I just suffered a severe fall! I was returning from throwing out the garbage, on the way to check on my laundry, when it happened. Having just stepped out upon the wet concrete outside, my flipflops (Yeah. I wear flipflops. I was in a rush! Oh yeah? Come say that to my face!) were damp. So when I came inside and walked through the entryway of my apartment complex, I slipped. This slip caused me to almost do the splits and barely catch myself with my right arm. Now, to you youngins, this would be a minor annoyance. But I’m 43 and any slight injury or even a sudden jolt to my body is devastating. I almost died! What’s that? I’m overreacting? How dare you! Why, I’m so upset now that I’m tempted to just not share my musings on the next part of my look back at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Mighty Mutanimals crossover! Wait! Come back! I’ll write! I’ll write! (What else am I gonna do now that I’m broken anyway? Sob…..)
The heroes look forward in awe and disbelief as three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse step from the burning ruin that was once a lush and beautiful rainforest! The question is finally asked, what do these monsters want? Their reply is simple, they want war! Plain and simple. Just then and without warning, War himself uses his rocky and spike-covered hide, to fire sharp projectiles at the amassed heroes! They spring to action, dodging the spikes but with great effort and much skill! After the barrage ends, Mondo gives voice to the question everyone is thinking, if these three beings truly are the Four Horsemen, where is their fourth member? That’s when Death steps from the shadows and announces himself! (Way to go, Mondo! Like things weren’t bad enough! Now they have to deal with death personified too! Hey, when he gives that “kiss of death”, do you think it’s a french kiss? Huh? I’m not sick and demented! Okay, so I need stronger meds. Sue me.)
Death orders the other Horsemen to attack! Immediately the creatures comply, but the heroes are way too skilled at working with one another. Using teamwork, they dodge and counterattack with ease. But the Grim Reaper is not amused. Instantly seeing his folly, he raises his mighty scythe! He then brings it back down, slicing through reality itself in order to seperate the heroes! They awaken, bewildered, in three seperate locations! Meanwhile, Null enters his secret domain, the unconscious and bound Azrael thrown over his shoulder. He drops her on the ground next to two other captives, Jagwar’s missing mother, Juntarra, and a man dressed in a cowboy hat and trenchcoat. He goes by the name of Kid Terra. Terra demands that Null let the women go and keep him as his prisoner alone. He once betrayed the monstrous madman after all and the women are innocent. Null takes a big puff of his cigar and grins. He replies that he’ll settle up with Terra soon enough. As for the women? They are to be his harem! (A harem?! Archie Comics be gettin’ scandalous in it’s old age!) He then leaves, locking the door behind him. Kid Terra mutters that he won’t let this happen, not if he can help it.
Before the “games” can get underway, Death reveals a large chest behind him. He opens it and removes three familiar-looking marionettes. They are replicas of the other three Horsemen! He comments with a maniacal laugh how he just loves playing with his toys. Elsewhere, Michelangelo, Dreadmon, Leatherhead, and Ninjara find themselves standing in the middle of a large cornfield. They comment how sickly the corn around them looks. The whole field seems to be in serious need of water. With little else to do but play along, the quartet begin walking through the dying field. As they trudge on, they all quickly become aware that they are growing more than a little hungry. Hunger quickly escalates to starvation as their bodies begin to shrivel before their very eyes! Suddenly they break through to open land. They spy a long, winding line of human beings, waiting a small distance from large trucks with the word “FOOD” printed on their sides! The heroes take their places and wait patiently as armed soldiers hand out canned food to the starving masses. (I’m going on a hunger strike until these brave souls get food! Well, at least I will when I’m done with this bag of Cheetos. Yeah!)
Mondo, Raphael, Donatello, and Jagwar look to their strange clothing. They are dressed in labcoats, complete with gloves and masks! As they try to ascertain just what’s going on, they suddenly spy the walls of cages lining the walls around them. Monkey hands extend from between the small bars and the noises of primates are heard throughout the room! Is this a testing lab, they wonder? Enraged, they ponder if they should perhaps free these poor animals. (No! Haven’t these fools ever seen “Planet of the Apes”?! This is how it all begins! Sob…..the Statue of Liberty…..sob……Charlton Heston!) That’s when a previously unseen doctor then remarks, back still turned, what if they were to let thes creatures go and they were to infect the human race with a new kind of deadly plague? After all, the heroes have no way of knowing exactly what has been tested on these particular lab animals. The “doctor” then turns, revealing his face. He is the Horseman, Pestilence!
