Violence Begets Cheesecake-by Angel Hayes

It’s the mid-90’s.

I am a little girl trapped in a mid-south state.

I want to grow up and become an X-Man.

We go to a comic book shop that was once obviously the waiting room and at least one patient’s room of a dentist’s office.

It’s brown on brown on gray. Even the roof is brown with a design that smacks of 1976 and it’s staying that way.

But this place that smells of indoor outdoor carpet, this is my heaven.

Long folding tables line every available wall leaving only a small trail for foot traffic. Every table contains as many long boxes that will fit upon it, with even more boxes underneath.

Meticulously, alphabetically ordered, the white boxes somehow make the brown walls and gray floors even more unsaturated.

However, not more so than the special comics that line the walls. Beautiful bursts of color in a convenient rectangular 6 7/8″ x 10 1/2″ in size. Like doors to other universes, I gazed at them in awe.

There above the second doorway from the entrance was a portrait of everything my little heart feared and adored…

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Something terrifying and beautiful clutched at my soul. The foil shimmer reflected the yellowed light fixture only a foot away. That dark red blood…the beautiful matching letters above. This amazingly gimmicky cover grabbed the hand of that little girl and never let go.

Now that nostalgia has reared its ugly but beautiful-to-you head the meat (or rather blood) of the matter begins.

Vengeance of Vampirella #1 – Harris Comics 1994

No delicious sugar-coating, this comic is mediocre at best. It lives in my heart forever as the first comic I bought with my own saved money. Also, the first comic I ever bought based on cover alone (though not the last.)

This is the 90’s – gimmicky comic covers were everyone’s bread and butter. This one was no exception. Holographic foil blood form a pool for Vampirella to sit in and lounge while having a snack for good measure.

This cover is beautiful…In fact, let’s look at again.

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I’m glad her collar could stay that white. Thanks, Clagon.

On page two we get a standard WHY WE ARE DOING THIS letter that seems customary whenever a comic line is revived or taken to a new arc.

A lot is said of showing Vampirella as a fearsome hunter instead of the Cheesecake Horror damsel that most know her as.

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In the 90’s big muscles led to bad ass action ladies. There was little hope for princesses unless they had a Mohawk or wielded a gun.

What would be in store for this new bad ass (more bad ass?) Vampirella?

A lot of awkward caption boxes and multicultural people at a movie theater.

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I’m still confused by the hunt being somehow unnatural for her.

But this is the 90’s so we’re here for the sexy sexy.

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Check out that awesome finger reaching above the panel.

This is Vampirella, so of course there is no shortage of blood. From the cover to the first true action panel this is a blood bath…hence why she needed the pool on the cover.

From here we get to the first splash page, so purple Lord of the Rings extra didn’t get sliced up for just any old thing at least.

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I adore a good splash page.

This is our first glimpse of the NEW Vampirella we’ve been hearing so much from in the caption panels. She looks relatively the same as the one we all know and love (some of us a little too much).

I really love the facial expression here. The awesome crop jacket is just a bonus.

I’m still not sure why they would choose Charles Dickens for commentary. Oliver Twist had vampires in it, right?

I feel the need to point out the amazing job titles on this project.

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It reads like the production assistants on Elvira’s Movie Macabre or a Simpson’s Halloween episode

The title of this lovely story is Bloodshed. Kudos, they picked a theme and stuck with it.

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The next few panels feature what we love best – sexy violence, breaking the laws of psychics and biology with a street fighter-style kick, and bosom knives.

After a few more cheap M. Bison moves, Rella gets her LotR extra just where she wants him and delivers the killing blow. The bright red-orange using for the sanguine spray is an awesome contrast to the purple skin of our villain. It’s especially needed since the background has also turned shades of purple.

As you can see the Troll was obviously not the big baddie (When are they ever? HELLO, SAURON!!??).

The next pages deal with the Vampirella version of the Legion of Doom. It’s basically a D&D party with a Terminator… No, really…

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In issue #114 Vampirella saves John Connor.

So like all big baddies (or good sports teams in movies) they bring in a ringer… Meet Hemorrhage.

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Words alone cannot express how ridiculous that pose is. Also, no nipples.

He looks like your typical villain.

Leather pants, no shirt, scar on the face, smokes cigarettes, no nipples.

