireworks of death! Ahhhh!) While the Main Man’s enemies accidentally murdered one another, he stood, blissfully aware of all of this, singing bad karaoke on stage! Then Lobo was stricken with a crisis of conscience. Did he leave the old lady behind and party it up? Did he break his word for the first time in his life? He walked away from his room. He didn’t get far though before he roared some obscenities and returned for his ex-teacher.

The grannies arrived planetside and saw all of the obscene peep shows and porn shops littering the surface! They now had a new mission in life! They opened fire on the buildings! This barrage destroyed the incoming fleet of the dance/theatre company! As more and more of Lobo’s enemies fell from the skies, he admired their explosive deaths, oblivious to who they were or that they were here for him in the first place! (Men! Am I right, ladies? On the sadder side of things…..all of that alien pornography…..lost forever. Sob. Shudder.) The Main Man rocketed past the carnage upon his space-hawg with his complaining passenger in back. Soon after, Vril Dox shut the door to his office and nearly jumped out of his green skin as he heard a gruff voice from behind. Turning, he saw Lobo and his legless captive. When questioned about her missing limbs, he merely replied that women were always losing one thing or another.

Lobo handed over the older Czarnian woman. Vril was then forced to admit that Lobo had done a good job. She did arrive alive after all. Mission accomplished. Satisfied with this, Lobo then marched over to Miss Tribb, took her head in his powerful arms, and snapped her neck! Dox looked at Lobo in shock! Lobo spoke in passing that no-one ever said she had to live after delivery! He laughed maniacally as he left the office. Vril Dox attempted to rub away the instant pain emanating from his temples. (Note: Only one teacher was harmed during the writing of this particular series of articles. )

End.

P.S. The aforementioned trading card. (Oddly missing the Giovanni’s Pizza grease. Go figure.) Thanks for the trade, SymbiEric. Love ya!

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag It! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 3 of 4)

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Welcome back, Unspokenites! Wow! Are we really almost done with this miniseries? That didn’t take long. I mean, I took forever to write about it, but it’s still almost done. So, what’re your thoughts on this limited series? Leave a comment so I feel all warm and special in my inside-y parts. And now, back to the story…..

To say Vril Dox was angry was an understatement! He had cleverly sent Lobo after the one person that he’d want to murder most in the galaxy, thus stoking his rage so he’d not only murder rivals of Vril’s like the police chief, but take out others of the criminal element like those Lobo-loving bikers. It was all too perfect. If he was lucky, all converging parties as well as Lobo himself would all perish. But no! Now Lobo had to turn up missing! Vril Dox wanted answers! Where in the known galaxy was the Main Man? (Brilliant scheme, but I wouldn’t poke the bear like this. Being on Lobo’s bad side is like calling out a woman on her memory. A death sentence!) Just then, the interested parties began to arrive in an asteroid field. And still, no Lobo!

Elsewhere, Lobo shakes the cobwebs from his head as he struggles to rise to his feet. Looking over, he sees the now-legless Miss Tribb in the corner of this strange room. He holds his pained head as he complains about her not warning him of this obviously hostile spacecraft. Now they had been gassed and imprisoned. This of course started a verbal battle of words that caused the duo to be gassed once again! As Lobo and Tribb lost consciousness this time, cloaked men spoke to one another. “Bee” would know what to do with their prisoners. When they both awoke once again, they found themselves on a stage! There was a sign that read “14th. Annual Orothography Commandos’ Spelling Bee”. Only cloaked monks sat in the audience. One announced it was time for the bee to begin! (Even I’m at a loss for words here…..)

But before the spelling bee could officially start, an elder monk explained to the prisoners on stage that it was their holy mission to bring correct grammar and literacy to the universe. The rules were simple: 1. Spell or die. 2. Spell correctly for your freedom. 3. No gum chewing. 4. All judge’s decisions are final. 5. And no sudden outbursts. (Well, I can definitely see killing someone over obnoxious gum chewing. Some people are annoying as hell as they smack their lips. Grrr! Pass me my meds, Mrs. Symbifan. Ahhhh! Thanks.) The competition begins. As the others spell their given words, they’re executed mercilessly for small mistakes! Lobo does great as he’s given words like “genocide” or “mutilation”. Miss Tribb of course spells her words flawlessly. This goes on until only Lobo, Tribb, and one other being are left! Sensing trouble, Lobo blows in the other alien’s oversized ear! He cries out in alarm! This means death due to sudden outburst! All that remain now are the two Czarnians. Teacher and delinquent pupil.

But the Main Man wasn’t going down without a fight. He proclaimed to the druids that this competition wasn’t fair as his opponent was once a teacher. Outraged at this, Miss Tribb retorted that yes, she was once a teacher. A teacher that he had recently mangled. The next thing he knew, Lobo awoke, suspended in chains, for the crime of harming one who would teach others! Tribb smiled gleefully! (I don’t know. I could think of some teachers from my past that deserve the chain treatment instead! Monsters!) But Lobo had had enough. As the cloaked men took aim, he broke through his chains and paid them all back in spades! He left no-one alive when all was said and done! This was almost a blessing judging by the way that they were mangled!

