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90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Hark the Heralds (part 5 of 6)

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Here it is, folks! Coming straight to you from my bathroom as I sit upon my porcelain throne, part five of six is completed in my comprehensive look back at the Silver Surfer: “Herald Ordeal” epic! (Guys, I’m starting to think I have stomach issues…..) Now, on with the story!

Terrax sat upon a large rock on the nearly barren world, seething in hatred. He had been exiled here not so long ago by his hated enemy, the Silver Surfer. He’d lost track of how long he’d been trapped here alone. But as he saw it, the longer his time here, the sweeter his revenge would be. As he was lost in thought, a familiar voice called out to him from behind. Turning, he saw the very person he was just imagining ripping limb from limb, the Surfer himself! And he wasn’t alone. He had three other ex-Heralds of Galactus with him! (Why am I not overly confident that Terrax will join up without a fight? This is a comic book though. Characters throw down, destroying whole city blocks, over lesser things like being shorted one McNugget sauce packet.) The Silver Surfer began by asking to make a bargain. But the Surfer barely said another word before Terrax answered with a mighty blow to the cosmic hero’s face!

The Surfer had hoped to bypass all of this. Very well. If Terrax wouldn’t listen of his own free will, he would be forced to. He ordered his companions to encircle and attack! Firelord and Air-Walker struck first, each grabbing one of Terrax’s mighty arms. But he used his superior strength to smash the two into one another, taking them momentarily out of the game! He then grabbed for a weapon. Finding a long stone, he snapped it out of the ground and formed a club. Terrax swung this new weapon at Nova’s beautiful face! But Firelord had regained his strength and blocked this blow with his flaming staff! Firelord threw Terrax to the ground where Air-Walker punched their foe in the face with all of his mechanical might! But this wasn’t enough. Terrax threw Air-Walker into an unsuspecting Firelord, taking the two male beings out of the fight once again! (Well, things seem to be going rather smashingly. That is if you’re talking about Terrax smashing Firelord and Air-Walker together like cymbals! Where’s the Surfer in all of this anyway? One pimp-slap and the dude’s off crying somewhere?)

Terrax then quickly spun around to use his club to block an energy blast that he’d expected from behind from Nova! He beat the ground between them quickly, knocking loose rubble that struck Nova and blinded her! He then stood over her and swung downwards, ready to cave in her firey skull! But instead, he struck the Silver Surfer’s hovering surfboard! A hand then grabbed the monster’s head from behind, spun him around, and the Surfer uppercut him with all of his power, knocking Terrax sailing through the air! (About damn time! I mean, wussy move, but at least it was a move. Man, where’s Wolverine when you need a manly fight to read about? Sigh…..) Terrax rose moments later. He backed towards an enormous drop-off with only crashing waves and stone to break his fall! He would not be imprisoned. He’d take his own life first! The Surfer merely stated that this would only stun Terrax and they’d have words anyway. Sighing, Terrax begrudgingly agreed to listen.

(Damn! Was it me, or did that at all remind you of the alleyway brawl in the cult classic film, “They Live”? Just put on the damn glasses already! Jeez!) It was then that the Silver Surfer told the tale of the newest and most bloodthirsty Herald of Galactus, Morg. Terrax seemed unfazed by this tale. After all, anyone who could frighten his own enemy to this degree was fine by him. What was in it for him to join these do-gooders? What did he care? Perhaps if he was granted his freedom from this accursed rock? The Surfer thought on it and then, against his allies’ wishes, he agreed. But first, Terrax demanded that they find his cosmic axe that was cast into an asteroid field when he was taken here. Again, the Surfer agreed. And so off into deep space the former Heralds journeyed in search of Terrax’s deadly weapon.

When they finally located the large asteroid in which the Surfer thought he had thrown the axe not so long ago, the Heralds all split up in search of the item. It was Air-Walker that located it with his superior sensors. Terrax took his mighty axe in his hands and smiled a fiendish smile. Nova and the Silver Surfer walked a bit away from the others, discussing strategy. As they did, Terrax slowly advanced behind them, bladed weapon raised to strike! Nova suddenly saw this and cried out to the hero to duck! But the Surfer calmly turned instead, questioning if Terrax was quite done. Terrax scoffed and replied that yes, he was done finding the balance to his long-lost cosmic axe. Now they could all leave this place and bring the fight to Morg! Hell had better make room for a new arrival, because this particular madman’s days were officially numbered now!

To be concluded…..

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Hark the Heralds (part 4 of 6)

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Why has there never been an ongoing comic series spotlighting the many Heralds of Galactus on awesome, cosmic adventures? There have been a few specials here and there, sure. But never an ongoing series. I mean, Marvel will release comics about every single Spider-Person in the known multiverse, but this can’t be a thing? Fools. What a missed opportunity. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. Now that I’m done with my rant, I really should exit my bathroom …..