We’ve seen it before. No reason to fear. Hell, the wonder twins’ Gleek could probably handle this, right?

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Blood horses….Yup….

Two pages that to this day freak my shit my out.

Apparently this no nips villain is just extra out there. Wanting to carry on with the blood theme they’ve worked so hard on and bring the new Vampirella out with a bang, Harris Comics made this asshole.

I’ll admit his power is pretty cool. The things you can do to display it artistically brings this comic over towards the actual macabre, adding the horror elements that Vampirella needs.

The sanguine spray (I am loving that phrase) in this last pages has left behind the orange and went for a more pink hue, undoubtedly wanting to make the victim seems more innocent, more human than our Sauron serving baddie from earlier.

 The next few pages show Rella having a tiff with her hunky, soap opera (complete with five o’clock shadow) boyfriend, Adam, wherein one panel has her channeling a Cher music video.

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She’s a vampire – why does she need to turn back time?

A few more soap opera scenes, this time where they make up and she changes from Cher to a Luis Royo Painting.

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The year Vampirella went blonde.

The next few pages have Hemorrhage fighting D&D Legion of Doom’s token Werewolf. It’s pretty gruesome, and let’s just say he basically suffocates on his own blood until he’s shot. In fact, that’s exactly what happens.

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The Short Version.

The next few pages have an old man we haven’t met yet drinking Scotch. (That may be one of the best sentences I’ve ever typed.) He reminiscences on some adventures that Vampirella has had involving killing Dracula.

Then there’s some time for Rella to reflect on what’s she doing and where’s she going, all the while breaking biology once again and having some kind of mind meld with herself.

 waht

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The next page has some panels that show Hemorrhage tracking Vampirella to Old Man Scotch’s living room. While killing a dog. So yeah. This guy wins No Nips Asshole of the Year. The only good thing on these two pages is Rella packing a green sweater crop top. Because crop tops forever.

Now there’s a big ass blood beast made from human and dog blood and some kissy face makeup with Rella and Adam. We call her Rella cause Adam gets to, and we are WAY cooler than Adam with his daytime drama award.

The last two pages end with an action and “Action” page followed by Old Man Scotch and his blood beast buddy.

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Old Man Scotch has some problems…also, breaking windows for no reason rules.

So begins Vengeance of Vampirella. She’s supposed to be all hardcore now, but for me she’s the same just ordered backwards – Violence Begets Cheesecake now.

Thanks for the indulgence of sharing this blood bath with you as my first post.

Angel Eena

P.S. Since you made it to the end with me, I’ll give you the same gift Vengeance of Vampirella did at the very end

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You cheeky monkeys.

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When the King Was Topps!!-Bombast #1

When The King Was Topps

The last installment of The Unspoken Decade focused on one of the primary architects of the Marvel Universe, Stan Lee, returning to the playground of comic books in the 1990’s with at best mixed results, and at worst, a bad comic book.  This time, let’s go to the other (some would say only) primary creator of the 1960’s Marvel Universe, THE KING JACK KIRBY!!!!!

I have always been a Kirby fan, even when I had no idea who Jack Kirby was, what he had done in comics, and how he had gotten screwed over left and right by the companies he had deigned to make rich with what may very well be the greatest imagination of all time, or at least the 20th century.  I was first exposed to his work in the comics, Kamandi and Super Powers.  I didn’t know that was Kirby art then of course; I just knew that I liked what was going on.

When I got heavily into comics in 1992, Jack Kirby’s name was one of the first I learned.  As I stated last time around, I intensely study the history of my interests partly to sate my insane curiosity and partly to have tons of inane facts so that I can annoy the folks around me.   Then again, if I hadn’t gone on and on to my girlfriend about Gangbuster, WHO WOULD HAVE?  Basically, I’m a hero and deserve a mention in a Budweiser commercial.

I learned all of the things that most of the folks reading this blog totally already know, and by most of you I mean everyone except you, Brandi Burgess Battles, which is that Kirby was at the helm of the creation of some of the most memorable, loved, and recognized characters in superheroes, such as Captain America, Sandman, The Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Avengers, Nick Fury, the New Gods, and many more.  He’s also one of the very few entities in any medium of which I am aware that actually lived up to his hype.  He’s as good as we think.

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(Don’t let the big-headed vampire distract you from the fact that Jack Kirby created were-lions as well, and one is about to devour Jimmy Olsen.)

