Category Archives: 90s Comics

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Green with Madness (part 1 of 3)

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There I was, close to certain death. As I lie in my bed, my life flashed before my eyes. Yes. This was the end of your loyal Symbifan. No more posts. No more articles. The end. Well, perhaps I’m exaggerating just a bit. I had the flu. Don’t laugh! You know how sickness is for a man! Anyway, I’m back now, after way too long of a absence, to bring you part one in a three part series describing the events that occurred in “Green Lantern” #’s 48-50. That’s right! The fall of a hero, and the birth of a villain. The beginning of Parallax! (Forgetting that yellow travesty that was created years later to replace this amazing storyline.) So, without further ado, I bring you “Emerald Twilight”…..

Hal Jordan sat in the crater that was once his hometown. There was nothing but rubble surrounding him. The wind blew dust over him as the Earth’s Green Lantern sat in complete misery. Coast City had been utterly annihilated by the evil Cyborg Superman and his minion, Mongul. Now he sat alone, grieving the loss of the place that had meant so much to him. (So depressing. Here. I’ll perform a backflip for your amusement. That’ll cheer you all up. Did you like it? Damn right you did!) Hal looked down at the source of his amazing power, his ring. It could create literally anything the wearer could imagine. All it took was willpower. And still he could do nothing to stop this tragedy. That’s when he began to concentrate.

An emerald beam of light erupted from his ring and blanketed the area around him. Slowly, from out of the green mist, a figure walked towards him. Even completely composed of energy, Hal recognized him immediately. It was his father. The Green Lantern started the conversation slowly, but he soon began speaking of the past. How, no matter what he did in life, his father had never been proud of him. Never offered him an ounce of respect. His dad replied that he had been right to do so. Look at this devastation. Even as a superhero, Hal had failed to save his entire city! (That’s cold! It’s the verbal wounds that parents cause that can really cut deep. I know from experience. That sentence wasn’t funny in the slightest. Imagine that I wrote it while wearing pink, footy jammies and a raw turkey on my head. Better? Good.) There was now silence between the two. That’s when Hal’s father suddenly broke the silence. He had to leave. He had a plane to catch. The Green Lantern begged him not to go. But the energy being disappeared anyway. Moments later, a green energy jet flew overhead. But something was wrong and the plane suddenly exploded! Hal had just relived his father’s death.

Hal drops to his knees, his head lowered. That’s when a calming, gentle hand touches his shoulder. Turning, he sees his mother’s compassionate face. He stands and asks her how she dealt with her husband’s terrible death. She replies that after the initial shock wore off, only memories remained. And that’s what he should do about Coast City, remember the good things. As she faded away, a look of rage crosses the Green Lantern’s face as he roars that memories aren’t good enough! (Uh-oh. Me thinks that Hal’s suddenly become one nugget short of a twenty piece.) He unleashes the full power of his ring! Using all of his nearly-limitless willpower, he recreates the entire city down to the smallest detail! Even the people reappear! And Hal Jordan floats over all of it. And truly he feels like God! While he looks down upon his creation, a small and familiar voice greets him from below. He descends to see his high-school sweetheart!

Jennifer smiles and tells the superhero just how much different he looks since she last saw him. She asks where he’s going. Somewhat surprised by the question, he answers that he supposes he’ll visit his parents’ home. She asks to walk with him. As they stroll down the sidewalk, Hal suddenly reveals to her just how much she meant to him. That he could never have gotten through his father’s death without her and how he should never have let her go. That’s when the realization hits him. Jennifer is dead. He asks if she was in fact in Coast City when it happened. She replies that her death was quick and painless. She then kisses him gently and says goodbye with a wave. (Yeah. Hal’s definitely gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Why’s he purposely torturing himself? I know why he’s so depressed. It’s because Dr. Strange and Mr. Fantastic beat him to his hairstyle.)

After her image has gone, Hal walks through the door to his childhood home. He at once spies the image of his father. But this time, he has nothing but kind words to say. In fact, he seemed about to say that he was proud of his son. Something Hal had always wanted to hear his dad say. But that’s when the image began to dissipate. In fact, the whole green construct of Coast City slowly disappeared! The Green Lantern once again stood in the crater that was once a happy, thriving city. Hal howled in anger as the illusion faded. It wasn’t fair! But just as he uttered those words, the green image of a Guardian spoke from over his shoulder. Hal’s ring’s power was spent. And not only would the alien being not recharge it, Hal was to return to the planet Oa for disciplinary action! He had broken the cardinal rule. He had used his power for personal gain. (Man, good thing I never got one of those rings. I’d be soooooo naughty with it. The Guardians would be appalled at my imagination.) Hal was to surrender his Green Lantern ring immediately!