Our cosmic epic continues with the mighty Silver Surfer lying on the ground with zero body movement. Smoke rises from where he was recently fired upon by a nameless brute! Can he truly be dead? (I hope not! I’ve still got two more parts to write after this one, and I can’t imagine them being very exciting with the main character being dead! Wait! You ever seen the movie, “Weekend at Bernie’s”? Now, hear me out…..) Nova morns the Surfer, hands caressing his wound and tears flowing down her energized face. Suddenly, the Silver Surfer turns his face to look at her and asks if the large creature is gone yet! She confirms that he is gone as she stammers her reply in shock. He stands then, completely unharmed in the slightest! When questioned, he merely states that it was the quickest way to force the nuisance to leave him and the others alone without hurting him!

Firelord seems unphazed with this scene, but Nova remains beside herself in shock for a moment longer. Finally, she proclaims how sorry she is for the Silver Surfer and Firelord to have to go so far out of their way just to find her. She’s not sure where her memory went after leaving Galactus’ side, but the thought of the Surfer’s murder seems to have shocked her back into reality. (What an ass move on the Surfer’s part. Who pretends to be dead just to avoid other people? So childish. I just pass gas, personally. It seems to do the trick.) The three former Heralds then fly free of the planet’s atmosphere and the Surfer asks Nova for her aid against this new, psychotic Herald, Morg. She quickly agrees. But will they truly be enough? The male beings in her company seem confident. But first, how to locate Galactus’ cloaked ship? Firelord speaks up. He knows someone that can find it for them easily. Unfortunately, he’s dead and buried!

A short time later, the trio stands, looking downward at the rocky ground around them. Firelord knew this man. He was once a Herald of Galactus as well. His name was Gabriel Lan, but he was better known as Air-Walker. Firelord had buried him here because this asteroid belt was close to where the home world they both had shared once was, before its destruction. Air-Walker died soon afterwards. Firelord had heard that his friend’s consciousness had later been transferred into an android body, but this form had perished too, this time at the hands of the Asgardian, Thor. As Firelord told this tale to the others, he was continually digging. Soon, he had the robotic corpse uncovered. (Why the hell would you bury a robot? What’s the point? That’s like having a funeral and burial for a broken toaster. Ah, Toasty. How I miss your delicious toast. Sob.) Firelord lifted the android from its resting place and opened a hatch on the back. He began to remove parts from within its broken shell.

Soon, Firelord stood and produced three objects in his right hand. He had removed them from Air-Walker’s back cavity. He explained that they were cosmic cells. They were what powered the robot. Perhaps, if the three of the concentrated a portion of their cosmic energies into them and they were replaced, Air-Walker would live again! It was worth a shot. They needed all of the help they could get. Each taking a cell in their hands, the three did this. And when the three components were sufficiently charged, Firelord returned them and waited. Nothing happened at first. Then, a hand began to tremble! Then, the robotic body of Air-Walker sat up and lept to his feet! But before anything could be said to him, the former Herald attacked with empowered fists, speaking in broken sentences as he did so! Apparently, his mind had been damaged, and now he had a portion of all three ex-Heralds’ powers! This was going from bad to much, much worse very quickly! (Does it ever tick you off that they’re really aren’t prizes inside cereal or Crackerjack boxes anymore? Not sure why I’m writing this in the middle of a Silver Surfer article, but I say we fight back, America! Give us back our cheap, crappy toys!)

The Silver Surfer and Nova attacked from the front, but were easily dispatched by Air-Walker’s blasts! Though it saddened Firelord, he fired a shot from his fire staff at full power! But from the flames and debris, Air-Walker still approached his prey! His armor and flesh had been burned away, leaving only his robotic form beneath! He stammered once again, though a bit more clearly this time. He would kill them all! (Insert “Terminator” music here with Sarah Conner describing the scene in a monotone voice.) Meanwhile, across the Universe, Morg burst from the mystical waters of the world he had doomed to Galactus’ unending hunger. He was even more powerful than when he had originally entered the well. He could feel it in every fiber of his powerful frame as he flew off to meet his master. When he reached Galactus’ ship, the god knew his minion had been altered. He could sense how much more powerful he had become. This made him question his Herald’s loyalties. Morg assured him that his loyalty was absolute. Satisfied, Galactus ordered Morg to find him another suitable world to devour.