Don’t feel bad; I looked at that cover about 5 times before I saw the Were-Lion.  That’s sort of the thing about Kirby, though; no matter how much I look at Kirby’s work, I just cannot help but keep looking at it.  His art works as an entire entity that is larger than life, but one can also just stare endlessly at a nook or a corner and dwell upon the minutest of details and the beauty of its nuances.  Just in case you don’t get it yet, I love Jack Kirby, so here’s another cover.

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(I think either Briggadoom or Paradise Prison would have been worth 25 cents, but you’re getting both here for the same quarter!  Everything was better in the 70’s.)

                By the time I was getting heavily into comics, Jack Kirby was more or less done as a regular creator.  I would hear of his greatness, and I was able to see a few pieces of Kirby’s works via reprint or in an original or two hanging on the wall at The Paperchase (LCS).  I was entranced with their copy of Captain America’s Bicentennial Battles.  Maybe one day I will spring for that treasury edition.

But before this becomes Longbox Graveyard, let’s get back to the 90’s.  Two years deep into my heavy collecting days, Topps Comics launched the Kirbyverse.  I couldn’t believe it.  Topps was one of my older loves.  I grew up a hardcore baseball fan, and I still deeply love baseball to this day.  I used to buy baseball cards every summer and Topps was one of the companies that made cards, so they and I were old pals.  They had made some comics that I wasn’t interested in up until that time, including an adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  I had the first issue of that, and I am unsure why I had such a boring adaptation of such a boring movie.

Then something exciting came!  THE KIRBYVERSE!  Although Kirby wasn’t going to do much art besides a few covers and some of Satan’s Six, I didn’t care.  These were Kirby’s concepts, man!  If anyone could deliver grand concepts on a larger-than-life scale, it was Kirby!  How did they do?

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(Sometimes I sing “Kirbychrome” to the tune of “Kodachrome.”)

The Secret City Saga centered around an idea that there was an ancient society that was based on organic technology.  This society was that of The Ninth Men, and it was destroyed by an apocalypse.  Modern 90’s society, the society of the Tenth Men, could be saved by putting a few of the toughest and best heroes of that day into pods and then allowing them to emerge at the right time to prevent that cataclysm from occurring again.  Sort of like Terminator, but in reverse.  Of course, some power players from The Ninth Men decide to save themselves as well in order to conquer The Tenth Men.

Three heroes, Captain Glory, Night Glider, and our hero of the day (90’S METALLICA ARGUMENT BEGIN PLEASE) Bombast!

First thing, I love how Bombast looks!  He may not be as cool as I believe him to be, but I am a sucker for the Helmet Shades combo, as popularized in my 1980’s world by GI Joes Thunder and Sci-Fi.

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(He’s sort of doing the Norm MacDonald “Note to Self” thing.)

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(I wonder if his helmet has the 1986 equivalent of Google Glasses in it.)

                Bombast’s story begins with an Earthquake striking Chicago, which LITERALLY CAUSES A RIFT between a young man and his crack dealers.  How do I know they’re crack dealers?  He thanks said rift for saving him from said crack dealers!

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(Notice how in tune Roy Thomas [plot] and Gary Friedrich [script] are with young 90’s African-Americans.  I can hear it now. “Spike Lee makes the movies the young black folks like!”)

                You can’t also help but see the use of “Yo Momma” as some sort of interjection, when even a young white man who lived in rural Arkansas then knew that this was an insult.  I do have to agree with the assessment that quiet white dudes are pretty cool, which is basically an admission that I am uncool because I am a LOUD white dude.  Caps so you know just how LOUD I can be.

Next page, ACTION!

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(It’s good that these two cannot understand one another because I am pretty sure that the yet to be named young man would take offense to being called “brown man.”)

                The picture on the left above isn’t done by Kirby, but there is a smidge of that magic of motion that Kirby had there.  I do appreciate that Bombast does not emerge from that pod speaking English easily.  That’s a nice touch that makes for fun misunderstandings.  Heck, even if he knew a word or two of English, that would still make for fun misunderstandings.  I mean we have all seen Perfect Strangers, right?

I just made a Perfect Strangers joke; dude, I’m old.