Something inside Hal Jordan snapped at that moment. He smashed the energy construct of the Guardian, absorbing the power into his ring! He then growls that he’ll go to Oa all right, but they won’t like him when he gets there! Using his stolen energy and with a crazed look upon his face, the Earth’s Green Lantern blasts off to the stars! And woe to anyone who would dare stand in his way!

To be continued…..

90s Comics, 90s Marvel, Uncategorized

A Guy Walks into a Dimensional Portal…..

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Who misses Saturday morning cartoons? Come on, a show of hands. Me too. Those were the days. Remember when Elmer Fudd would walk off of a cliff and not fall until he noticed, or Jerry would hand Tom a stick of dynamite and he wouldn’t die from the explosion, but instead resemble a struck match? What if you had superpowers like that? Pretty cool, right? Well that’s essentially what Slapstick can do. He possesses the powers of a cartoon character! This is his origin story, as told in “Slapstick” #1. Enjoy, Unspokenites and as you read, try to reignite that childhood spark that lived inside of you as you watched those classic cartoons not so long ago.

Steve Harmon had never been what one would consider to be a “normal” child. In his fifteen years upon the planet, he’d always been the kind of guy that you could count on for either a dumb joke or a prank. But being the class clown didn’t exactly make him popular. Far from it. Case in point. Steve leaned back in his desk and looked to the cute girl, named Heather, seated behind him. In perhaps a way to impress her, he tells her his best inappropriate joke. It doesn’t exactly go as expected as she turns her nose up in obvious disgust. (You all know the type. The popular girl that’s popular just cuz. A high school version of the Kardashians.) But before he can attempt a follow-up joke, he’s rudely interrupted by the appearance of Don Winston, the typical school alpha male. Steve immediately goes into defensive mode. They argue about how Don turned Steve in for his most recent prank, getting him a week’s detention. Winston merely laughs the situation off and moves on.

Later that day, after detention, Steve began his long walk home from school. As he pondered his vengeance, he paid little attention to his surroundings. This caused him to collide with a clown standing on the sidewalk, handing out flyers. The clown, however, seemed completely unfazed by this. He looked down to where the boy had fallen and, with a fanged smile, handed a flyer to Steve. Looking at it, Steve discovered that there was a carnival in town. Suddenly, a fantastic idea for his revenge struck him like lightning. Leaping to his feet, he ran to prepare. Little did he notice that the clown was no longer standing there! (Probably hawking a cheeseburger under a golden arch somewhere. No disrespect, Mr. McDonald. Your food made me the man that I am today…..sob……) Steve’s best friend, Mike, spies him and approaches to talk, but Steve barely even notices him as he sprints off.

Steve rushed upstairs when he arrived home, a happy bounce in his step. When he was in his room, he pulled out an old Halloween costume and put it on. Next, he fit a purplish wig to his head. Lastly, he applied clown makeup to his face. He took the time to admire himself in his mirror before silently descending the stairs. He giggled fiendishly the whole way to the carnival. Now completely incognito, Steve wandered the grounds in search of his prey. It didn’t take long before he located both Don and Heather together. Perfect! Buying a creme pie at a nearby stand, Steve waited patiently for his two victims behind a circus tent. (A pie?! That was his master plan? I’m sorely disappointed in our boy here. I expected something like, oh I dont know, a two-by-four with nails in it to the face. And that’s just off the top of my head! I need help, don’t I?)

But when they didn’t arrive, he peeked out of his hiding place and what he saw horrified him! Don and Heather were unconscious and being dragged into the House of Mirrors by a group of sinister looking clowns! Steve waited until they passed and then grabbed the nearest weapon, a large mallet. He followed past the eerie room of mirrors until he found a room beyond that was way larger than the entire tent combined! Inside, the clowns were tossing his two classmates into an enormous portal! As they did so, they spoke of studying these humans in order to better invade the Earth from their home world in Dimension X! The Overlord will be pleased! (I’ve got it! They’re taking them to Krang. He finally broke away from the incompetent Shredder and is now using evil clowns to do his dirty work! You’re not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans? How do you sleep at night?)

