That’s right, Legions of the Unspoken! We’re a 90’s site about comic books, so you knew that some day, the Main Man himself was gonna find his way here! That time is now! You know, as I sat and pondered a way to reminisce and recount my first dealings with this character, a thought entered my head. Maybe I should be more like Lobo and leap straight into the action, skipping all of the sappy crap. (Anyway, if he knew how long it took me to get to him, I’d be a very deceased Symbifan! Gulp!) So, without further ado…..

Lobo sat outside, complaining out loud to himself as much as to the space dolphins as they swam past peacefully amongst the stars. He was extremely angry about something. He cursed as he threw a book down on the ground in disgust. It read: “The Unauthorized Biography of Lobo” on the cover. He vowed that whoever wrote this piece of filth would suffer a long, agonizing death. That’s when his communication screen hummed to life inside the complex and rang obnoxiously. Who could be calling him? Cursing, he stomped inside with a growl. He answered and Vril Dox, commander and chief of L.E.G.I.O.N., a type of intergalactic peacekeeping agency, came into focus. There were no kind words between the two men. Mostly because Vril Dox had the unique ability to order Lobo around. For now that is. Lobo wasted no time in demanding to know why his personal time was being interrupted. Vril replied that he had a mission for the last Czarnian. A prisoner needed transported immediately. Lobo was not impressed. (Damn! And I thought I had temper problems! The Main Man has me beat all to hell! Now if I just had his muscles too. Sigh. God, I’m out of shape. Old too…..sob…..The life of a nerd is sad one. But you should see my collection! Sob……)

Later, the Main Man cruised throughout deepest space on his space hog, on his way to retrieve the prisoner in question. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, Vril Dox sat at his desk as Lady Quark scolded the green man for sending Lobo of all people on this mission. He didn’t look the least bit unnerved. In fact, he looked amused about the identity of the prisoner. She was an excellent writer after all. He smiled as he patted his copy of the unauthorized biography. (Damn! Vril’s asking for it here! Me thinks that the little green man wants an epic spanking! Hell, he’s begging for it! Pervert.) Meanwhile, Lobo had arrived for prisoner transfer at Oneida VI. As he walked, he was threatened time and time again by the guard to not step out of line while visiting. The last Czarnian put up with the robotic little man with little to say in his defense. But as the elevator doors opened, the guard fell out, piece by piece! Lobo smiled to himself as he walked onward towards the cells.

Elsewhere, it was total anarchy in a bookstore on Blake-7 as a demented gang, the Lobos, had felt it their sworn duty to destroy any place foolish enough to sell books spouting lies about their hero, Lobo, and end the lives of anyone stupid enough to work in such places! The gangs leader, a nasty piece if work called Sickbag, decreed that when they were done in this present establishment, they would hunt out this so-called writer and put an end to her too! The others cheered in agreement. They later flew out of the bookstore on Blake-7 as it exploded! (Would that classify as a book burning? Ha! I apologize for the total “dad-ness” of that last joke.) Back on Oneida, Lobo stared in absolute horror as the identity of his would be passenger was at last known to him! The female guard looked perplexed. She asked if Lobo knew this older woman. He replied that she was his fourth grade teacher from Czarnia, Miss. Tribb! Oh horror of horrors! But how? He’d made sure to murder everyone on his home planet! Only one as truly evil as she could survive that massacre it seemed!

Lobo immediately called Vril Dox. He was outraged that the man obviously knew that she was his passenger and put him on the job to make him suffer. Vril simply replied to remember that she was to make it to her destination alive. He then added with a smirk that he thought that she was more than fair with the estimation of Lobo in her book. Lobo was beside himself with rage! He had no idea that she was the author he wanted dead as well! But before he could properly formulate the correct string of curse words, Vril casually hung up! Lobo beat his head on the nearby counter over and over. While on R’a’gan’s World, a planet for the elderly to spend their last days in peace, Miss. Tribb’s picture was shown on the local news with talk about her bestselling book. A table surrounded by kind-looking older ladies looked up in alarm. So she was the one who wrote that filth? Time to plan a day trip and break out the heavy artillery! (Even a psychotic gang of old ladies is getting mixed up in this madness now! Who else thinks the elderly woman above looks kinda cute? Not like that! I meant cute like a puppy! You guys are gross! Although…..rawr!)

As Miss Tribb uncomfortably sat on the back of Lobo’s space hog, she complained like it was going out of style. So much so that the Main Man almost drew blood as he literally bit his lip in rage. Later, the two stopped at an interstellar truck stop to eat and so Lobo could relieve himself. As he did so, he left the old woman at a filthy table. As she sat, she listened into the conversations around her. Two thugs caught her attention as one used the word “ain’t”. Tribb made a disgusted noise, calling attention to herself. The two turned and asked what her problem was. It’s then that she roared how “ain’t” isn’t a word! She then followed the remark by criticizing their mothers! When Lobo returned from the restroom, there was a line waiting to beat on the cocky, old Czarnian woman! Lobo grinned. (Uh-oh! It’s disturbing when a person that’s that homicidal grins! Trust me, I was once married!) Lobo thanked the closest goon for giving him a reason to unleash all of his pent-up rage on anyone!

And boy, did he unleash hell on these tough guys! You almost actually felt sorry for them! As Lobo beat them all senseless, Miss Tribb voiced her disgust at his unbecoming behavior. Back at L.E.G.I.O.N. headquarters, the behemoth called Strata sought out Vril Dox. Locating him, he frantically explained Lobo’s recent actions at the faraway truck stop and asked their next step. Vril merely smiled as he replied that no-one was to interfere. Internally, he thought to himself how things were going exactly as planned. At that moment, Tribb backseat drove throughout the deepest of space. Lobo gritted his teeth until he finally let loose a blood-curdling cry!

To be continued…..