Bombast emerges from the pit, kind enough to let us know on his way up that carrying the yet to be named man is easy because he has “arms genetically engineered for superhuman strength!”  Bombast sees the new world and is dismayed because it is mechanical instead of organic.  Speaking of mechanical instead of organic, our subplot with the yet to be named young man against his crack dealers continues, with two good things coming out of it.  We learn this young man’s name is Darren, and we also get this:

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(“You Can Stay in Your Jammies Forever” is what I will now say when threatening people.)

                Bombast then starts to attempt to make his way in the 90’s world, where he is almost hit by a car.  Insulted, he does the only obvious thing he can, and tosses a rock to plug its tailpipe.  Since this is Chicago, someone in a hat who appears to be a baseball scout makes mention that he plugged the tailpipe at 100 yards, and it was lefty!  Of course, the driver of the car isn’t down with that.  Baseball Scout guy, instead of attempting to help, remarks that Bombast “better punch as good as he throws!”  All the commotion brings in Chicago’s own Super-Cop, The Savage Dragon!

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(Baseball Scout guy not only is weirdly invested in Bombast having only just seen him, but he also seems creepily concerned when the ginger guy punches Bombast.)

                One of the reasons I chose this comic from the Secret City Saga first (I do plan to do them all someday!) was this appearance.  The Savage Dragon is still going strong today, but he started with Image Comics when the biggest names in comics broke off from Marvel to found their own company where they would all own their own characters.  Little epitomizes the 1990’s in comic books, particularly superhero comics, more than the Image Comics logo.

Now obviously we are going to go deep into Image Comics during The Unspoken Decade, but for now the important thing to focus on is the fact that Erik Larsen owned Savage Dragon, not Image Comics.  That made is easy for Savage Dragon to appear here, as there was little red tape to clear; they just had to ask Erik.

Dragon makes quite a mark here, as he absolutely dominates Bombast in a fight.  Bombast throws everything possible at Dragon, who takes it all with little pause and wallops Bombast.  Bombast bounds away by crossing a drawbridge.

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(I’d actually like to see Baseball Scout guy and Bombast’s adventures.  Re-open Topps Comics, please.)

                I also like two more things about the above page.  The getting away by jumping that bridge is a nice little nod to Blues Brothers, set in Chicago, and the lady in the last panel that is so creeped out by guys in costumes THAT IT TURNS HER ON is my new hero of the day. (90’S METALLICA ARGUMENTS END)

Bombast keeps on trucking though, and he even manages to learn a lesson that we all learned as young children:  how to cross the damn street.

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(I feel like the blind guy is a beatnik, and I wish Topps had done a series about his adventures. FOR MATURE READERS ONLY.)

                After mastering the nuances of being a pedestrian, Bombast decided to turn himself in to the police because he thinks they may “represent authority” here.  That’s funny because Dragon had a cop uniform earlier and he just slugged Dragon.  These white cops, though, are apparently safe to go with.  Between his denoting Darren “brown skin” and the disparity between his treatment of Dragon and the white cops, I am thinking Bombast may have subscribed to some questionable literature when he was with The Ninth Men back in the day.

The jaunt to the cop shop though is interrupted by a cyborg who speaks the same language as Bombast!

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(I’m not sure how seriously you can take a promise not to be harmed from a guy named Death Flash.)

                Death Flash and Bombast chat, and Death Flash drops the bomb (OH HAI PUN) that The Ninth Men who rose when he did plan to take the world over from the Tenth Men and remake it in the image of The Ninth Men.  You’d think Bombast would be totally down with this, what with his hatred of cars and technology, but instead Bombast stays true blue to the cause that gave him that great helmet and those sweet specs and fights Death Flash off.  Death Flash then engages in one of the oddest strategies I have ever seen.

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(I am unsure why Bombast wants to find more Ninth Men; the only one he has met tried to kill him.)

                Death Flash for whatever reason has decided that the best way to win a fight that one could easily win is to RUN THE HELL AWAY.  Whoever wrote The Art of War during the reign of The Ninth Men was not ¼ as good as Sun Tzu.  Bombast bounds away from the cops, and even though he doesn’t seem to need any help, Darren opts to help him anyhow and spouts off some banter at the cop that makes me love him unconditionally.

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(Darren is unlucky he tried to trip the world’s most coordinated cop, who somehow caught her gun and grabbed him MID-FALL.)