When they were done with their despicable work, the clowns entered the portal themselves. As it began to close, Steve seized his moment and leaped in after them! As he did this, the Marvel Universe sensed the birth of something…..new. Spider-man’s spider sense went wild, Doctor Strange sensed something amiss, the Silver Surfer sensed a strange power being born, the Watcher felt compelled to interfere, Reed Richards’ advanced technology went crazy, and Howard the Duck threw up! (Not sure what Howard hurling into a bucket had to do with anything, but I’m merely here to report the facts. That said…..#LeaThompsonInPanties. )

As Mark passed through the portal, a strange thing occurred. It seemed as if every atom in his teenage form was torn from him, restructured, and reassembled into something all together new! He landed in what seemed to be an underground laboratory with a loud splat! Looking up from his puddle-like form, he saw clowns surrounding him. One of them, who strangely resembled Groucho Marx, made some adjustments in Mark’s cartoon gloves and placed them on his gooey hands. He then pushed a hidden button and Mark immediately took on a more solid form. Oddly enough, he now looked like a cartoon parody of his costumed self! (Why do a lot of cartoon characters wear four-fingered, white gloves? ‘Tis a true mystery for the ages. Like what the hell is Grimace from McDonald’s lore? The world may never know. Damn! I really must want fast food!)

It was explained that this clown used to be the Scientist Supreme in Dimension X. This was back before the Overlord used his inventions to warp reality and conquer this world. The Overlord kept him in this dungeon in case he were to invent anything else that could be used in his evil conquest. Recently, however, the madman had turned his attention to Earth so that he could add to his kingdom! Humans had been taken to experiment upon and make this dream of his into a demented reality! When Mark had passed through into this world, his body had somehow been changed into a new, indestructible material! While he was unconscious, the scientist had also added more features to the gloves Mark now wore. He could push a button in them to once again look human. Also, his mallet would appear in his hand with a turn of the wrist! (Yeah. This part of the comic was pretty wordy. No need to thank me for summarizing it. I will accept cash donations though. Just sayin’.)

And then, just like that, the former Scientist Supreme of Dimension X clutched his chest in pain! He was having a heart attack! As he fell into Steve’s arms, he whispered that it was now up to him to free his dimension and his own. He spoke up in a heroic voice that he never knew he had and vowed to do just that! The scientist’s assistants handed him a map to help aid him in gaining entrance to the Overlord’s throne room. Taking it, Steve took the trapdoor into the passageway. When he was gone, the scientist stood up and declared that this trick worked every time! (Ooooh! That’s cold! That’s as cold as whoever thought up the idea of subjecting us to a new Barney the dinosaur show! It’s true! Google it!)

The being known as the Overlord resembled a hideous mockery of a jack-in-the-box! He ordered his enslaved human army onwards to conquer the Earth! As they marched, Steve began taking out the guards with his gigantic mallet from behind the stage! Others noticed this intruder and attacked. Mark took one out with gloved fingers to the eyes and a hulking clown by smashing him through a stone wall with his hammer! The Overlord took notice at this time and ordered the Scientist Supreme’s machine be used on he who would dare intrude upon his moment of impending triumph! But the machine wasn’t prepared for one such as Steve! The energy shot right back into the large device, causing it to explode when it was struck with Steve’s mallet at the same time! (I once used a hammer to vanquish an enemy. Of course that enemy was a ketchup packet and I was around five years old. Still though…..)

The Overlord’s castle began to crumble around them all! From the rubble, he looked to this odd hero and threatened his life! Steve merely grinned and smashed the Overlord back into his box and then struck him with a golf swing so hard, that the evil one flew through the crumbling ceiling and into the sky! That’s when the evil clowns turned upon him! Unable to think of another course of action, he yelled for the human captives to run! They all raced down the twisted path toward the now-reopening portal! Everyone made it through, including the clowns! But Steve swung his mighty hammer one final time, causing the portal to suck the clown army back inwards and explode! Steve turned to see his very curious best friend behind him. Maybe Mike wouldn’t recognize him. (All of this hammer swinging makes me think of Captain America with Mjolnir in “Avengers: Endgame”. Remember that iconic moment when he yelled, “Avengers assemble!” Ha! You were all moved to the point of tears. Wussies. Nerds. I didn’t cry…..much…..every time I watch it……sob.)

Wrong. Mike knew him right away by the sound of his voice. The two walked together in the wooded area near the demolished carnival grounds. And as they did, Steve’s comic-loving friend told him he should use his unique powers to fight crime. This was agreed upon quickly. But he’d need an alias. After a few failed attempts, Steve finally cried out, “Slapstick!” The rest, as they say, is history.