After Lobo and his disgruntled passenger were free and at a safe spaceport, the Main Man called Vril Dox to check in. He told his boss that they would be late as he was going to Revel-7 for some much-needed rest and relaxation. He then hung up, leaving Vril to wonder where he’d heard of that sector. Suddenly it hit him. Lobo had just given his whereabouts over an unsecured line. Not only that, but Revel-7 was a vacation planet! And when all of Lobo’s enemies arrived after hearing the news, it’d be nothing more than a planet-sized graveyard! Vril groaned. Meanwhile, on Revel-7, Miss Tribb complained like usual, but Lobo just told her to shut it for once and enjoy her Mai Tai! (I’ll take a Shirley Temple. Shaken, not stirred.)

To be concluded…..

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Frag it! We’re Doin’ Lobo! (part 2 of 4)

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Welcome back, Legions of the Unspoken! I apologize for the delay in getting part two of this series out to you. I know you’ve all been dying for the sequel. So, without further ado, I give you the Main Man himself…..

At the moment, Lobo stands outside of his door at the seediest motel in the worst part of the galaxy. He looks down at a small, yellow humanoid that he calls Gus. He warns Gus that his prisoner is within the room and that she’s to remain there while he makes a quick call. If all doesn’t go to plan, poor Gus will suffer for it. Oddly enough, Gus agrees with a smile. Lobo walks past him and locates the nearest communication device. He rings the bell at the front desk impatiently. The clerk appears shortly with an attitude. Seconds later, Lobo uses the communicator with the rude clerk’s blood still drying on his fists! (Let’s take this moment to appreciate Lobo’s act of mercy here. His calming meditation classes are really paying off! After all, he didn’t torture the guy before gutting him.)

Within moments, the Main Man is patched through to Vril Dox at L.E.G.I.O.N headquarters. Lobo complains about having to constantly check in on this god-awful mission. This is ignored while Dox repeats once again that the prisoner is to remain alive. He then terminates the call. Lobo suddenly spies an angry man standing next to him. The man complains that others need to use the phone too. Lobo walks away a moment later, fresh blood dripping from his hook. (Okay. So maybe the classes aren’t working that splendidly.) He returns to his room only to see that Gus is no longer standing guard outside! Lobo kicks in the door and scans the room. Empty! Cursing, he heads out in search of the foolish duo. Meanwhile, on Oneida VI, the local law enforcement agency plan the Last Czarnian’s demise for his recent murder of one of their officers! At that precise moment, the thugs from the diner the night before plot their own revenge as they search for Lobo and his elderly prisoner as well!

Following their trail, he locates them at a nearby ballet! Grumbling, Lobo enters the audience. Looking down from a higher vantage point, he spy’s them in the crowd. Lobo yells downwards at the unlikely pair but his voice is drowned out. Gus looks to Miss Tribb and exclaims how excited he is for Lobo to arrive. He had no idea that he liked dancing so much until the former school teacher told him so. (Fool! The old lady’s playing you, Gus! Let’s have a preemptive moment of silence for poor old Gus.) The ballet begins with automatic machine gun fire and heads being lopped off by chainsaws! Miss Tribb exclaims that she had no idea that this show was going to be so violent. Lobo stops to admire the carnage on stage before dropping from the balcony! He lands right atop Gus’s small form, crushing the smaller being to paste! (No! Gusssss!!!) Lobo grabs Tribb by the hair and begins to drag her through the crowd. That’s when he notices the audience cheering him!

Lobo ignores all of this, however. That is until a single bullet whizzes by his ear! He turns slowly and sees that the performers on stage are aiming their many weapons right at him! They’re actually angry that they’ve just been upstaged! Lobo pushes Miss Tribb away and approaches the angry dancers. What happens next is pure, unhinged violence at its best. The dancers attack the Main Man with everything they’ve got, but using just his hook, Lobo stands triumphant at the end! A pile of mangled performer corpses lies piled hehind him as he walks away, Miss Tribb thrown over his shoulder! (You don’t mess with stage nerds. They always be packin’!) The audience applauds as he strolls out of the theatre, a grin on his face. Elsewhere, the Sons of Lobo biker gang have overheard the diner ruffians discuss harming their idol! They fly off in search of the coming bloodbath. In a different sector of space, the police are waiting for Lobo to pass by them themselves. As the last factions prepare, the angry grannies approach the same spot within their titanic warship!

Later, Lobo and Miss Tribb fly through space upon Lobo’s space hawg. Tribb’s legs seem to be amputated! She scolds the Main Man for overreacting and states that she’ll just regenerate her missing limbs. Lobo replies that at least she can’t run off for a little while. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N headquarters, Vril Dox stares at a large viewing screen that shows all of the converging parties with Lobo right in the middle! He smiles as he whispers that everything’s going exactly to plan!

To be continued…..