                Seriously, that line about his mother calling him grace made me laugh in 1992, made me laugh every time I would flip through it again, and I chortled again.  This is the moment of the comic for me.

UNTIL A BIG SUPER-HERO FIGHT AT THE END!

                I don’t know why I like to see heroes fight so much.  I mean, I want them to team up too, but they have got to fight first.  If that doesn’t tell you I am a Marvel guy, then perhaps I should just start a website with just my picture on it called IamaMarvelGuy.info.  The Marvel formula is on display here at the end of Bombast, and that is only fitting as Kirby helped concoct said formula.

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(Captain Glory looks sort of like he is doing the twist as he separates them.  That’s Secret City Style right there.)

                That’s where our story ends for now!  All in all, I liked this.  I have certainly read better comics, but the zeal and the design of Kirby still shine through a bit even when other people are doing it.  Now, this is no masterpiece, but it does feature a promise and sheen not seen in Stan Lee’s Ravage 2099, so for those of you eternally enmeshed in the Kirby vs. Lee debate, it would seem that Kirby won the 90’s.

Sadly, Kirby would not live much longer.  After he passed, I named a calf after him because we had cattle and I was white trash and white trash do things like that.  That calf grew into one ornery cow, which seems appropriate for the King, whose creativity and sense of wonder knew no bounds.

One thing that was striking and that I made note of here frequently was the stark difference between how black characters were treated as recently as the 90’s and now.  I don’t think the creators here were trying to be racist so much as they came from a different era when terms were different and acceptable terms then are abhorrent now.  We still have a long way to go on that front, but we’re getting there.  Look at the big change in about 20 years.  Amazing.

Next week, my sister, Angel Hayes, will be doing a guest blog on Bad Girls of the 90’s!  I’ve conned her into doing a guest blog once a month, so get used to her voice too!  I will be back in two weeks with a look at Punisher:  War Zone!!!!!

You Can’t Go Home Again to the House of Ideas-Ravage 2099

     When I was a young man just entering into the world of superheroes in a heavy manner, I soaked up as much information as I could about them as quickly as possible.  That is just how I am when it comes to the various passions that dominate my life.  I can’t just be a Kansas Jayhawks Men’s Basketball fan; I must learn all about how James Naismith (the creator of the game of basketball) was their coach and how they’ve dominated through the years.  I don’t just like the Kansas City Royals; I have learned all about their glory days under the leadership of George Brett and the depth to which they have plummeted over the last 12 years.  (Winning season last year though-WATCH OUT!)  I am not just an anarchist; I have pored over tomes by Alexander Berkman, Noam Chomsky, Voltairne De Cleyre, Colin Ward, and the like.  I also like telling everyone around me about this information, hence this blog.

      So 7th grade me, being much more boisterous and devoid of tact than I am these days, could not stop blabbing on and on about how THE STAN LEE was returning to Marvel Comics on a brand new creation of his, Ravage 2099!

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(Foil Covers of the 90’s were HOT COLLECTOR’S ITEMS!  I bet every person reading this blog is a retired billionaire from selling their collection of foil covers!)

 

Marvel 2099 was a fantastic concept to me at the time, and to be honest, I am still enamored of the concept to this day.  The idea of presenting a dystopian future Marvel Universe dominated by technocrats and a surveillance state completely permeated by a fascist security force fascinates me.  Am I describing the 2099 universe or the goings on in our country and world today?  Here’s a hint; it’s both, with Marvel 2099 being at least slightly more fun and decidedly less open to eroding your civil liberties.

All kidding aside, I was totally all in with the 2099 line.  They gave us Spider-Man 2099, which holds up to this day and will be covered sometime here in the future.  Punisher 2099 was a must for me, seeing as how Punisher was, is, and always be my favorite character.  That title is batshit crazy in the best possible way, and I can’t wait to share my love of it with everyone.  Of course, savvy readers know that Chris Sims at Comics Alliance has already delved deeply into the decidedly brain-bending adventures of Jake Gallows, but we’ll go look on him again.  Doom 2099 was also released with the first wave of 2099 titles, and I would not care for it for its few issues, but it wound up being one of the best uses of a villain as a title character in superhero history.  Of course, seeing as how most super-villain titles are about as enjoyable as the restroom at the Greyhound Station in Saint Louis I am unsure how high that praise is.