End.

90s Comics, 90s DC, DC Comics, Uncategorized

Avenging Knight

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“Prep time” isn’t always the solution to everything. I just wanted to say that before I started my first article solely about Batman. Why do I say that? Because Batman fanboys the world over have used that answer forever on how the Dark Knight can defeat any character in all of comicdom. But the man is just a man, no matter how skilled. He can be defeated. In fact, he was. The monster called Bane accomplished what had been until then unthinkable. He broke the Bat. Beaten first mentally, and then physically, Bruce Wayne knew that he could no longer function as Gotham’s protector. Not from a wheelchair. Someone else would have to take up his mantle. And for whatever Bruce’s reasons, Azrael was chosen. This is his story….. (Presented in “Batman” #500)

He had been beaten. Defeated by the same beast that had broken the original Batman. Bane. Azrael had underestimated his enemy. He also blamed his loss on the Batman uniform and gadgets. Never again. He would be prepared next time. Not only would he prove himself Bruce Wayne’s equal, but his better. Hours had passed since their fight. And still Jean-Paul Valley, also known as the ex-chosen assassin for the Order of St. Dumas, could feel the sting of failure. (This guy has problems. That’s obvious. Hell, he acts like he was beaten up by a Will Smith slap, and not a guy whose muscles put a WWE wrestler’s to shame!)

Tim Drake, the newest youth to earn the right to be called Robin, entered the Batcave with trepidation. He knew that Jean-Paul didn’t see the need for a Robin. He preferred to work alone. He found the new Dark Knight shirtless and doing one-armed pull-ups in the section of the cave meant for training. He still wore the armored gauntlets of his own design. Tim began by talking about the level of brutality that he was using as the new Batman. Jean-Paul looked at him with a sneer and replied that the ways of the old Batman were outdated and ineffectual. He was fighting for the very soul of Gotham City, not his own. The conversation didn’t last for too much longer after that. Robin left Batman to his training, fearful of the days to come. (At least the Robin outfit has been updated. Can you imagine the old TV show Robin, Burt Ward, having this verbal fight? Holy Soiled Shorts, Batman!)

Jean-Paul barely noticed as the former sidekick left his presence. He let go of the exercise bar and let his mind go blank. He would now let The System take over. The System was a form of training that had been implanted into his brain, starting as a small child, by the Order of St. Dumas. It was meant to make him the perfect killing machine. While he was in this trance, he walked to the table and began to sketch out frightening new blueprints for a new armored suit. Bane was still out there. And he would be prepared next time. After he completed them, he immediately began to forge the new look for the new Dark Knight of Gotham. (I use a form of The System when I write these articles. It’s true! It’s not the combination of caffeine and nicotine keeping me going at all.)

Meanwhile, Bane was preparing himself. He needed the highly-addictive steroid, Venom. It would soothe the pain from the injuries he’d sustained as well as give his already extremely large muscles a boost of power. He located his minions in their prison cell, having been captured by this new, false Batman. Looking down from his hiding place in the police station rafters, he asked where more of the drug could be located. A henchman answered with haste and then quickly asked if Bane was going to free them. He replied that he would not. This pretender was his and his alone. (Azrael and Bane seem so obsessed with one another, I’m waiting for a passionate kiss when they next meet up!)

Robin waited in silence on the Wayne Estate grounds. He didn’t have to wait long before his contact made his presence known. It was Nightwing, the original Robin. Tim told his predecessor of Bruce’s injuries and about his terrifying replacement. Dick asked why he had not been chosen to take up the mantle instead of this Azrael. Tim replied that Nightwing had worked hard to get out from under the shadow of the Batman, to establish himself as his own man. Nightwing took this in and replied that if Bruce had chosen this man, he must’ve had a good reason. He then took his leave. Robin exited the grounds soon after. (Wow! Nightwing sure was alot of help. That was the equivalent of proclaiming, “My feelings aren’t hurt! Yours are!” Followed up by a stuck out tongue and a hasty retreat with tear-filled eyes.)