Meanwhile, the battle with Air-Walker continued upon the asteroid. Though the Surfer and Nova took their shots, they were blasted away from the fight! This gave the robot time to concentrate on Firelord! But as the mechanical monstrosity was choking the life from him, he suddenly stopped. He then spoke Firelord’s true name, Pyreus Kril! He remembered his friend at last! Obviously upset for what he had done, Air-Walker pleaded for forgiveness and help in regaining his memory. Firelord lay a comforting hand on his shoulder and swore he would see to it. But, if he could first help them in locating Galactus’ cloaked ship? Right away, the android knew where it was located! Firelord was ready to take the fight to Morg right this very moment. The Silver Surfer, however, was more calm and calculating. They would need one final bit of help if they were to succeed against Morg. They would need the aid of, until now, Galactus’ most feared Herald, Terrax!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

Hark the Heralds (part 3 of 6)

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Okay, so we’ve gone over only a small fraction of this cosmic tale so far. And there’s plenty more to come, Unspokenites! So, Shall we just skip my mad ramblings this time and jump right into part 3 of the “Herald Ordeal”? Yes? Awesome! This story was originally printed in “Silver Surfer” #72 for those interested. Now, without further ado, on with the show…..(Don’t want to hear my fascinating musings…..mumble…..grumble…..my mommy thinks I’m cool…..)

The Silver Surfer and Firelord’s search for Nova takes them to a filthy, crime-ridden world known as Calculex. As the duo land, they are immediately approached by a feline female that offers her services as a tour guide…..plus much more. (That means she’s a hooker for those of you not picking up on the subtle clues.) The Surfer stammers shyly that they will not be in need of her services. Firelord on the other hand uses this opportunity for info. He explains that his friend is merely shy but he is looking for a particular girl. The female creature nods after Firelord gives a brief description of Nova. She points to a nearby building. They both quickly leave while their “guide” shouts in the background about how she was not paid for her services. The two seem to be oblivious to this and their surroundings in general as they both walk directly into the muscled frame of an angered brute!

It seems that this mountain of an alien has heard of the infamous Silver Surfer and wants a duel with him in order to grow his own reputation. A confused Surfer politely declines. Confused beyond words, the alien stands there baffled. He exclaims that, now that the gauntlet has been thrown, the duel must commence. Firelord looks up into the beast’s face and roars for the creature to leave. The Surfer has refused. Story over. They then leave the behemoth scratching his head is disbelief as they continue their search for Nova. (Remember the moral here kids, Bullies, though they’re often much bigger than you, often have brains no larger than your average rabbit’s poop pellets. Join me here again for more interesting facts.) As the two former Heralds continue towards their destination, they realize what this establishment is, an intergalactic strip joint!

Entering the sleazy building, they are met with beaded curtains and loud music. Moving the beads aside, it takes no time to locate her. Nova is on stage, dancing sensually around a pole as other female dancers follow suit. (Bet you didn’t see that coming! Kind of takes the piss out of it though since Nova’s always technically naked anyway. Sigh.) The two cosmic beings stand there, transfixed. They mention he name loudly but there’s no recognition in her eyes to her own name or of the Silver Surfer or Firelord. The Surfer ponders that perhaps her being dismissed from Galactus’ service has broken her mind. Tired of this scene, the Surfer walks up on stage and seizes Nova, picking her up to carry her away from this place. As Nova protests, he and Firelord are stopped from their retreat by the same titan from earlier! And boy, oh boy, does he look angry!

Elsewhere, Morg finishes his transmission with Galactus and looks about the bloodstained scene around him. Stepping over corpses, he approaches one of the world’s denizens that’s still breathing. Morg demands to know what’s in the cave that his comrades died to protect. The creature will not speak, so Morg throws him aside and kills him. He then enters the cave and spies an old one, meditating. Once again, he demands to know the purpose of this place. This ancient being will not reveal anything either, until Morg promises that he will allow he and the remaining group of his people to live in exchange for information. The alien elder agrees. He tells of the Well of Life, a sacred pool in which his people used to drink from or bathe within to evolve from neanderthals and ultimately create the peaceful utopia that was spread throughout this planet. Morg seemed intrigued. So it was power. He throws the old man aside and slowly walked into the pool until he disappeared within. (Don’t worry, folks. I bet Morg just wants the knowledge to build a theme park for this planet’s kiddies. I can just see it now: “Uncle Morg’s Well World, the deadliest place for kids since Chuck E. Cheese!”)

Back at the strip club, the gigantic alien thug reaches for the Silver Surfer, not to be denied his duel this time around. But a table smashes to pieces over his head as a bar fight has broken out around him. Firelord and the Surfer use this distraction to carry the protesting Nova towards the door. But before reaching the exit, and the freedom beyond, Silver Surfer is stopped once more by the titanic alien creature. He demands that the two of them fight right now. Tired of this annoyance, the Surfer agrees. Both beings power up their fists with energy. But the Surfer seems to be just slow enough on the draw that he’s hit directly in the chest by the other’s attack! Smoke rises from the wound as he lies limply on the floor! Nova’s memory is sparked by her friend’s life being in mortal danger! She cries out his name in horror, but the Silver Surfer is unresponsive…..(Now she remembers him?! Ugh! Women!)

To be continued…..