What excited me most about the 2099 line though was the fact that STAN LEE himself would be the awesome author!  The Wonderful Wordsmith!  The Scintillating Scribe of Script!!!

But he was actually just the WRONG WRITER!

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(Not the first or most wrong thing Stan Lee has ever done though.)

     Seriously, I could not possibly convey to you how completely overcome by the level of excitement I had for me getting to read Stan Lee original work!  Finally, I would share that same sense of wonder and amazement that young men my age had gotten to feel in 1963 as they sauntered to the spinner rack at their local drug store to pick up the characters Stan Lee co-created like Fantastic Four! Spider-Man!  The X-Men!  I think part of me then thought that Stan Lee deserved his face not just on Mount Rushmore, but that someone should take a laser like Chippendale Chairface had in The Tick and carve Stan Lee’s visage into the moon.

                Remember me prattling on during the first paragraph of my blog about things you don’t care about but I care passionately about that I am trying not to bring up again here?  (ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!  Win the Tournament Guys!)  Now picture me as a 7th grader who just learned that not only is Stan Lee STAN F’N LEE WHO INVENTED EVERYTHING IN MARVEL* but now he was INVENTING MORE MARVEL!  I told my friends, my teachers, many parents, and our postman had to tolerate a 17-mninute soliloquy about how this was the greatest return since Jesus, and I would maintain even that would be better if Stan Lee were writing the dialogue for the Son of Man.

Rather than a long-haired messiah on the Sea of Galilee, Stan instead was scripting the adventures of a long-haired yuppie who believes so faithfully in the system that he makes Superman look like The Unabomber.

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(The first true sign of a male super-hero:  Ignoring her when the woman in his life is right and trying to warn him.)

 

                As hard as this is going to be to swallow, Ravage was wrong, guys!  Alchemax is chock full of bad guys!  Even more shocking, his taking of the young man whose father was a “polluter” to the head of Alchemax only leads to Ravage being persecuted. Ravage confronts the Director-General, Andlethorpe Henton, who assures him that everything is on the up and up, no matter what the guy with the future hair and future shades says.  Henton and the other Alchemax directors order him killed because he is “far less naïve than we thought”.  So Henton puts through a call to a place called Hellrock to get a Mutroid to frame and kill Ravage!  This all happens on 2 pages, and if you think that my paragraph about this seems forced and rushed, you should read the pages.

I sort of don’t blame Henton, the future’s most evil fat man, for being so upset about being interrupted by Ravage and Future-Shades, as he was about to spend some quality time with Virtual Reality Pixie SexBots.  No really.

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(Henton kills anyone who hears anything he does not want them to, just like the CEOs we know and love now.)

     Henton spends all of his time sexing it up with Virtual Reality Pixie SexBots, Non- Virtual Reality, Non-Pixie, Not-Bot Sex Workers, and KILLING PEOPLE WITH THE DEVICE IN HIS JACKET.  He kills his aide in the next panel which pushes him out the window.  He later kills a whore who also hears too much.  For real, this guy just likes killing people; otherwise, perhaps he’d have one of these “I AM EVIL WITH EVIL PLANS” conversations out of earshot of people.  I mean, come on.  Perhaps his zapper gadget costs a lot, and he wants to get his money’s worth out of it.  Inflation has to be like 20930209382% by 2099.  Inflation is funny to think about.  In 2099, people’s grandparents will be like ours, except they will be talking about when hologram laser photon spaceships only cost a billion dollars.

But I digress!  Ravage and his story await us!  After this conversation, Henton calls the other Alchemax directors, and despite this being 2099 in the future of the Marvel Universe where it is basically always the future anyhow, he needs a secretary to punch this call through to the other directors.  The nature of this call is about killing and framing Ravage, so Henton naturally uses Ravage’s secretary who already knows that Alchemax is up to no good to put this call through for him.  She listens in on the call and learns that they are calling a place called Hellrock to get a Mutroid to frame and kill Ravage.

Why didn’t the dude just blast him out of his office window like he did his underling just for hearing of this plan?  Well, then he couldn’t have sent this awesome Mutroid Leper guy after Ravage, who as he is being attacked, framed, and warned by his secretary (who is also Ravage’s girlfriend, as we just now find out on the page below), still does not understand what is happening.