The scene now shifts to a man behind a large computer system. He rifles through papers for news on what traffic conditions or weather updates he should put on the big screen over the main highway in Gotham. But as he does this, he is unaware of Bane as he approaches from behind! In one swift movement, he picks the man up, snapping his neck! Bane then tosses the corpse aside and takes his seat. He begins to type. Robin enters a now empty Batcave at this exact time. He spies blueprints upon Batman’s desk. Examining them quickly, shock crosses his face! (I bet it’s designs for his new Spring line of casual wear. Y’all didn’t know Batman doubled as a fashion designer, huh? Shows what kind of fans you are.)

Batman soared through the skyline of Gotham City like a bladed nightmare! He tested his new armor and found it pleasing. Finally, he swooped down onto a gargoyle statue. He looked to the large, computerized sign glowing in the stormy weather not too far from his present position. It read: “BATMAN” NOW. So this was it, he thought. The rematch would begin sooner than expected. He welcomed it. Bane had put the word “Batman” in quotations on purpose. He was subtly stating that Jean-Paul was no more than a mere pretender. He would teach Bane just how wrong he was. (I wouldn’t have got the whole quotations thing. I just would have giggled that Bane had screwed up while typing. I’m a pretty big nerd though.)

The police surrounded the building that the aforementioned sign sat atop. Squad cars filled the streets. But just as the officers wondered aloud where the Batman was, his symbol illuminated the streets below. Gotham’s savior had arrived. Batman fired his grapple to the opposite skyscraper and swung. He then dismounted and roared for Bane to show himself. He didn’t have long to wait. Bane crashed through the electrical sign, sending sparks everywhere! Then he dropped to the street below, a parked car breaking his fall! (I wonder if the owner’s car insurance covers “Acts of Bane”?) Batman followed soon after and the two titans squared off while the surrounding police officers stood transfixed and helpless.

Suddenly, shurikens, fired from Batman’s gauntlet, embedded deep into Bane’s forearm! Batman then opened with a side kick to Bane’s skull! He followed up with an armored fist to the face and then a savage backhand! He finished by sweeping the monster’s legs out from under him as he threw him to the ground! First blood was his. Injured and enraged, Bane pushed a button on the device upon his forearm. This delivered the Venom steroid straight into his body! Bane roared as the toxin coursed through his veins! Bane rushed the Dark Knight and pinned him to the concrete. Blow after thunderous blow hit the Batman’s helmet until the bat symbol suddenly flashed from the chest light! Momentarily blinded, Bane’s assault stopped as he staggered away. (I feel like I missed my calling as ringside announcer in wrestling. That is if the wrestlers were superhuman. As old as some active wrestlers are, you’d swear they were!)

Recovering quickly, Bane attempted to boost his Venom intake once again. Batman was ready this time, however. Using his bladed fingertips, he cuts all of the tubing protruding from the beast’s mask! Bane roared in panic and fled down the street! Batman fired several more razor-sharp shurikens into the villain’s back as he ran, but the weapons were ignored as he leapt the nearby train station turnstile! (He should hold onto all of those Bat-shurikens sticking out of his body. Sell those on eBay for a mint!) Bane dove into the train just as it was leaving the station. Jean-Paul would not let it end this way. One way or another, this ended tonight! Using his gauntlet, he fired a grapple onto the now-speeding train and let it reel him in. When close enough, he dug his claws into the train’s metallic frame and followed Bane from the outside!

The muscle-bound monster ordered the passengers to give him a wide berth as he approached the front car. When he reached it, he seized the engineer by the back of his neck and threw him out the front window of the racing locomotive! Bane fumbled with the controls and sped up the train. Just then, the Dark Knight came crashing through the engine’s side window and the fierce battle continued! As this was going on, Robin swung by and witnessed the dangerously speeding train. He spied the fight in the front car and the panicked passengers in the back. Using quick thinking, he pulled a strong acidic substance from his utility belt to serperate the engine from the rest of the train! The people were safe. (I bet it was a can of Coke. I hear that’s highly acidic. Tasty though.)

Robin helped the last of the passengers off of the train in just enough time to witness the lead car derail from the advanced speed and come sailing through the air! It crashed into a building before it finally stopped moving! Batman used this opportunity to use both feet to kick Bane through the remaining glass! The villain plummeted down to where the police stood, still amazed by the epic fight they were witnessing. Batman followed soon after. He picked Bane up by what remained of his torn, blood-soaked costume. Bane begged for death. The surrounding police and Robin all collectively held their breath. Would he do it? No. Let the prisons have him. Bane was broken. Jean-Paul Valley was a worthy new Batman after all. And the night had a new guardian angel. A fallen one, but an angel nonetheless.

End.