Last is the group of Wingnut, Screwloose, Splinter, Man-Ray, and Leonardo. These particular warriors find themselves dodging left and right as gunfire sounds and bombs explode around them! They are dressed in military fatigues and run for their very lives as they spy a nearby foxhole in the battlefield. Sprinting, they dive in, hoping that they haven’t doomed themselves to be surrounded by an armed enemy force! Instead, they come face to face with an angry-looking man bellowing orders. His very demeanor gives off the feel of experience and leadership. He demands that they all get back to the battle. The incoming airstrike is to be their cover as they make their way to a nearby barn. It’s within that building that he suspects enemy weapons are being held! Deciding to play along for now, the heroes comply. They rush to the barn amidst more bomb drops and kick in the door to an obvious trap. But what they’re greeted with shocks them nevertheless. A nuclear missile points upwards, armed! And standing next to it, the Horseman, War! (“War, huh! Good God, y’all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again!” Sing along, Unspokenites!)
We now return to the line outside of the food trucks. Having waited for what seems like forever, the now very frail heroes approch the front of the line. But instead of receiving sustenance, they’re instead met with nothing. All of the food is now gone! Back at the testing lab, the next group attempt to strike at Pestilence, but the attacks are of no use as he is not a solid being! Instead, he is seemingly composed of pure, airborne diseases and liquid filth! Donatello strikes and finds himself covered in a sickly fluid after passing straight through his foe! He quickly wipes the fluid off as the others attack! (Yeah. Because everybody knows that a simple wipe-down with paper towels can save one from contracting the bubonic plague!) Pestilence makes his body more solid to fight back! While the Horseman is occupied, Jagwar takes advantage and frees all of the monkeys! The simians strike as one at Pestilence, tearing his now somewhat solid form to shreds!
Back at the food trucks, the heroes exclaim in outrage when they spy that one of the exiting vehicles is actually full of cans of food!The back doors to this particular truck then come free and a single can drops and rolls to the starving fighters’ feet! Mad with hunger, they leap at each other, ready to kill for this single, canned morsel of sustenance! Before any damage can be done however, they all come to their senses. It’s then that they spy the can at a small distance. It sits straight up, opens, and the form of Famine twists, turns, and enlarges as he pulls himself free of his miniature hiding place! He attacks without warning! The battle lasts no time at all. Famine is victorious! He drags the heroes’ still forms away! (Dude hid inside of a can?! That’s like me chillin’ inside of a cheerio! Anorexia is wrong, Famine. Even if you are a biblical beastie.)
Our attention is now turned back to the next group as they storm the strange barn, amidst an active warzone! The heroes waste little time in attacking War! He must not be allowed to launch this missile! Feeling little fear and utilizing all of their talents and skill, accomplishes little but amuse the tough-skinned Horseman! That’s when the creature remarks that he won’t have to defeat them, they will defeat themselves. This cryptic sentence is soon understood as the air strike arrives overhead and bombs the barn! The missile immediately explodes! A nuclear shockwave rocks the area and a mushroom cloud rises into the atmosphere! War drags the bodies of the heroes away from it all, the obvious victor! (Cheater! Who brings a nuke to a fistfight? Wussies, that’s who!)
Finally, back at the lab, it appears as though good has triumphed over evil in this particular case. Pestilence is no more. But as these warriors consider leaving, the monkeys’ eyes suddenly change to the darkest crimson! They attack the heroes mercilessly! The heroic ones try to fight back, but the creatures begin to secrete a toxic fluid, nearly drowning them in its foul toxicity! (You know you have a fun job when you an add words like “secrete” to a paragraph!) The heroes drop just as Pestilence reforms his body from the sickly fluid. And then, just like the other monsters, he drags the heroes unconscious bodies away. Score yet another win for the Four Horsemen!
Far from all of this, Death pulls the strings of his marionettes, laughing. At his skeletal feet lie broken toys, resembling the fallen Ninja Turtles and Mighty Mutanimals! Has evil truly won? (Nudist! The Reaper’s a nudist! I have proof! Damn. Eat a burger once in awhile, will ya? It’s embarrassing how boney you are.)
To be concluded…..
This article is dedicated to my love, my life, my everything, Renee. This November 27th. marks fifteen wonderful years together. I’d never take back a single day with you. I love you with all of my heart and soul. Thank you for the gift of true happiness.