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(I love the guy on page one in glasses yelling about the Mutroid.  He seems like a proper gent from ‘Ol Blighty 2099.)

                Ravage is now just starting to get it, but in order to really understand that he is in trouble, maybe he should be injured and/or disfigured.

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(I suppose if an eye was not too high of a price for Odin to pay for wisdom, it is not too high for Ravage.)

     After getting shot in the Goddamn eye, Ravage has finally figured it out.  Seriously, the guy goes from hardcore true believer to Rebel 2099 in about 4 panels.   Now he is the best fighter ever who trained all of these guys and so he proceeds to beat them all up.  I do enjoy the way he pushes the guy into the Mutroid Leper though.  Sweet.

We then see Henton getting a massage as he watches this melee on monitors.  At the end, he blows up the office and kills his prostitute masseuse, who first has to mention how smart he is.

killhernow

(Her hair style looks like one I would see on another 90’s staple, USA Up All Night.)

                That’s it for the prostitute.  Are her earrings pants?  I really have no clue.  2099 fashion has a lot in common with today’s fashion, in that whatever essence it is supposed to capture eludes me.  Anyhow, Ravage is now fully aware that Alchemax is trying to kill him, so he has Tiana hole up at Dack’s place.  Dack is the kid with the future hair, future shades, and what I presume is supposed to be some sort of future/hip-hop name.  What it definitively is is awful, and it is a testament to the idea that old white men like Stan Lee should not try to concoct what they perceive to be cool street names.

Ravage is now off to garner some weapons, and he has changed from Michael Douglas in Wall Street to Mad Max in the span of a page and a half.   To prove his toughness, he has changed his ENTIRE MANNER OF SPEECH to prove that he is a tough guy.  This mostly consists of him now never using a G at the end of a gerund and making sure to have as many apostrophes in lieu of vowels as possible and only referring to himself by his last name only.

Ravage #1 (2099) - Page 20

(What if he made that same threat but his last name was Oglethorpe?  Would you take it more or less seriously?  Jury’s Out.)

                This guy just beat up all the guards in his department, so I am unsure why he does not just find some guns or some future laser photon killing machine like Henton has.  Instead he equips himself with a vest, a sprocket, a lead pipe, and a chain.  He also has a shield, and it does nothing to help him sound or look more formidable.

Ravage #1 (2099) - Page 22

(Just 5 pages ago, he made that plastic junk that he is bitching about now.)

                The last page introduces our villain DETHSTRYK!  Yes, that is how that is spelled.  When I bought this when I was young, I was convinced that since the cameo of Dethstryk would make this issue worth a bundle.  Yeah, I was wrong about lots of stuff when I was young.

All in all, this is pretty awful and it is probably justifies the hate that people in the 90’s Hate Squad carry for The Unspoken Decade.  I do feel like Stan Lee was trying really hard here, but the times had just changed.  What he thought would be cutting edge just seemed hackneyed and played out.  I think he thought the dialogue was cutting edge, and that Ravage would come across as a super bad ass, but instead, he seems like a weekend warrior.

This was Stan’s last big splash with Marvel and even at my age, I knew this wasn’t cutting it.  I kept up with the title, but only because I shoplifted it.  What can I say?  I was EXTREME because it was the 90’s!  Kids, don’t steal.  We will come back to Ravage to see him get the Fantasticar in the future here at The Unspoken Decade.

Also, don’t let the fact that this is awful fool you into believing that I am not fond of this.  While it certainly isn’t his best work, this was still a Stan Lee comic that I got to read hot off the stands as a teenager, which made me feel connected to comics history somehow, as though those young men who grabbed Fantastic Four off the spinner racks with dreams in their eyes and dimes no longer in their pocket and I were walking the same path and were intertwined despite our differences in age and eras.  Also, I maintain that the 90’s, maybe the early 2000’s, were the last era where even the bad superhero comics were at least fun, and while I would not say that Ravage 2099#1 is good even under the duress of a Hulk having me in a headlock, no bribe would be needed to get an admission from that this is fun.

Hope you have enjoyed this first foray into The Unspoken Decade.  Be here in a week when we see how the other half of Marvel’s most famous duo, Jack Kirby, fared with one of his works at Topps Comics!  (Here’s a hint; it’s better than this.)

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The Gimmick Era Has Never Been Covered So Well.

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